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NedsBones posted 8/4/2013 18:23 PM

I'm one week out. I've received "full disclosure", in addition to discovering many graphic details on my own. And they are GRAPHIC.
I have a lot of symptoms. Constant nausea, inability to eat. Unable to sleep. And last night I had several panic attacks. At least I think that's what it was. I've never had that before. I would get really hot, shaky, and couldn't breathe. It would end sobbing. Then I would be fine for a few minutes. Then my breathing would become irregular and it would start all over. It was a long night.
I have help from friends, and my WH is here for my son. I resent my WH now for making me so crazy I can't be there for my baby. He's two, and he's noticed that I'm different, and sad, and often gone.
I'm also in the middle of a class, in my first semester back to school since my son was born. I've missed several assignments, and had to write to my teacher today to beg for any lenience she can grant me. I have never done that as a student. I always meet deadlines, and I always do a good job on my work. I know that this is petty in light of the other things happening, but it is disappointing for me to not live up to my own expectations.

sunsetslost posted 8/4/2013 18:28 PM

So sorry you are here. You'll find good advice and friends here to help you. We've all been through it. I'm 22 days from finding out. My WS is at his house right now. I've done everything I possibly can to make it easy for both of us but she's not been remorseful at all. You have to remember to take care of yourself. You have to eat. Drink water. Stay busy. I hate to tell you but the emotions will be coming for awhile. The betrayal is unthinkable. I sought out a therapist immediately. It is helping tremendously. I am eating again. Sleeping through the night most nights. I have been able to function at my job again. You will find the strength to survive this. It's hard but you are not alone.

Thoughts and wishes.

Tripletrouble posted 8/4/2013 18:32 PM

Hugs Neds. It's awful. Some people are very anti-med and I respect that, but I got on anti-depressant and anti anxiety combo shortly after d day because my physical symptoms were so severe. I also took xanax as needed, but was able to stop those after about 2 months. I still take them with me everywhere, just in case ( I'm just past 3 mos). So sorry for your pain.

brkn_heartd posted 8/4/2013 18:59 PM

I am so sorry Neds that you are having these problems. They sound like panic attacks. I had several when I was still in the JFO part of the A. I was also distracted and in my grief pulled away from the world. It is very hard to come back out but you can. Be honest with those you need to be honest with. If it is your instructor, be honest. I found people were more willing to help if they knew it was a situational issue and not my normal behavior.

Try to spend some special time with your son. He will also notice it. You may not be "yourself" all of the time, but the special time will help him be more comfortable. You mentioned that your WH was there for your son, how about for you?

There is a lot of support here for you. Keep posting.

NedsBones posted 8/5/2013 02:25 AM

My WH is here for me as well. He's assured me complete transparency, has displayed remorse, and he's trying his best to feed me and give me time alone and comfort when I need it. It's just a strange source for nurturing right now.

Nest2007 posted 8/5/2013 04:44 AM

Neds, go for some medication. I know how much it sucks to find yourself in this situation and to even contemplate needing medical help, but it's worth it. 1 month out from DDay I went on meds for anxiety and depression, and it has made a big difference. And when I missed a couple of days, I spiraled - went trawling my husband's email and had my first ever panic attack when I found an email that I misinterpreted. Uncontrollable shaking, shortness of breath - nothing I'd ever experienced before. The drugs are great for helping to survive what was previously the unimaginable. Look after yourself xx

wanttogoforward posted 8/5/2013 06:51 AM

As someone who has been there, and still suffer from the anxiety at 3 years out, I would recommend going to your primary doctor and asking for some type of med to help.... I really wish I had in the beginning.... but unfortunately, I was one of those that thought I was strong (I was always the strong one, the capable one, the one everyone thought had it all together)....

