An exit looks good right now.
Don't go there. You want to exit the pain, that's all.
Many of us get to that mental space in this. All of us are glad we pushed through.
Lean of friends and family. I literally needed someone to come over, pull me out of bed, throw me in a shower and then sit me down at the table until I ate a whole piece of pizza.
And they aren't worth this kind of pain. None of our WW are. We still have to work through it, but they are all disordered, selfish cowards.
Right now, focus on the value you have for yourself - outside of anything to do with your wayward. It's correct and much, much better thinking.
Mentally guide and allow your despair to change to pride in that you have been honest and kept your integrity. Let some righteous anger come about and steer your thoughts to correctly believing you deserve better, and can do better than this shit.
It will pass.
ETA: I read your story in your background. We're in same age range, my XWW is same age as yours, and I have two kids about the same age as yours. But, going by what you posted, my WW did way, way, way, worse than your WW as far as the "level" of infidelity goes and for significantly longer. She also picked a total shitbag as an adultery partner and enlisted the help of several dysfunctional "friends" to help keep it a secret from me and my children - total Jerry Springer shit. And, I got through it feeling good about myself. So will you
[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:02 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]
While the triggers can be emotional event in our lives, it is a physiological problem in the brain. There are lower levels of 'communicator' chemicals (seratonins) in the brain. The brain uses up to 20% less oxygen because it just isn't functioning normally. This is not something you can just 'think' yourself out of. Therapy can by helpful, but sometimes you just need medical assistance.
If you're not already in IC, it's a great place to start. Look for a counselor who is also an MD or works in a practice with a Psychiatrist (they have to be MDs). With all the emotional trauma you're going through, I wouldn't recommend just getting a script from your regular MD. There can be side effects when starting SRI antidepressants, so you'll want someone who's familiar with them.
But whatever you do, please please do not check out. Find a Crises Hotline phone number to post by the phone if you have to.
My positive thoughts and prayers are with you as you walk through this valley of shadows. You CAN get through it.
(((Hugs)))
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013 Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I ask this very gently, and it is just a possibility: Could this depressed feeling be partially due to stopping the Percocet? I took pain killers for migraines and I found that when they wore off, I got depressed. I am prone to depression and could feel it even after one dose of prescription pain med. I stopped taking them and now use running, yoga and an antidepressant to manage my migraines.
You are really suffering and you can't just wait for time to heal! I would go to the doctor and ask about antidepressants. I think you're already exercising a lot, but you might want to try something new--swimming or biking or an adult soccer league? Kayaking? Golf?
I read somewhere that you should get natural sunlight on your face before 9:00 am to fight depression. That gets me out of bed at least to open the front door and turn my face to the sun.
How are you today?
The pain will lessen, it will. We are all here for you to help you get to the other side of this. Keep posting please.
dargirl - same for you, honey.
Sending you strength and peace.
If you're not sure which you're experiencing, or believe you're experiencing both, it would be a very good idea to talk with your doctor.
They are not a panacea, but antidepressant, antianxiety, and meds to help you sleep can be very, very helpful.
Many of us require(d) them, and found that their use made it possible for us to move through the grief process more constructively. They don't take away the grief, but they can help with the immobility, hopelessness, and helplessness of depression.
Depression spans all aspects of life. Grief usually permits, over time, at least occasional glimpses of hope. When depression is treated, you won't have that global hopelessness/helplessness, though you may still find that you feel hopeless and helpless about your marriage; that will resolve as the situation unfolds and you make decisions; in other words, it will require actions---not just from your WS (though the WS's actions DO play a huge role in the choices you make and the actions you take), but from you.
When you are immobilized by depression, you cannot address these things constructively, which can prolong the grief and delay healing from infidelity---regardless of marital outcome.
