What a complete and total shock. The lying, the betrayal, the... everything... just all adds up to the worst moment of my entire life.
We already started counseling last week. She lied to us about the extent of the affair. Her next session is Wednesday.
We have three small children. Those poor babies. Right now she is very remorseful, but seems more so about everyone else finding out (including the kids) versus the act itself.
I will continue to work on ME. That's all I can do. I'm open to reconciliation, but my determination dwindles with each day. I am emailing the counselor regularly and she is helping a great deal.
Thanks for letting me vent...
I know what you are feeling right now, I was there about 20 months ago. In your exact situation, three little kids, etc and feeling completely devastated.
We are here for you, vent all you need! Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Eat well, exercise, drink lots of water, breathe.
I'm not gonna lie to you man, there will be tough days ahead...but everything will be ok, no matter how things work out. All will be ok. It might not feel like it now, but trust me, it gets better. Hang in there, be there for your kids.
You are very wise to be skeptical of your WW's remorse. Mine showed the same type of remorse you describe, more worried about the fallout than deep repentance.
In tune with the cake eating attitude of a WW in this situation, look for her to take this affair underground; she needs to get her fix and its a matter of arranging to do this without you finding out.
Be vigilant, since only with total NC will there be a chance of your wife coming out of the fog. Maybe you won't care by the time she displays genuine remorse; that could be quite some time away.
I would like to hear any stories or advice on how to deal with the kids. We also live in a very small community and I worry about word getting out and ruining her and the kids.
She's spending the night at her friend's house... at work during the day. After work she comes home to help take care of kids, go to school meetings, soccer, etc. The kids probably don't think anything is up.
She told me today that she's talking to an attorney. She doesn't see any way that WE can get past this.
I'm scared for her and for the kids.
It is very important that throughout this you keep the following in mind:
What she has done has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.
Adultery/infidelity is a PERSONAL PROBLEM. It is not a marital problem. But obviously, it can devastate what was a perfectly good marriage. You are no more responsible for her adultery than her heroin addiction if she was a heroin addict.
If she is talking to an attorney then she is still deep in the bullshit fantasy world of the affair. See an attorney quickly and know your rights. Get whatever evidence of the affair that you can. Separate your finances from her immediately because, be assured, her attorney is going to convince her that YOU must be gutted like a fish for making HER life so miserable. Trust me, it is what they do and it is what makes them money.
As far as telling others about her affair? Tell whoever the hell you want. I told anyone and everyone and they all unanimously supported me.
You will get some really good advice here. Listen to it. We have all been EXACTLY where you are now.
She told me today that she's talking to an attorney
I'm scared for her and for the kids.
See an attorney today. Protect your kids, you can't protect her from her own choices. Don't let her control this situation. Her reputation should be of no concern to you. Document that YOU are the one staying every night with the kids.
Hang in there. Trust me, you cannot save her from herself.
She told me today that she's talking to an attorney. She doesn't see any way that WE can get past this.
She's testing you, she wants you to beg her to not go to the attorney. If you cave to that then she knows she can continue the A and still have you waiting for R. The longer you let that arrangement go the worse it gets. If she is still in the A, then file for D, don't delay. My biggest mistake was waiting and trying to nice her out of the A, when in retrospect my only chance to save my M would've been to immediately file for D and take complete control of the situation. Oh, and tell everyone and anyone, the A will lose it's luster in the sunshine.
Sorry you have to be here, but know that there are many of us here who have BTDT, and will offer lots of great advice.
You say "Right now she is very remorseful" Correction - She is only sorry she has been caught. Real remorse doesn't look like anger, and telling you not to talk to anyone about it. She is more concerned about how she looks in this mess than the fact that she has broken her marriage, and hurt her spouse beyond measure. Real remorse doesn't go see an attorney.
I would like to make some recommendations to you to protect yourself and your kiddos.
1. See an attorney or 3, any one that you see for info will not be able to represent her. Get info on how this will play out should she decide to D.
2. Document everything, keep track of how many nights you are keeping the kids, and taking care of them without her there.
3. If she has said she want to work on R, and is going to marriage counseling then you need to go into spy mode, she has proven she is not trustworthy, believe her, hack her phone, her email, and get a VAR in her car. I am willing to bet she has gone underground with this thing.
4. Keep telling those kids that you love them and that you two are having grown up problems. Lots of hugs and kisses, and reassurance is all you need to give your kids at this point.
5. Take care of you. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. If you are having problems doing those things talk to your Dr. Also make an appointment to get STD tested as well. This is for your well being. You have to be healthy to take care of those kiddos.
Lastly read up there in the healing library. Tons of good info, that will help you start to make heads or tails of this, and pay close attention to the 180.
The key now is to realize your wife is still lying to you, the counselor and herself.
She is going to speak to an attorney.
So should you. ASAP!
You should also try to get back on her facebook and print out what tipped you off as evidence if she has not already deleted it.
Why is she staying at a friends?
Is her friend complicit in her affair? Or is she an advocate for your marriage?
So for now take care of yourself and your kids.
Your wife is currently in the "me" stage. She is only concerned for herself and how she looks to others.
If she is not home with you i would out her affair to the world.
Exposure helps to kill it in most cases.
Do not take this sitting down.
Fight for your marriage and see if she comes to the party.
If not you have your answer.
So sorry you are here.
You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.
We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.
You are right - it stinks.
Stay true to yourself. Set your boundaries and love yourself enough to stick to them.
(((gently))) - It doesn't sound as if your wife quite "get's it" yet.
By what you have written it sounds that she regrets being caught but isn't remorseful for what she has done. Big difference.
