He's acting like a baby, to deflect the consequences. Time for him to put his big boy boots on and stop playing the woe is me card.
Take care of yourself. 180.
It will move you further toward healing.
It's as if he's trying on remorse like a new set of nappies. He's just crying about the fit.
Don't change his nappie for him.
Playing the poor widdle me schtick keeps it all about him, while under the guise of remorse.
Do not buy it.
Tell the asshole to stop with the self-pity and start acting like a grown-up. He can get back to you once he's able to be an equal partner, and take responsibility for himself.
Tell us how the 180 is going for you instead.
Got no stories about that?
You should write
stories about yourself.
That is your life isn't it?
Stories about yourself.
I discovered my FWS's affair. He lied, TT'ed, and told me it was just an EA.
As Christians, he confessed his sin before our congregation of "sinning against me because of his pride and arrogance". That very afternoon, all he could do was was cry.... Several times I asked if there was more to his EA. He answered, "no". He went to bed and wept for hours. I held him, I tried to comfort him, I asked him repeatedly if he needed to tell me more. The answer was always - no.
A week later, I discovered the truth via emails.
Keep looking. Continue to ask. Continue to PROTECT yourself --the 180! Stop protecting him because of FOO (family of origin) issues. My husband has multiple FOO issues and I believed we had overcome them after 30 freaking years of marriage!!!
His affair was what he wanted.... Yes, they need IC but that is no reason to have an affair.
Unfortunately, I didn't discover SI for several months after DDay. Your WS cannot be trusted right now AND you need to protect yourself. As much as you want to believe and trust him, he needs to prove himself. You must trust your instincts!!
Hang in there. This is beginning of a long road.
Sorry for my rant, I'm having a triggery day.
He does NOT need to stop IC. He needs to figure out his whys in order to heal. And he needs to turn that victim mentality into something constructive. "I suck" is not a solution to anything.
If he's doing everything he should, then honestly I wouldn't 180 him right now. But I would keep an eye on this pity party to make sure that it's not a way for him to avoid dealing with things. I don't like the "meet him halfway" comment. I think it's too soon for talk like that. You've already done that and more if you've let him stick around.
Even if he is, you cannot possibly have any kind of constructive adult conversation while he's carrying on in the best Drama Queen fashion.
My STBX used to manipulate me with his histrionics. Oh Lord, I was certain he was remorseful. He would cry & sob. Snot bubbles & spittle running out of his mouth. He'd declare himself the biggest fuck-up, that me & the kids would be better off if he was dead. He would carry on with the drama until I was the one comforting him.
It took me what, 17 years? Seventeen years or so to realize that his extreme outbursts of remorse were actually ways to deflect my attention from the true problem(s). I mean, how could I possibly force conversations about ---whatever--- when he's so sad & crying? What kind of meanie would I be to press the adult issues when he was crying like a baby? In fact, on the one or two occasions when I did try to forge ahead and discuss the problems, he'd then manage to ask me how I could continue to gut him & kick him when he was down. Oh man, that totally worked on me.
He knew how to get me to shut up and back off. He played me. Played me like a fiddle. I didn't even realize my strings were being pulled.
I was such a fool.
Don't get played. You tell him to man the hell up and start doing some heavy lifting with your marital problems. And then you do that 180 like your life depends on it.
The 180 isn't about manipulating the WS. It's about helping the BS grow a spine and a self-protective emotional covering.
I thought the 180 was in part to shock a WS into realizing
No. The 180 is for you. You only.
If it is used as a manipulative tool, you are doing it wrong.
Yes, it is for you when there is no remorse.
It is also for you when there is manipulative game-playing, "poor widdle me" crap.
How dare these cheaters hold their pain in front of them as a shield!
It's bullshit. Plain and simple.
What does he want you to do? this statement worries me
Your H needs to continue in IC and I suspect he wants out of it now because his IC is forcing him to face truths about himself which he doesn't want to face. So when is he going to face them?
I get that your H feels terrible about himself but if he gets stuck there then he will always be stuck in the victim mentality. And of course you're sympathetic and of course you can't imagine him doing this to be manipulative, but have you seen glimmers of it? I hate thinking my H was using his tears to manipulate me but one time he was tearfully telling me how he was doing everything he could to R and I pointed out that no, he's doing somethings but he's not doing everything he could. He gave me this odd look as if "wow, she's getting too smart for this stuff to work".
It's possible your H is too emotionally fragile to be R material. It's possible R will break him. But if he's too weak to endure R, then how can he be strong enough to be a good marriage partner? And if this is just him handling the pain of his A, then why shouldn't he feel that pain? You're feeling it, so why should you feel as if you have to protect him from it? You've probably cried a zillion times, so why shouldn't he cry too? Not that I'm advocating being mean to him, but asking questions and discussing the A are necessary healing actions.
It's ok to let him hurt, and grieve, but he has to be able to manage that, and cope with it. That is why it's really really really important for him to conintue with IC. If he is starting to really deal with the painful stuff that he has been able to keep boxed up all along and the box has been opened, then he needs to take the contents out, and look at it, and find it's proper place.
I think a lot of WS quit IC when this starts to happen, or they really hear the things they don't want to hear. This is where you have to be strong and say you go to IC, and figure this shit out, or your new home at night will be the couch.
I am sorry that you weren't allowed to grieve your miscarriage, so many years ago. Our society acts like it's no big deal, and though it never happened to me, I know I would have been a mess had it. It's good that you were able to share those thoughts and emotions, and that he shared that with you.
Wishing you (((and strength)))