Lately I have been talking to my husband a lot, thinking about my life and myself. I have realized that I have changed quite a bit.
I used to be a very selfish, self-centered, vindictive, destructive, suicidal and shy person.
When I went through IC I started realizing a lot about myself, both good and bad. Also through IC I learned how to recognize and better both good and bad things about myself. I've tried to continue using that knowledge and apply it to my daily life since.
I have noticed that I can still be selfish at times, but I am learning to be considerate of others, particularly my family. I am still working on that aspect. I still find it hard to put others first because of the lingering need to protect myself. That need is giving way for the need to protect my family.
Another aspect of myself that is changing is my vindictiveness. After my A, and even until earlier this year, I wanted something bad to happen to my AP. For instance, I don't feel he has faced any consequences for what he did. I don't even know if he has. I was somewhat obsessed with the idea of him paying for his "crime". I've had a life altering experience as has my husband, and he seems to be getting away with it. I have also felt like people hurt me and get away with it my whole life. The problem with thinking like that in this scenario is I brought it on myself. I also forced it on my husband and family. I am responsible for this being in my life, and I have felt my own consequences. I've stopped worrying if he faces consequences because it doesn't matter what happens with him, only with myself and my family. He isn't worth anything to me. He isn't worth wasting time on or breath on. I normally would have held on to that need for him to face consequences as I've held grudges and been spiteful my whole life, but letting it go has felt very nice.
Last year during the time of my A, I became more suicidal than I normally have been I've always tried keeping those thoughts to myself because I don't like people judging me or thinking I'm crazy. Last year I actually remember sending a text to my AP telling him that I was suicidal and him telling me to go to the library and write my thoughts out. A lot of good that would do. I knew that he didn't care about me. I guess a part of me wanted him to and I don't even know why. I came to realize though, I didn't care about him either. I didn't care about any aspect of him. He was a tool that enabled my self destructiveness.
I was suicidal for quite a long time. I have a lot to live for though. It's been very important for me to see that. I know that if I took my life my husband would eventually be okay but I would be robbing him of the life we could have together. I would be robbing my children of a mother to help them learn, be there to watch them grow and to be there to teach them things. I'd also lose out on enjoying the life I know I can have.
I've always considered myself shy, but it's mainly because I've always been afraid. Afraid of people accepting me, of people not liking parts of me. It relates to my issues with abandonment but it all revolves around the fact I'm always afraid of things. Even my husband. I have been doing better opening to him but still struggle because I don't want him to think badly of me or to not like me. I know it's a dumb fear I need to conquer but it's very difficult for me. In a lot of ways that fear is the root cause of a lot of my problems. I need to figure out how to deal with it.
We recently moved into a new house this past week. Waking up here has been really nice. Our old place was filled with a lot of painful memories. It has felt really good to get out of there, away from the place where everything happened.
I have been trying so hard to improve myself. I have been thinking about things lately and how I was last year around the time of my A. Last year when my husband found out about my A, he told me that he wants me to eventually leave my job and find something else. Last year I would have argued with him and told him no that I didn't want to. Honestly the pay is really nice, but I want to get out of there. I want to get away from all of the negative people and away from the people that I was involved with last year.
I am looking at going back to school hopefully soon. I have an appointment next week to talk about everything involving it. I am really excited about it actually. I can't wait to be done school and move onto something better. Meet better people and make better friends. I already talked to my husband and I think I am going to have to stay at this job until I am at least done school. The program I am looking at is about 9 1/2 months long. He doesn't like this at all but has said he understands and does agree it is probably the best way to go about things. I know he'll be so much better when that place is a distant memory as well.
I don't actually want to be at my job. When I go back to work from my maternity leave, I will go, do my job and come home. Leaving work at work. I am not going to let it affect me or my home life. I should never have let my boundaries down and allowed people into my life the way I do who had no business in it.
I started doing counselling last year around September, I went and did my sessions. I am going to go back when I can (which I think is this September). The way I was last year, I would have never agreed to go to counselling (in fact my husband asked me to go to counselling many times for my problems well before my affair). My husband realized how fucked up I was and realized I needed help. So he suggested counselling, I wanted to change and better myself so I agreed and I started going. I think it was a great thing for me, I learned a lot about myself and how to cope with different things. I learned a lot about how to cope with my anger, learning how to cool down when I am feeling angry. Admittedly, it hasn't always worked, and I am still working on doing it so that I can make it work.
As for everything else I am going to live life to the fullest and enjoy my kids and watch them grow into amazing people. I am going to continue to better myself and live my life with my husband. I am going to continue to grow with my husband and love him like I should have loved him before. I am going to be happy with what I have. I am going to learn to be happy with myself, which I guess I already am.
I have realized through all the changing that I have been doing, that my husband really does love me and he has told me that he forgives me as well. I sometimes think that I still don't deserve to have his forgiveness but it is really nice to hear him say, and honestly, it really helps me with myself.
I never want to hurt my husband like I did last year. I never want to stoop that low to get myself in that kind of situation again. I never want to get that fucked up again to the point of not caring. I just never want to be like that again.
I like the person I have become and only want to continue to get better. I love my husband and children and want to keep bettering myself to be a better mother and partner for them. Admittedly I do get too hard on myself at times, but thinking about all the changes I've made over the past year has helped me realize they are actually real.
That is all for now, thanks for reading.
