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For past few days I am all over the place.

In all this chaos for few mins every once in a while I felt very grounded. Very much in control of myself. Felt really powerful. Almost felt like “I have got this.” With this there came a feeling “I am awesome”. Since childhood this has been my internal dialogue. Its been a really long time since I have felt like this. Almost few years now.

Anyways whenever I felt like that like maybe for 5 mins in a day, I dragged myself out of that place. Almost beat myself for feeling like that. How could I even think like that after this shit storm?
If I feel like this, does it mean I am minimizing or rugsweeping? Is it arrogance? Does it mean I am being disrespectful to CL’s pain? How do I find a balance?

I hate being in a place where I am unsure of each and everything.

I think feeling strong is a good thing. You could expect it more as you go through this and continue to do the work on yourself and in your M.

I guess as long as you don't get too caught up in it and if use it for strength to keep moving forward, it is a very positive thing.

I get this too, And I feel good and then I feel guilty for feeling good. I don't deserve it. It is a hard one to believe we all deserve to be happy. Most of this wayward behavoir has allways been IMO self destruction. I know I dont' Didnt believe I should be happy not worthy of it. To grow I need to change that. AS I have been told, yes you can feel good strong. Hopefully it means we are all growing. Life is meant to live and enjoy. This is screwed up way to realize it. It is what it is. Cannot change the past only today and tomorrow. Keep being strong and support yourself.

uuuhhhh.. so much for feeling stronger.

I cant see him in so much pain God I wish I could take it away