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Ashland13 posted 8/4/2013 20:36 PM

Nearly Exh has been a huge bully as we close in on divorce. He's kind of like a snowplow through our lives and then gone again.

He's growled at me about communicating with DD and told me without hesitation to BUTT OUT.

Well, tonight the Karma Bus made a stop and he got pulled over. Apparently DD knew of this and now some strange behavior is explained (extra clingy girl).

The question is, I got a message from him asking me to communicate a message between them that he is ok.

I feel very mixed up and angry and don't know how rational it is that something small be a trigger, but I think it's the whole control issue?

I have not replied to the messages from him, as I don't know how. My impulse is sarcasm, but all that gets me is a fight or silence and he complains to his lawyer.

I'm tired of being a doormat, but I saw her worry about something and she wouldn't tell me it was about him.

What do I do? If I tell her I feel under his control, even hours away, and if I don't tell her, she will worry. Again I notice that she didn't tell me there was an issue with him, though, that stands out in a huge way and I don't like that at all.

If I don't tell her, I chance getting a yelling at anyway and he could still complain to his lawyer that I am in the way.

What to do?

devistatedmom posted 8/4/2013 20:53 PM

Ash, take yourself out of the equation. Just tell him he is welcome to call her and tell her himself.

You are not his secretary, and don't need to relay messages for him. He can dial a phone, and I'm sure your DD would like to hear his voice.

That way, you aren't hindering him, you are inviting him to have his communication.

Edited to add: And I do mean, tell him JUST that. "You are welcome to phone and tell DD whatever you need to tell her yourself. She would love to hear your voice." Then back away and let her get the phone when it rings.

[This message edited by devistatedmom at 8:54 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Sparkles posted 8/4/2013 21:02 PM

I agree with devistatedmom. Just send him a quick email with exactly what she said:

"You are welcome to phone and tell DD whatever you need to tell her yourself. She would love to hear your voice."

It also seems to me that he wants you to know that *something* is wrong. I don't see why he has to involve you. Just send him the email and get out your tiny little violin for him...

Housefulloflove posted 8/4/2013 21:20 PM

I think the response DM gave is perfect. And if he has anything to say about that ignore him. If he doesn't call, oh well.

If something is wrong with him, oh well. Again, that's his business. If his whole life crumbles around him like a house of cards, not your problem! It's so hard to adjust to that mind set after being the one who had his back for so many years but he turned his back on you. His choice. His problem.

He is an AWFUL person with poor decision-making skills. Whatever problems that causes him is for him to deal with alone. Don't make his personal problems your problems because he will have a limitless supply to dump on you because he is incompetent. I know, SO much easier said than done!

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 16:20 PM

FWIW, I did the advice on the thread all of you gave me...for this time around, it worked!

Thank you!

What I couldn't figure out was how to get it to go by without drama and that worked fine. I don't know if it will work again, but I'll keep at it.

It was really nice not to be his puppet.

Thank you.