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Devastated by broken NC

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Arnold01 posted 8/4/2013 08:35 AM

I haven't posted for a few weeks as things had been going really well. WH was working hard to speak my love language, he was actively engaging in counseling, he realized his affair was a mistake, his actions matched his words, etc...and we were both very happy and optimistic about our future.

Last night he told me that he broke NC two weeks ago. He had seen a disturbing news story that may have impacted OW and her family, so he sent her an email saying he hoped all was ok. She responded and indicated that her husband was ok with them reestablishing communication as he thought it would help his and her healing, and from there my WH and the OW exchanged several emails and had two phone calls over the course of five days. That was ten days ago and there has been no new contact since...but he wants to continue a relationship with her.

WH saved all the emails and told me that he wanted to be transparent from the beginning, but that this started just as we were about to leave on a big family vacation. He didn't want to cause me pain at that time so he didn't tell me until las night,, and of course we had a great vacation. So in his mind he was trying to do the right thing but sees that he screwed up. I told him that this latest betrayal by breaking NC and not telling me immediately is more devastating than the original affair (I suspected that whereas the breaking of NC came out of the blue when thing were seemingly so great), and that I have to reassess our future if OW is in his life even as a long distance friend.

So now WH says he is sad that he will have to say goodbye to OW again and scared that my distrust and feeling of betrayal will cause me to end the marriage. I can't believe he thought there was any chance of me being ok with this - and I am alternating between devastation and total anger at his most recent actions.

I know I should start the 180 and start protecting myself, but in the meantime I am so devastated by the realization that I thought we were on a great path and actually weren't....and that he is still totally in the fog. He says he absolutely loves me and doesn't feel that for her...but he was willing to risk everything to send her a stupid email. Please help...

[This message edited by Arnold01 at 8:37 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Edith posted 8/4/2013 09:42 AM

Hi Arnold, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Mine broke NC for 3 months until I busted him. It was so horrible, as I'm sure you know.

he screwed up

Um, that's putting it mildly.

but he wants to continue a relationship with her.

Time to light something special of his on fire, just to get his attention. Obviously he is not living in reality.

he will have to say goodbye to OW again

I would make sure there is no sniveling in your presence.

Of course you are devastated my dear. I would 180 the heck out of him. And NC is a condition of R for you, no exceptions.

I also think it is important to establish what are lies: Lies of omission, lies of semantics, lies of any type are not acceptable. Him not telling you about this broken NC until after your vacation was his way of controlling you. Not ruining HIS vacation. Now your life is again wrecked thanks to his selfish acts. He needs to realize what he has done. I'm so sorry.


stupidgirlme posted 8/4/2013 09:52 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this!!! Unfortunately, it's not surprising. NC is way too hard for many WS to even begin to understand. They don't want to, either.

My H just doesn't get it and even though we are working on our relationship, and I've told him NC is the only way I will ever be able to heal, he still is in contact with her once in a while. Lies about it of course, but I know the truth.

The first time there was a setback it was devastating. I agree with you that it was worse than the initial finding out. Each time it happens, it just wipes out all the trust and rebuilding that has been accomplished.

If you haven't already done so, check out the info in the Healing Library. It will at least give you more understanding. It still hurts, but it will help, I think.

Again, so sorry that you are having to go through all of this!

MystiKay posted 8/4/2013 09:58 AM

He knew it was wrong and you wouldn't like it, it is why he hid it. It is still about her. Oh it will help the OW and her husband healings..well what about YOUR healing?

I am so sorry your husband is so SAD...poor widdle thing. Well tough cookies..No contact for your healing, because you are his wife, your healing is more important then theirs. I hope he gets it. HUGS

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