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Why do I want to know if he took off his wedding ring?

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painandgrief posted 8/4/2013 15:35 PM

The last several days I've been plagued with a nagging thought. I want to know if my WH removed his wedding ring when he went out with the OW.

Some back story first: my husband travels for business and met the OW in Asia (far, far away from where we live). They met at the end of one trip and communicated extensively for a month via electronic methods. He returned for another legitimate trip a month later and at this point, they spend practically every evening together. So the emotional affair turned physical pretty quickly.

During his week stay, I believe she stayed every night with him in his hotel room and I know they toured around the city and went out to frequent dinners.

I know he doesn't wear his ring to bed, so what is bothering me so much about what he did with the ring the other times? I'm going crazy wondering if he left it on for business meetings so he could keep up appearances, but then did he take it off for his dates with her?

Was it to lessen his guilt, to pretend I didn't exist, or to feel free to do whatever the hell he pleased?

Right up there with imagining them performing oral sex on one another (which I know they did) I'm becoming obsessed with this.

Why does this matter so much to me?

OMG - when will this torture end?

Pippy posted 8/4/2013 15:43 PM

You want to know because of what the ring symbolizes - marriage and fidelity to you.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way, so you can be sure he did when he was with her. It's all part of their compartmentalization. Life with you in one and life with her in another. A guilty conscience is a strong motivation.

Daisy312 posted 8/4/2013 15:44 PM

Are you still together? If so, ask him. Mine left his on. I asked why he didn't take it off he said he didn't think about it. He always wears it, so at the time I think it was just a piece of jewelry. No meaning behind it

heforgotme posted 8/4/2013 15:48 PM

This was a big deal to me too, but unfortunately it's one of the many things concerning this that there are no "good" answers to.

Mine didn't take his off and it revolts me to think that it touched OW's skin.

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

If you need to know, ask him and find out. But you probably won't like the answer either way...

TICKED OFF posted 8/4/2013 15:49 PM

IMO the whole ring thing is just a symbol of what should have been when the vows were said and the ring was placed on the hand of the spouse. The ring on or off during the time of sex with the op isn't really the issue. The issue to me was the lack of respect and integrity h had for the marriage itself to allow himself to have the a in the first place.

Now if a ws is removing the wedding ring because he/she is trying to cover up the fact that they are married, then that would indeed bother me. But then again remember, it is just another thing to add to the pile of shit they got themselves into. In the end, ring on or off, they still went out and threw us under the bus.

Pippy posted 8/4/2013 15:57 PM

It bothered me to see my ex's ring gone the next morning after D-Day. He couldn't wait to move on, openly walking hand-in-hand with OW uptown 2 days later.

It's like our 30 year M just evaporated.

laney57 posted 8/4/2013 16:11 PM

My STBXH took his off. I hated the pics that showed no ring but his chain around his neck stay cross in tact. That still makes me
He always took his ring off when he got home. Weird now I guess.
I hope you can put this part to rest after asking him. I hate that nagging feeling. Take care!

painandgrief posted 8/4/2013 16:24 PM

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

I think that's it. He's always worn it every day except at bedtime, so if he took it off, then he cast me and our marriage aside. The game playing with wearing it around business associates would be equally hurtful because he would have known what he did the night before.

I would give anything to have been in his head as he justified whatever decision he made. Ugh.

To answer an earlier question, we are still together trying to make a go of it. I'm angry that my joy has been ripped from me. I'm normally a really happy person and the fact that I needed meds to keep some semblance of sanity just makes me so angry.

sunsetslost posted 8/4/2013 18:34 PM

Three days after telling me she had been seeing somebody she said these words to me. "I know it's a weird question, but when is it ok to take off the rings?"
I asked her if it bothered him the OM. She said, "Yeah, he asked." In retrospect it was then that I knew it was over

momoffive posted 8/4/2013 19:02 PM

I would say you want to know because of what that ring that you placed on his finger represents.

