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Dday 2wks today, not sure I want R now

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heathenchristian posted 8/4/2013 21:13 PM

I have been trying, I haven't asked many questions re: A or OW.
He has a condition/deal breaker for me....If I can't get to a certain size then he doesn't think he can love me the way he wants to and the way I want him to.
I don't think I can R because it's like having a gun pointed at me and if I mess up it's over.
Especially for someone who (me) has always had weight issues.

authenticnow posted 8/4/2013 21:20 PM


HE can't love you unless you're a certain size? He cheated because you're not his idea of what size his wife should be?

I'm a huge proponent of R, but FTG! He doesn't get to set the conditions. R is a gift and if he doesn't get that then it's his loss.

Please love yourself enough to realize that he is so not there, and you deserve at least a tiny bit of remorse.

I have been trying
Trying should not be staying quiet and not asking questions. That's not how to R, that's not how to heal. That shit will eat you up alive.

Heavy Sigh posted 8/4/2013 21:34 PM

It's early and you have time to deal with the shock and to make a decision.

But the first decision I would make in your shoes would be to work on detaching, little by little. Try to remember who you were at your strongest - who or what you wanted to be, and make small-step plans to get there. Your interests. Dreams of what you wanted and might still be possible.

It's possible he's using the weight thing to scare you and for leverage to keep control, and doesn't mean it.

Or he means it, and you're correct that you'll be on edge for a lifetime. Even if you overhaul nutrition, exercise lifestyle and even get liposuction, you'll continue to grow older in this life.

We can't change older. If what he wants is a certain image, no female can be forever young, forever admiring, forever beautiful.

While feeling destroyed in early D-Days and indecisive, it would seem a bad time to build up one's esteem and grow stronger, but get into some kind of counseling and work on it (i'm talking esteem and personal interests and dreams), because even if you can't feel it helps now, it's tiny steps.

That will help you find the direction best for you.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:46 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 8/4/2013 21:38 PM


This just kills me.

First, I am sorry. Sorry you are here. I am sorry he has chosen to rip your world apart and then continues to add to your pain with outrageous demands.

You are not your weight. You are a woman who is special, loving, faithful and deserving of a man that will hold you and your heart with care.

He is not that man.

I don't suggest people make decisions right after dday. I don't know if this man is who you married or if he has taken a leave of his senses.

So for now, the immediate future can you start to take care of you? Can you get into some IC talk to someone about you, what you want, what you need.

Slowly the talking will turn into action. You will take the needed steps to do what is the best for you, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

You need to build your self esteem up to a place where you are comfortable in your own skin. You need to know deep in your core that what your husband is doing to you no woman (or man) deserves.

Take one step at a time. Come here for support and see your IC.

We are here to listen and cheer you on because we may not know you yet but we already know you are worth more than he is willing to give you.

You will get there.

(((hugs))) and strength during this difficult time.

ophelia24 posted 8/4/2013 21:42 PM

Your post makes me sad HC.

You must feel quite powerless in this relationship to accept being so ill-treated.

heforgotme posted 8/4/2013 21:49 PM

Well, the only positive thing I can think of to say about this is good thing he told you now, so you can see how incredibly shallow he is and not waste any more of your time.

HE had an affair, but his big concern at this point is YOUR weight??

I think you are very smart to be reconsidering R with this person. He should not be trying to set conditions, he should be trying to make you feel safe. And that "condition" accomplishes just the opposite.

heathenchristian posted 8/4/2013 21:51 PM

He has always wanted me to be a certain size. I have gotten to a size that he was really digging and then I kind of resented him and we barely had sex.
We've always struggled in this area of sex and my weight.
He is shallow and materialistic.
Me I was not brought up that way I don't care if we lose everything as long as we are in love. I want the heart and soul emotional love. He doesn't have to be supermodel hot. His personality is what really made me fall in love with him in the beginning. Don't get me wrong he was/is good looking.

It could be too that he is addicted to porn.
He's admitted it and wants to know why he has to give it up. (porn and the size/looks because he needs to be attracted all the time)

However, I have a part time job, no insurance and don't make a lot.
I feel like I am trapped.
I'm sure my mom would help out, but this would totally destroy our childs entire world.
I don't want our child to change because our child has such a great personality even when mad or upset.
I also know staying in a loveless marriage is not good for a child to see. They need to see parents that are in a loving and caring relationship.
I know he's trying but I think it's beyond repair at this point.
I have been very quiet towards him today and while we went on our walk he even asked why I wasn't talking too much.
I am comfortable with me, I also want to be smaller because I felt so much better when I was. I could do more things.
Before Dday I had been working on me and I've now got this to deal with and it's kind of gotten in the way of me fixing me.
Just too much going on becasue my oldest got his gf prego. We haven't even told the rest of the family yet. He's scared, I am in no way able to bring on another responsibility. My son doesn't work.
Just too much going on.

