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or am I somehow losing my mind.

I haven't posted for awhile - I guess I might've been fooled in to thinking, or rather hoping that the whole infidelity storm had or was beginning to pass over.

It hasn't, nor does it seem that it's about to.

A new multi-screened cinema has opened in my mind, with several showings (including middle of the night performances) of all too familiar feature length 'scenes' played out in the most incredible detail - very clear images/perfectly narrated/great sound effects etc etc - mostly factual- stuff I had seen myself (during the springtime of 2011)...(fWH and OW together/their fb messaging/what OW said to me etc etc). And the lies he told - so many, all nonsense, I 'hear' his crappy lies over and over, goodness knows how or why he expected and thought i'd believe any of his *hit.

I hate that i'm feeling so crappy, and after two years- I'm sick and tired of fWH and OW and their cheating occupying space in and taking energy from my mind.

May be i'm going through a bad patch, may be it's one of those times when, for reason(s) not known to me that I switch on to replay- it's not good tho... i'm struggling right now, a lot and i'm kinda angry with myself for allowing it to take up residence in my head.

I've wondered why I started feeling so bad (again). Just as I thought I was getting a little better - I was gradually feeling a little more grounded, more settled within myself and my life felt calm(er)- I felt that I had regained some peace of mind.

it's the one step forward and two steps back scenario it seems.

I hate this feeling - it's not nice, not good, not worth it, and it's not me.

wish I could be 'me' again, just for awhile - wouldn't that be good. Just the thought of ER and how she used to be prior to the spring of 2011 makes me .

[This message edited by englishrose at 2:12 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Englishrose, of course we endure the mind movies. Just part of the package that we didn't order.
And yes, it would be very nice to return to the way we were if you mean content and whole. But personally, I am glad that I now know the truth, rather than living in an illusion.

We cannot return to that blissful ignorance. We are forever changed because what happened, happened and that cannot be changed

Every experience we have changes us somewhat and adds to the tapestry of who we are. We had no choice regarding those events, but we do have a choice as to how they will effect us.

Let them make us stronger, smarter, more self reliant, confident in ourselves, determined and empowered.

"I am woman, hear me now"

Hugs to you.

ER, I just read your profile. Your last. paragraph says it all.

You WILL be OK. And so will I. One way or the other.

You are far from losing your mind, at least if you are, you will have a whole lot of company. I have posted a couple of times here for advice to stop the mind movies. I am one of the "lucky" ones that actually walked in MY bedroom and saw MY wife naked with another man, doing things she would NEVER do with me. Yeah, the mind movies suck worse than watching soldiers die on the battle field and that is no exaggeration, and least in my world.
I have tried many different things but for now, I have a wall that looks like Swiss Cheese because sometimes the rage comes out before I can think of anything else to do. I am certainly not recommending you do what I do because I know I shouldn't, but it is keeping me from taking much more drastic measures.
If your mind movies prevent you from eating, sleeping, concentrating at work, or any of the other normal things you do, then you are among friends here.

I'm going through the same thing right now. I was in full blown melt down mode last night. I want my old life back

Yes, I have them too. My wifes AP is a dumpy middle aged man...the movie is horrifying...the detail is overpowering.

God be with us all.