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Would another DDay really be cheating?

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WhatsRight posted 8/4/2013 07:43 AM

To my knowledge my husband isno longer being unfaithful. To my knowledge. Sometimes my mind imagines - but no real indications.

But lately, due to our LACK of a relationship - I have been wondering,

"If he did something again, would it really be cheating? Since we don't really have a relationship?"

Cheating how? We don't have sex. We don't do things together. He has told me that he wouldn't like it, but that it would be OK if I was intimate with someone else. (I certainly don't intend to do this, and he knows it - so it is probably a token offer on his part. But if I did - or if he did...what about it would be cheating? Cheating on what?

We are married on paper only at this point.

authenticnow posted 8/4/2013 07:44 AM

If the two of you agree to an open marriage I guess it's not cheating. Is that what you want?

What is keeping you in this marriage?

cayc posted 8/4/2013 07:49 AM

I think it is. But I'm not sure how to explain why. It's sort of like the old adage "I can't define porn, but I know it when I see it".

You're married. That promise includes fidelity and forsaking others. Even if your relationship with your spouse is in the dregs, you are still married so the bond, promise still exists.

From the other side, I had a man at work ask me out. After telling me he wasn't divorced yet but had filed. I looked right at him and said, "No, sorry, I don't date married men". We've seen plenty reverse course in the midst of D, so to me, until D is signed by a judge, it's an M that must be respected.

He has told me that he wouldn't like it, but that it would be OK if I was intimate with someone else.

And why? Why did he say that? Because it would lower you to his level then he doesn't have to feel badly about himself?

And all in all, what do YOU want? Do you want your M? Do you want R? Because sitting around waiting to see if he cheats again and if it'll matter to you seems like the worst sort of limbo.


ButterflyGirl posted 8/4/2013 08:01 AM

He has told me that he wouldn't like it, but that it would be OK if I was intimate with someone else.

I can't help totally flipping this and wondering if this is what he thinks the other way. That you wouldn't like it if he was intimate with someone else, but you would have to be okay with it.

No wonder your mind is imagining things. I think it's your gut telling you something..

A real husband, a remorseful one who wants his marriage, would be begging you to forgive him and not leave him and to not be with anyone else..

Since he *knows* that you don't intend to be with anyone else, seems to me you are letting him walk all over you. I would try taking the stance of "If you don't start showing remorse NOW and rebuilding this relationship, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

Sounds like you keep respecting someone who keeps disrespecting you. You deserve better. You are worth so much more than this.


ladies_first posted 8/4/2013 10:11 AM

From your other post this morning:

I dress in my closet. There is no touching of any kind with us. I guess I'm lucky that my sexual urges come and go with whether or not I am 'in love'. (from reading here, I guess that's not normal)

So, right now, I have NO DESIRE to have sex - kiss - hold hands - or anything. I do, however, want HIM to want it.

So, you want HIM to want sex with you, WhatsRight?

heforgotme posted 8/4/2013 11:03 AM

But if I did - or if he did...what about it would be cheating? Cheating on what?

I have had this exact same thought. As far as I'm concerned, we stopped being married the first time he did this. He broke his vows and thus the marriage contract. So in my eyes, we weren't really married from that point on. He just didn't have the decency to tell me and was too lazy to officially end it.

Having said that, I don't think it is ever a good idea to involve other people until the relationship you're in is resolved. It would just complicate matters and would probably be based on all the wrong reasons. So, it's just not sensible. There is something to be said for doing things the "right" way and if/when you walk away you can totally hold your head up.

Ostrich80 posted 8/4/2013 11:08 AM

Whatsright..I'm in a similar M...sexless, no intimacy, but I do consider it cheating. Until your D, its being unfaithful. Sounds like he almost wants you to step out of the M, maybe so it can go down in history as your fault..jus my 2cents

solus sto posted 8/4/2013 11:31 AM

Until and unless you have a mutually agreed upon open marriage then yes, it is cheating.

Do you think it would not hurt? That it would be any different than the first affair?

My husband cheated again and again. Regardless of the state of our marriage, each and every instance was agonizing.

Even when I knew the marriage was over. The lack of respect, the lying, the indifference to my well-being or the well-being of our kids---all of it.

Yes, of course it's cheating.

uncertainone posted 8/4/2013 11:43 AM

He broke his vows and thus the marriage contract

What about your vows? See, that's the part that killed me about my actions. I made vows. His actions didn't dissolve my marriage contract. Only I can do that by filing for divorce.

There are many things that can violate marriages. Infidelity is a major one. So is emotional abandonment, addiction, violence, lies, cruelty. Not comparing or prioritizing in order of importance as each person is different in what they feel the lethality of those blows are.

Do you require his actions to assign importance to yours? If you no longer feel you can abide by the contract you negotiated than excersize the escape clause and file. Getting dressed in a closet is a pretty fucked way to go through life, I'd think.

WhatsRight posted 8/5/2013 09:08 AM

Wow! Thanks for all the responses - I have been out of pocket for a day or two.

Let me say that I gave the wrong impression. I have not, am not, and will not be unfaithful in my marriage. Period. Neither is my husband palnning to do so - to my knowledge.

It was just a question - theorhetical.

He has told me that he wouldn't like it, but that it would be OK if I was intimate with someone else.

I can't say for sure if my husband was saying he doesn't really care, or trying to get me to mess up so it is my fault, or wanting 'license' to be unfaithful again.

My opinion is that he feels so badly about what he did, and he strongly believes that it is not in his capability to 'make it right', that he is meaning just what he says. "I don't want you to do that, but if our relationship does not include sex, and you want it, it is wrong to summarily make you celebate."

But of course, I don't know.

Anyway, I was just thinking out loud---is it cheating if there is no true relationship???

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