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Need some help with introspection, please?

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hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 17:41 PM

The cheating made me feel unloved, used, lied to, and fooled. It made me feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. It triggered a need in me to try and get him to love me the way I feel/think I deserved.

I learned to not tolerate it ever again, and just move on. I learned it was not a personal attack on me, but one on himself. So releasing him allows me to get one step closer to a man who one day will love me the way I deserve.

The only problem I can't figure out is why do I keep dating men who are too weak to handle conflict?

Maybe this all boils down to figuring out how to find/attract a man who can handle conflict.

I find it funny that these men can't handle conflict so they go out and create more conflict for themselves. Isn't essentially what they are trying to avoid exactly what they are creating?

So My need for help comes down to, what am I not seeing about myself that causes me to create an attraction to these men? If I can figure that out, I can start dating a real man someday.

I am seeing it much sooner than I use to. Before it would take years and many heartaches. Now it only takes a few weeks to months to see it and move on. How do I attract non-conflict avoidant men?

Is there something in me that I cannot see? Is it my trusting nature?

ladies_first posted 8/4/2013 17:49 PM

People coming out of a divorce or breakup are, to some extent, in trauma recovery. We all have raw spots and bumps and bruises from bad endings.

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.” ~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

why do I keep dating men who are too weak to handle conflict?

If you care to share and elaborate, then perhaps a more objective outsider can determine if the raw spot is with they guys -- or, gently, perhaps with you.

There are also websites on conflict resolution and dispute resolution.

hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 17:53 PM

Thank you ladies_first for your response. I am more than willing to answer any questions and allow everyone here on SI to dig as deep as they feel they need to help me.

I know that I was someone who was unable to ask for help, even if I really needed it. I have gotten to the point of asking the important people in my life for help and not feeling so hard on myself for it. It has actually brought me closer to my loved ones.

So, ask away, what info will help you, help me?

phmh posted 8/4/2013 17:56 PM

You don't have details in your signature -- how long have you been divorced? How long did you spend on your own, not dating or trying to date, figuring out who you were and healing yourself?

As we say here all the time, broken attracts broken, and you need to be emotionally healthy to attract someone else who is.

I first started dating last summer, about 8 months after D-Day and 3 months after my divorce was final. I was not healed, and attracted the wrong kind of guy. I took a break of about 6 months and really focused on me. I'm now in the beginning stage of a relationship with a great guy -- the difference between him and the others is so stark.

If you keep attracting the same kind of guy, it might be time for a break as well as several hours spent reading at baggagereclaim.com.

hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 18:05 PM

Divorced one year. On in house separation for two years prior to divorce due to financial issues and the fact that I wasn't strong enough to force him out at the time. So I became single June of 2012. I didn't date, I read baggage reclaim daily and repeatedly. I started to date a man in Feb of this year. He treated me exceptionally well the first few months. Then he lied to me about talking to his ex and I kicked him to the curb.

My high school sweetheart cheated on me. I first husband cheated on me, along with my second husband. And now the recent ex was headed that way too.

I am attempting to break down in my head the common denominator which seems to be me. Because none of these guys had anything in common. So, I am at an impasse because I am searching for what I need to see in myself that I am obviously over looking. If that makes any sense?

[This message edited by hurtfornow at 6:10 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

ladies_first posted 8/4/2013 18:16 PM

too weak to handle conflict?

What flags indicate the men in your life are "all" conflict avoidant?

hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 18:29 PM

My high school sweetheart was being abused by his father. When I saw the abuse, he ran to the arms of my best friend. That could have been partially my fault because I was young and attempted to push him to press charges.

My first husband was served child support papers when our second child was six months old, for a child from a previous relationship. He ran to the arms of another woman.

My second husband was feeling emasculated by my attending college and not needing him financially, and he ran to the arms of many other women and a man.

This most recent man changed jobs and was under a lot of pressure due to getting into debt, he was attempting to run back to his ex and was found to be on NSA sex sites.

This is why I believe they are conflict avoidant. Please do not be afraid to offend me. I prefer blunt honesty.

hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 18:32 PM

I was told by the two ex-husbands that I was to strong of a person and that pushed them away from me. I am not sure what that means. But I guess that is why I am posting.lol...

With each of the men, when their issues arrived, I assured them that we could get thru this and I would be there to help.

[This message edited by hurtfornow at 6:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

ladies_first posted 8/4/2013 18:47 PM

Let's leave out high school for now...

My first husband was served child support papers when our second child was six months old, for a child from a previous relationship. He ran to the arms of another woman.

My second husband was feeling emasculated by my attending college and not needing him financially, and he ran to the arms of many other women and a man.

This most recent man changed jobs and was under a lot of pressure due to getting into debt, he was attempting to run back to his ex and was found to be on NSA sex sites.


"Running away into the arms of another woman" sounds more like cheating, which obviously involves avoidance of commitment and responsibility.

Are your comfortable discerning the difference between an emotionally engaged partner ... and someone who's physically present, but mentally elsewhere looking for greener pastures?

hurtfornow posted 8/4/2013 18:58 PM

I don't think that I was aware of the difference before. This last ex I saw that he was physically present but he did not seem fully engaged. So for me that was progress and I felt confident walking away from that relationship realizing that my instincts were spot on. I suspected that he was searching for greener pastures while I was just something to fill the time. I did not want to pull the trigger so soon, so I waited and watched. I turned out right.

So I guess that is the lesson I was learning and it just took a few men to learn it.

But I just recently was on a date with a man and we had a great time. We hung out the next day and he told me "I have a female friend that I am emotionally intimate with and am not willing to give her up." I explained that this wouldn't work because I will not be second best to another woman. I however would understand being put after his children, but not another woman.

persevere posted 8/5/2013 00:01 AM

We hung out the next day and he told me "I have a female friend that I am emotionally intimate with and am not willing to give her up."
. That doesn't sound conflict avoidant to me as he didn't have to share that. He sounds like a selfish ass though and certainly not worth any more thought. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Lilypad posted 8/5/2013 06:44 AM

I am seeing it much sooner than I use to. Before it would take years and many heartaches. Now it only takes a few weeks to months to see it and move on. How do I attract non-conflict avoidant men?

Is there something in me that I cannot see? Is it my trusting nature?

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you.

You see your self worth and you are not settling for being treated like crap.

I think that is a good thing.

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