He just wanted to knw if I was coming to bed (wants sex) he gets hurt if I refuse sex, always has. However I never knew that until recently. He says sex makes him feel connected. I don't get it because if I'm not attracted to someone I wouldn't want to have sex with them.
Funny thing is I haven't cried much about this whole thing....IS THAT WEIRD????????

[This message edited by heathenchristian at 10:09 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

MystiKay posted 8/4/2013 22:19 PM

HUGS...I have nothing so say other than HUGS. I am so sorry for all you are going through and the on top of that those horrible conditions. All my good thoughts to you. Take care of yourself and our child.

Skan posted 8/5/2013 20:49 PM

I hate to say this to you, but if you manage to his "his" perfect weight, then next it will be the size of your nose, or your boobs, or the height of your heels, or some other ridiculous goal of HIS. As long as YOU are not enough for him, then you will never be enough.

Do you really want to live like that? He's already got you not talking about what you need to process, which is his A and the OW and his reasons for literally screwing you over. And until you know that you ARE enough, in of yourself, I fear that you are going to keep accepting his shallow and self-serving seconds.

heathenchristian posted 8/6/2013 20:48 PM

Skan - i already told him that it will never be enough.

If he wants this to work, he needs to work on this issue within himself.

I am not just a shell and am a human being inside that has many qualities that most men would want.

It's up to him. I told him I will need to take day to day and there will be days I may need to be left alone and he needs to deal with it because he caused it, not me.

I am taking ownership for the faults in our marriage but not for the decision he made to stray that is his he needs to own.

Feeling good about myself and feeling self sufficient and confident again.

I am concentrating on me for the time being.

brokensmile322 posted 8/6/2013 21:03 PM

My heart is breaking for you, HC.

This demand is just the worst kind of thing another human being could say to someone. I hope you realize this.

My guess is that he is addicted to porn and doesn't want to give it up, he doesn't want to change his ways so he is focusing on something you will have a difficult time doing. That way when you don't do it, he can say that he is 'justified' in doing whatever bad thing he want to be doing.

Please, please start a 180. You are worth so much more than being treated this way. HE is the issue. Not your size, not your personality, not anything about you. If HE is not happy with you the way you are, show him the door.

Hugs HC!

Baldeagle posted 8/8/2013 17:03 PM

He's taking it way to far, like he's the gift! No matter what my wife's weight/size I never stopped loving her because of it. Did I like it? No,but I wasn't going to end my relationship over it.

Reality posted 8/8/2013 18:18 PM

There's always porn involved when someone fixates on weight, it seems, doesn't it? Outside the obvious irony about what's real and what's fake (both in bodies shown and in behavior/situation) paralleled against the self absorbed shallowness of guy delusional enough to demand things after an affair, I think the best answer is a 180 so hard, he doesn't have access to you at all.

He's not happy with the opportunity you gave him to still be near you? Fine. Then he doesn't get to be near you. At all. For anything.

I'm completely sure everything feels like too much right now, especially with your son's issues on top of everything with your WH. I understand wanting to prioritize dramas, but, HC, your WH is being so cruel to you. That's some epic level victim blaming. It's even epic level victim blaming perpetrated by the abuser.

Please factor yourself in when you're trying to juggle dramas. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, TOO.

brkn_heartd posted 8/8/2013 20:23 PM

Hugs to you. My Mother and Father went through that battle. He had multiple affairs and always blamed it on her weight. The more he hurt her, the more she gained.
They ultimately D at 32 year of marriage and he married that OW. Karma hit him and he is miserable, and I believe he regrets leaving my Mom, because she really loved him. She has died, but she was hurt by it until she died.

I have also struggled with my weight. I had lost quite a bit when my H had his A. I gained afterwards, and am now down to a healthy weight. You need to do what you want/need to be healthy. If it means not dieting and taking care of your mental health then that is what you need to do. To have a condition put on you is unfair. You might tell him you would love him more if he grew out another color hair! It is crazy the demand he has put on you. Love is not about looks, yes we want to be attracted to our mates, however, there are many ways to be attractive without being the perfect porn size too!

Right now, take care of yourself, and decide what you really want. You have this issue now, but if you stay it could still be an issue 20 years from now.

whattheh posted 8/8/2013 20:33 PM

He has the A and then has the nerve to dictate his conditions?

If he's still having sex with you then he 's still attracted. I call bulls%$t on your behalf.

He is trying to control the outcome and distract from what he has done.

RockyMtn posted 8/8/2013 21:09 PM

I agree with whatheh. This sounds like blameshifting.

Even if he was doing it before the A, I'd still call blameshifting. He was calling out your "faults" to make up for his own.