She is angry that you shared her secret? Too bad. If you could trust her you wouldn't need to do this to find comfort and support. If she hadn't broken her commitment to you there wouldn't be anything to tell.
Right now, do whatever it is you need to catch your breath and find your equilibrium that includes finding people you can count on and that support you.
Your WW needs to understand this and hang on. The road to true reconciliation is a long and tough one. There are good days and really brutal days. Your feelings will be all over the place and rightfully so.
Right now she is very remorseful
Her actions, not words will determine how this process proceeds.
She needs to show you that she is sorry. She needs to answer any and all questions even if you've asked them 1,000 times.
She needs to understand the magnitude of your hurt and betrayal.
Healing takes time. You can't fast track this. You have to feel, express and deal with everything you are feeling. If you don't, it will rear it's ugly head down the road (triggers are tricky like that).
Regret is about being careless enough to get caught. Regret is for the shame she may feel. Regret is being sorry for something you've done, but not necessarily taking action to make amends. One can feel sorry that their BS is hurting without doing a single thing to comfort them or help them recover. Regret is a feeling that is momentary and can be easily suppressed, especially if they are someone who compartmentalizes. Regret is passive.
Remorse, on the other hand, is active. Remorse comes when the betrayer, feel compassion for the BS. It is when they are willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS heal. Remorse is selfless. Remorse asks, 'what more can I do to help you?'
You need to see that she understands your pain. When it is true remorse, they realize that they'd do anything- literally anything- to take away your pain. In other words - they "get it."
Remorse is taking responsibility for their bad choices and is necessary for recovery and true reconciliation.
Are you sure the affair is over? Has your WW agreed to NC?
If she has one foot out the door, then see an attorney so you know your rights.
Hang in there and know that we are here. Keep moving.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:05 PM, August 5th (Monday)]
I'm just blabbergasted. This isn't the girl I know. It's like a pod person has taken her over. As soon as she put the kids to bed, she couldn't wait to run out the door. I know she's been going to her friend's house every night... and it is a good friend for her to be seeing. She is religious, my friend as well, and wants us to reconcile and do what's right.
I can't believe I'm going through this. What a freaking nightmare. And it pains me that I want to reconcile so bad. Part of me just wants to man up and kick her to the curb. Another part wonders if I would put up with this much if it weren't for the kids. Another part remembers the old her I love so very much. She's my everything.
We have a saying around here, and for many of us, it was how we saved our marriage.
"You have to be willing to loose the marriage to save it."
In reality it is the impetus many WS's need to get their heads out of the asses. It is also not doing much to change your reality. You have already lost her, you just haven't accepted that yet. She has made the choice to have both of you as long as you will allow it. But in reality she is no longer commited to you.
It sucks, it's hard, and the pain can be overwhelming. But you can decide how much abuse and pain you will endure.
She runs out the door every evening...to stay at her friends? Why the hurry? She still goes to the OM's class?
All the while, you are still at home, right? Cleaning, caring for the kids, finances, etc?
What consequences has she had from her actions?
She's gonna ride this setup as long as she can. She has it made. Only you can change it. You gotta put fear aside right now and take bold actions to save your M, with no guarantee it will work, but know that either way you will be ok.
At a minimum you need to demand she quit the class, go NC, and verify her whereabouts at all times (can you confirm she is actually at her friends?). If she can't do that, you have to file for D, you can't stay married to someone seeing another man.
Good luck to you, I know it's not easy. I waited too long to take action, put fear aside and take your life back.
NC has to be established in order for the marriage to have an ounce of a chance. Right now what are her consequences? None. She plays mommy when its convenient and then runs out the door.
She is cakewalking. She wants her cake and eat it too. Close your bakery.
NC should be a deal breaker. Either you and your family or the trainer are more important. She gets to choose. But do not allow her to have both.
We realize it is hard, but you must do this for you, your family and your sanity.
She says the class is ALL SHE HAS and that if she up and leaves everyone will know what is up.
Really? That is her biggest concern right now? This is her attempt to manipulate the situation. What bull. If she is so worried about what other people think then perhaps she shouldn't have put herself in this place to begin with.
She can find another gym or simply take a run outside. Simple solutions to make an effort to eliminate the OM from the picture if she truly wanted to.
Please go to the Healing Library and read up on the 180.
Time to start it NOW.
Your WW is in her fantasy fog and you have to realize the person she was is no longer the person she is.
Perhaps considering having D papers drawn up to show her what all is at stake. You don't have to file but the reality of her actions will quickly come to light.
Is the trainer married? If so, then his BS needs to also be informed. It will bring the whole ugly lie out in the open.
You will be okay. We are here. I am sorry if some of this sounds harsh. I simply do not want to see you strung along and hurt further.
Good luck. Keep posting. Keep reading.
(((hugs and prayers)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:27 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
I've already started the 180 process. I was well on my way to a better me until I kept snooping and found more info. That put me right back to Day 1, I reacted emotionally and that set her back (funny how that works).
The trainer dude told my wife to no longer attend the class. He's worried about his business and other people knowing... plus I chatted with him and laid all kinds of guilt on him. I think it finally clicked. What's sick is that she found a way around that little rule and attended ANOTHER one of his classes. She's pursuing him. Ugh.
I asked the therapist about an NC ultimatum. She suggested we wait until I meet with her again.
[This message edited by brokenman123 at 11:38 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Don't tell others? Um no! You get to tell and confide in anyone you see fit to. You need someone IRL to discuss this with, then do.
I absolutely 100% disagree with not sending a NC letter. The sooner you put your foot down, and make her realize that you are not going to be her doormat, the sooner you start healing yourself. With or without her. If she is unwilling to come out of the fog, then that is her choice, but you need to be strong for you.