I did finally go get some meds, but they aren't the best choice for me and I might need to try some others... the one short term one that clams me down right away is helpful... I've heard some on here like xanax... I haven't tried that one personally, but it's worth asking about and trying... I know exactly how you feel and experienced the same things....

tushnurse posted 8/5/2013 07:43 AM

Neds - That is a perfect description of an anxiety attack. Please consider seeing your Dr, and asking for something to help, Xanax and Ativan are very common meds used to help with this, I am not a fan of xanax, as it can be highly addictive, and tends to be less effective. (But that's just on medical persons opinion).

I can tell you that the combination of poor sleep, poor nutrition, and being semi-dehydrated is one that will lead you into anxiety land pretty quickly. When I was sleep deprived, I had a much harder time keeping emotions in check. I had ativan to help me through, and honestly as a sleeping aid this stuff is great. It was just enough to calm my mind enough to allow me to get some sleep. If I had good sleep I was usually able to eat the next day.

Please let your professor know what is going on in your personaly life. That you have every intention of getting things done, but life is a bit overwhleming right at the moment. She will most likely give you all the wiggle room, and extra time you need to get things done. It's ok to need that right now. Don't be disappointed in you right now. The fact that you are able to even consider staying in the class is admirable.

Use time with you son as a break from the craziness. My kids were my only peaceful/happy place in the early days of dealing with this mess. They gave me love, and reminded me of the need to stay strong.

((((and strength)))

NedsBones posted 8/8/2013 23:38 PM

I haven't had any panic attacks since that night. I wish I could say that I'm dealing with everything better. I think I may just be dealing with it differently. I did come close to having a panic attack at work the day after, but it never happened. I still cannot concentrate on school work, and my instructor has suggested that I petition my university for a withdrawal from the course on the grounds of a medical condition.
I still don't eat well, but I'm sleeping better. I think that's more because the depression is setting in, though. I sleep too much and eat too little when I'm depressed.
Last night I went to my best friend's house, unintentionally got drunk, and spent the night throwing up and crying on her bathroom floor. She took good care of me after, and feels terrible for not making sure I had something to eat with my wine. It was my fault, though. I'm an adult, not some twenty year old. I know better than to not eat and start drinking.
Another behavior I didn't expect in myself, which I suspect is a way of coping with my anxiety, is that I can not have enough sex with my husband now. I know it might sound strange to some people, and it is, but seriously, it's like it was when we first got together now. What the hell? He's pretty much willing to do whatever I tell him I need, and I think there's some advice on the wayward forum which indicates that this is normal and acceptable. He's still concerned with the sudden uptick, though. Maybe I am, too.

tushnurse posted 8/9/2013 07:30 AM

You are having perfectly normal problems. This is all part of dealing with the shitstorm of infidelity. Do yourself a favor, and see your Dr. Get something to help with the depression/anxiety. Get yourself some protein shakes, and at a minimum force yourself to drink 3 of those a day until you get back to being able to eat.

((((and strength))))

Jennifer99 posted 8/9/2013 09:06 AM

Hi Neds,

I was out 1 year before everything you are describing started to happen to me. Talk about denial and compartmentalization.

Everything you are going through is very normal. Everyone's advice is spot on.

When I finally flipped (might not be what you want to call it but I have a hard time admitting to "breaking down", flipped is much more fun) I did get my doctor to write the school and get me out of an impossible class. I also had medication.

I only needed the anxiety medication for about a week and then "as needed". Its been 3 months and I still haven't finished the first Rx.

Having it there in case of need helps me focus and TRY to do without - relaxation, visualization, breathing exercises, etc. because then I know if those don't work I have back up.

Funnily enough, when I stopped with the "shoulds", my need for the meds dropped. I "should" be a better mom right now, my son needs me. I "should" be a better student than this, I'm tougher than this. I "should" be giving him the cold shoulder not wanting to sex him to death. I "should" get my ass up and out of here and leave. I "should", I "should", I "should".....

Don't "should" anything to yourself. Accept how you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it. If you start to despair of feeling stuck find someone NOT your H to talk to. My IC saved me. I hope you have that option, if not a very trusted someone.

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