Anyway, about your kiddo. I get it. A big factor in my R was an intact family for my kids. But if I thought R would mean modeling unacceptable behavior (and for each family that is different), I'd be outta here. Your kiddo does have a great personality, I'm sure. But what happens down the road when he or she is "taught" that men can demean women for their weight? And that the women will accept that? Just balance your desire for an intact family with what this situation means for your child in the future.

Walking posted 8/9/2013 05:45 AM

He, is an a-----. Tell him you have a condition of your own, that he get a brain transplant, because any doorknob who cheated on his wife and uses the opportunity he has been given to be critical of her, rather than work on his own considerable issues, is too much of a moron for you to build a life with. Tell him you'll know when the surgery has been completed because he will stop saying such stupid stuff. 180 girlfriend, focus on yourself a while.

Whew, now seriously, your child will not benefit from being in a house full of love that only comes with strings attached. I was on another thread and a wise person there said that he thought there is a stage right after you find out called Not divorcing. You are not in R, he is not R. That said for a lot of practical reasons you are not ready to divorce him. Focus on yourself, not your diet but helping your child, doing what you need to do to financially get on a footing that gives you more choices and 180 your husband until he shows a modicum of remorse, which he is not at all right now. Until he is in R, you marriage is not in R. Sounds like you have a supportive mom, maybe use her as a sounding board until you are a bit less foggy. Get in counseling if you can but if not, I have read a lot of good stuff on this board both in the posts and in the healing library. Bottom line you have given this man the priceless gifts of yourself, your children, and a possible R. In return he has given you an affair, and a pathetic ultimatum. He does not deserve you.

Edited to remove the name I called the wh after seeing the guidelines from moderation.

[This message edited by Walking at 5:02 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

bionicgal posted 8/9/2013 06:37 AM

I have been overweight most of my life, so please know that this comes from a place of understanding and not judgement.

It does sound like your H is blameshifting, however. . . If you read His Needs Her Needs, some (usually men, not always) have a strong need for their partner to look a certain way. I don't know if it can always been written off to porn, etc.

So, it may be that your husband is one of those men. Does that make it ok for you to stay if this is not attainable for you? No. You need to be loved for who you are.

I do think some MC/ic would help him figure this out, and whether it truly is a dealbreaker for him. My FWH is somewhere in the middle on that need. He cares more than I ever thought he did (which was not at all) but it isn't a dealbreaker.

So, you need to figure out if it is a legitimate need or not.

Best of luck to you!

sisoon posted 8/9/2013 14:00 PM

Not wanting to R with this guy under these conditions sounds like a GREAT decision. It would be better if you opted out of this M because he's unremorseful, shallow, and not in touch with reality, but anything that gets you out of this is probably a Good Thing.

Your child(ren?) would benefit from living with 2 parents, in love and loving. Since your H isn't there yet/now(/ever?), you're faced with a choice between staying in an effed up M - which makes your H's values and behavior OK in their eyes - and becoming a single-parent household in which you teach them to love, respect, and take care of themselves. I think the 2nd would be a better household.

But that's not the choice yet. Right now, why not do the 180? Build your own strengths. Tell your H what your requirements for R are (NC, transparency, honesty, IC for him, MC, no porn...) and see if he'll step up.

Remember -

I have gotten to a size that he was really digging and then I kind of resented him and we barely had sex.

That says to me: if you settle for less than you deserve, you'll make your life and his miserable. So don't R unless he really steps up - don't stifle yourself!

BTW, sex to me is love and connection, and it was very hard to learn that 'no' once in a while wasn't a total rejection, but I learned. And I don't think I could have sex unless I found my partner attractive. (Way back before I got M, I refused to follow up on some opportunities because the women just didn't turn me on - nice, attractive women, but just not for me.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:04 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

womaninflux posted 8/9/2013 14:15 PM

I lost 40# in about 4 months once I figured out what was holding me back:

Simply, I am married to an asshole.

The weight thing was brought up AGAIN 3 nights ago. At the encouragement of our MC and his CSAT, I told him in no uncertain terms do I ever want to hear that brought up again. It is not a valid excuse for what is going on with him. His issue began long before we ever dated. His ED began long before I gained weight.

Further, he needs to acknowledge that I gained weight in part because I felt emotionally abused and physically abandoned in the marriage (just as I need to own my role in accepting that).

Your weight has NOTHING to do with the state of your marriage and his mental state about the marriage. It is his issue. Do not allow yourself to be controlled by this or hinge your happiness on someone's idea of what you should be. Focus your energy on who you want yourself to be.

Is he willing to see a Sex Addiction counselor to work on his issues? It certainly seems like he has many that dovetail into the sex addict symptom list.

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