On my dday#2 when he admitted to the PA, as I crumbled to the floor, of all the things I could have said to him, I cried out asking if he kept his ring on while having sex with the whore.

I think I asked because in that moment I needed to know if he disrespected me in that way as well.

By the way, my SAWH kept his ring on. It doesn't mean anything to him. It's just a piece of jewelry to him.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/4/2013 19:15 PM

I wanted to know too. My H seems like I should give him brownie points for keeping it on. I was disgusted to think about my ring being all over the OW's body and god knows where else. I think I would've wanted him to take it off.

SoVerySadNow posted 8/4/2013 19:34 PM

My WH kept the ring on. Yuck. I know where it's been on her. He says he didn't even think about taking it off or not (!)- not at all.
But as was said before, neither answer is going to make you happy.

Ashland13 posted 8/4/2013 19:53 PM

At the beginning, I was pretty desperate to know that, too. A wedding ring is a such a huge symbol.

Nearly ExH took his off, pretty quickly. He told OW and probably others that he was a widower (Nope!).

FWIW, I take rings off at night because I have neuropathy and reynauds. My hands fall asleep sometimes at night and it's this horrific feeling when my ring finger would swell with my ring on it. Nearly ExH knew this, though, I made sure to tell him when it first began.

I think as the others do, that you want to know if he wears the ring maybe because of what it signifies-and doesn't, like if someone is pretending.

standinghere posted 8/5/2013 04:25 AM

I also wanted to know, did she wear them, did she take them off, did she think about them at all?

Apparently didn't think about it much.

It was a meaningless piece of metal at that point, but not later.

NotsureIcan posted 8/5/2013 17:08 PM

So weird... I had this thought the other day but I think my WH kept his on because he knew that him wearing his ring afterward repulsed me and he probably would have told me he didn't wear it. Instead we bought new ones. I did see a partial text about his ring (looking over his shoulder) but maybe he was charting with her about a cock ring...God only knows! Bastard

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/5/2013 17:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain, and mind movies. (((((painandgrief))))

You want to know all the details to get some grounding and reality back. IMHO, the whole secret A while the BS thinks the WS is faithful throws the BS'es sense of reality for a loop. If we can know what was going on in secret helps us know we are not crazy in a dream land....the WS is in the dream land.

I've read here on SI of WS'es who take their rings off while with the OP, and others who keep it on. Some have a conscience, others are being sneaky, while others just don't give a hoot.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way

My mother never took hers off, and was proud of the fact. She would agree that taking it off is weird.

But FWH and I have to disagree. We have always taken ours off before we shower and go to bed. Our rings are a bit wide, and get moist underneath, so we like to let our skin dry out overnight. When we began R, we got new ones to symbolize R, and even though they are narrower I still take mine off every night.

Have you asked him how he handled the ring while he was with her? This would be a completely appropriate question for you to ask, and for him to answer if he is committed to R.

womaninflux posted 8/5/2013 19:26 PM

Mine took his off (lost several times and had to buy replacements) as part of his secret life. The OW knew he was married, so it's not like he was leading her to believe he was single. I think he was just trying to live a secret life that made him feel single and 15 years younger. Part of the "appeal" if the affair.

lovelymrsm posted 8/5/2013 22:48 PM

I am struggling with the same mind movies. wh also wears my father's wedding ring. My dad passed away 3mths before we got married. Each dday has made the mind movies worse. We are now in an actual R with TT. I think that if he is real this time that we should get new rings. He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.
I just want to thank everybody for this conversation it has helped me to put words to my feelings about what the rings mean to me, and strength to explain it to my wh

lovelymrsm posted 8/5/2013 22:52 PM

[This message edited by lovelymrsm at 10:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Dare2Trust posted 8/5/2013 23:37 PM


My WH wore his wedding ring, until his psycho OW demanded that he leave his ring in the car every day -when he showed up at he love-nest-apartment for sex. Of course, he obeyed HER.

IF my WH dared to say something like this to me...after having affairs with 4 OW: His stupid butt would be OUT THE DOOR!!

He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.

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