Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Why do I want to know if he took off his wedding ring?
painandgrief
♀ 40158
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last several days I've been plagued with a nagging thought. I want to know if my WH removed his wedding ring when he went out with the OW.

Some back story first: my husband travels for business and met the OW in Asia (far, far away from where we live). They met at the end of one trip and communicated extensively for a month via electronic methods. He returned for another legitimate trip a month later and at this point, they spend practically every evening together. So the emotional affair turned physical pretty quickly.

During his week stay, I believe she stayed every night with him in his hotel room and I know they toured around the city and went out to frequent dinners.

I know he doesn't wear his ring to bed, so what is bothering me so much about what he did with the ring the other times? I'm going crazy wondering if he left it on for business meetings so he could keep up appearances, but then did he take it off for his dates with her?

Was it to lessen his guilt, to pretend I didn't exist, or to feel free to do whatever the hell he pleased?

Right up there with imagining them performing oral sex on one another (which I know they did) I'm becoming obsessed with this.

Why does this matter so much to me?

OMG - when will this torture end?


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to know because of what the ring symbolizes - marriage and fidelity to you.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way, so you can be sure he did when he was with her. It's all part of their compartmentalization. Life with you in one and life with her in another. A guilty conscience is a strong motivation.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you still together? If so, ask him. Mine left his on. I asked why he didn't take it off he said he didn't think about it. He always wears it, so at the time I think it was just a piece of jewelry. No meaning behind it

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2012
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a big deal to me too, but unfortunately it's one of the many things concerning this that there are no "good" answers to.

Mine didn't take his off and it revolts me to think that it touched OW's skin.

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

If you need to know, ask him and find out. But you probably won't like the answer either way...


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TICKED OFF
♀ 8291
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO the whole ring thing is just a symbol of what should have been when the vows were said and the ring was placed on the hand of the spouse. The ring on or off during the time of sex with the op isn't really the issue. The issue to me was the lack of respect and integrity h had for the marriage itself to allow himself to have the a in the first place.

Now if a ws is removing the wedding ring because he/she is trying to cover up the fact that they are married, then that would indeed bother me. But then again remember, it is just another thing to add to the pile of shit they got themselves into. In the end, ring on or off, they still went out and threw us under the bus.


Posts: 2466 | Registered: Sep 2005
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It bothered me to see my ex's ring gone the next morning after D-Day. He couldn't wait to move on, openly walking hand-in-hand with OW uptown 2 days later.

It's like our 30 year M just evaporated.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
laney57
♀ 35617
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH took his off. I hated the pics that showed no ring but his chain around his neck stay cross in tact. That still makes me
He always took his ring off when he got home. Weird now I guess.
I hope you can put this part to rest after asking him. I hate that nagging feeling. Take care!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
painandgrief
♀ 40158
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

I think that's it. He's always worn it every day except at bedtime, so if he took it off, then he cast me and our marriage aside. The game playing with wearing it around business associates would be equally hurtful because he would have known what he did the night before.

I would give anything to have been in his head as he justified whatever decision he made. Ugh.

To answer an earlier question, we are still together trying to make a go of it. I'm angry that my joy has been ripped from me. I'm normally a really happy person and the fact that I needed meds to keep some semblance of sanity just makes me so angry.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
sunsetslost
♂ 39885
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three days after telling me she had been seeing somebody she said these words to me. "I know it's a weird question, but when is it ok to take off the rings?"
I asked her if it bothered him the OM. She said, "Yeah, he asked." In retrospect it was then that I knew it was over


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 780 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
momoffive
♀ 27352
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say you want to know because of what that ring that you placed on his finger represents.

On my dday#2 when he admitted to the PA, as I crumbled to the floor, of all the things I could have said to him, I cried out asking if he kept his ring on while having sex with the whore.

I think I asked because in that moment I needed to know if he disrespected me in that way as well.

By the way, my SAWH kept his ring on. It doesn't mean anything to him. It's just a piece of jewelry to him.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know too. My H seems like I should give him brownie points for keeping it on. I was disgusted to think about my ring being all over the OW's body and god knows where else. I think I would've wanted him to take it off.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^This
My WH kept the ring on. Yuck. I know where it's been on her. He says he didn't even think about taking it off or not (!)- not at all.
But as was said before, neither answer is going to make you happy.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the beginning, I was pretty desperate to know that, too. A wedding ring is a such a huge symbol.

Nearly ExH took his off, pretty quickly. He told OW and probably others that he was a widower (Nope!).

FWIW, I take rings off at night because I have neuropathy and reynauds. My hands fall asleep sometimes at night and it's this horrific feeling when my ring finger would swell with my ring on it. Nearly ExH knew this, though, I made sure to tell him when it first began.

I think as the others do, that you want to know if he wears the ring maybe because of what it signifies-and doesn't, like if someone is pretending.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
standinghere
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to know, did she wear them, did she take them off, did she think about them at all?

Apparently didn't think about it much.

It was a meaningless piece of metal at that point, but not later.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
NotsureIcan
♀ 38113
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So weird... I had this thought the other day but I think my WH kept his on because he knew that him wearing his ring afterward repulsed me and he probably would have told me he didn't wear it. Instead we bought new ones. I did see a partial text about his ring (looking over his shoulder) but maybe he was charting with her about a cock ring...God only knows! Bastard

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain, and mind movies. (((((painandgrief))))

You want to know all the details to get some grounding and reality back. IMHO, the whole secret A while the BS thinks the WS is faithful throws the BS'es sense of reality for a loop. If we can know what was going on in secret helps us know we are not crazy in a dream land....the WS is in the dream land.

I've read here on SI of WS'es who take their rings off while with the OP, and others who keep it on. Some have a conscience, others are being sneaky, while others just don't give a hoot.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way

My mother never took hers off, and was proud of the fact. She would agree that taking it off is weird.

But FWH and I have to disagree. We have always taken ours off before we shower and go to bed. Our rings are a bit wide, and get moist underneath, so we like to let our skin dry out overnight. When we began R, we got new ones to symbolize R, and even though they are narrower I still take mine off every night.

Have you asked him how he handled the ring while he was with her? This would be a completely appropriate question for you to ask, and for him to answer if he is committed to R.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine took his off (lost several times and had to buy replacements) as part of his secret life. The OW knew he was married, so it's not like he was leading her to believe he was single. I think he was just trying to live a secret life that made him feel single and 15 years younger. Part of the "appeal" if the affair.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
lovelymrsm
♀ 40077
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling with the same mind movies. wh also wears my father's wedding ring. My dad passed away 3mths before we got married. Each dday has made the mind movies worse. We are now in an actual R with TT. I think that if he is real this time that we should get new rings. He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.
I just want to thank everybody for this conversation it has helped me to put words to my feelings about what the rings mean to me, and strength to explain it to my wh


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
lovelymrsm
♀ 40077
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by lovelymrsm at 10:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painandgrief,

My WH wore his wedding ring, until his psycho OW demanded that he leave his ring in the car every day -when he showed up at he love-nest-apartment for sex. Of course, he obeyed HER.

TJ,
loverlymrsm:
IF my WH dared to say something like this to me...after having affairs with 4 OW: His stupid butt would be OUT THE DOOR!!

He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.