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Desperate and just need heard

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mangledmom posted 8/4/2013 21:54 PM

After stbxSAWH A's 2.5yrs ago, I have TRIED. I have gone to IC, MC, went back to work and school, lost weight, spent lots of quality time together, and gotten stronger in many areas. I have also dealt with abuse and was re traumatized a few weeks ago when I discovered that hubs screwed 20ish prostitutes over an 8mnth time frame (some more than once) and stole thousands from his grandfather to fund it all while on my way home from a 7.5hr surgery and overnight stay(2.5yo DD had major foot surgery 2wks before that) I also found out I was accepted into the RN program and would have to quit my job. Needless to say, I have been in a sort of shock. Life has been standing still and I have some major decisions to make, although a divorce WILL happen.

Where my hangup has always been: PROTECTING MY KIDS! He is a horrible dad who has placed my kids under serious risks and has been abusive to my babies. My IC likes to call my state of life the "abused wife scenario" where I live between a rock and a hard place. Because the damage done by SAs isn't as apparent as the other addictions, I am sadly in a place of not being able to protect them from him. As a mom, I really feel helpless and sometimes hopeless.....but I am working on it.

This past Wednesday, I found out that the escort site he frequented was busted and 8 johns were arrested the day I kicked him out. I did some research and discovered that he had shared the name of a dear friend of mine on his little prostitution site telling about her photography business and discussing our family like he was talking to a buddy. I LOST IT!!!! The anger hit, and it came with a vengeance. I told him how dare he share her info in a disgusting place like that (she wouldn't have appreciated that), not only did he place her personal info out there, but these whores had seen his face meaning had they visited that site they would have seen me and my babies, leaving us yet again open and vulnerable. I told he was thisclose to his own arrest because his "favs" were part of it the bust. I told him I saw date stamps on his pathetic and disgusting reviews and posts, and I know for a fact he was on that site on my home computer in front of my kids while I was in class, once again exposing them to things they shouldn't see (he did this with porn too, and my 8yo was recently caught looking at that trash!!!). I told him he had placed our health, safety, and security at risk, and he was like an enemy in his own home repeatedly stabbing the 4 of us in the back. I told him he never loved me and just used me to appear normal, and that at this point I would protect the kids no matter what it took because the mere fact he was looking at that crap in front of them AGAIN goes to show just how unsafe he is for them. I was furious. When I got home, he was crying and begging for a hug. I said "NO" he could go cry alone and be ignored by me like he likes to do to me when I hurt. He went in the closet where the guns are locked up. He had a suicide gesture a few months ago. He said he was suicidal, asked me to take him to the hospital and admitted himself. He was let go 2 days later after I got the guns out of the house.

Yesterday he was pissed I wasn't happy he was released. He told me I was just pissing him off and that I wanted him to be admitted to the hospital so I could "fuck him over and take his kids." I asked if he wanted rainbows and unicorns blown up his ass after all this shit, and he had the balls to say that it would be nice after everything he had been through. Then the line came...."everyone just needs to get over it all. I am not going to sit here and ponder on the past. Everyone needs to just move on." When I asked if he thought I needed to get over it, he said kinda, but he guesses not. I asked if his grandfather needed to get over the fact he stole close to $8500 in 8mnths, and he said "Yep." WOW!!!! I knew he was fucked up, but WOW!!!! This man is sick. I have watched him manipulate his gpa through tantrums into buying him a Cadillac and a motorcycle. He just uses and abuses people and doesn't even care. My kids are stuck with this sicko. How can I protect them? He is not mentally safe to be around, and in court I could probably save them from it for 6mnths to a year, but after that, what happens? I am seeing an attorney this week. I think it's gonna get ugly. But WOW!!!

Saddest part, his gpa asked, through tears, if we were gonna make it. He said we needed each other, and he didn't wanna lose the kids. Wtf am I stuck in?! Or better yet, what are my kids stuck in? Will my kids be ok? Has anyone been here? What can I do? I feel so powerless and helpless to protect them from this shit.

MovingUpward posted 8/4/2013 22:04 PM


Your kids are relying on you to keep them safe. You need to follow whatever course of actions that might require. We are here for you to lean on.

inconnu posted 8/4/2013 22:06 PM

(((mangledmom))) oh sweetie, I wish I had some answers for you. All I've got is hugs though, and letting you know you've been heard.

mike7 posted 8/4/2013 22:07 PM

man! you are being run through the ringer.

i admire your strength and determination to keep your kids safe. Hang in there. You will make it. You sound like a strong woman.


homewrecked2011 posted 8/4/2013 22:08 PM

I hear you loud and clear. It is always about us protecting the children...

I have to send my children with my XWS every other weekend and it makes me sick because I am afraid the OW is seducing my sons (she is the predator in all this).

You might want to post over in Divorce and separation because several people are going thru this right now.. Nature_Girl and 2 others I can't recall their names right now. They had in home investigations done on WS...Also look under the I can relate forum, and look under those dealing with sex addicts. There is a lot of support there, too.

I am so sorry you are here.
See an atty (or two or three) until you find someone who is really good and understands what is happening to your children. Also, do not tell your Ws you are seeing an atty bc the atty may want you to gather certain evidence.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:09 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

devistatedmom posted 8/4/2013 22:12 PM

Tell your lawyer everything you told us. Even that he stole or bullied his grandfather into giving him money. My only thought is perhaps it would fall under elder abuse, or some kind of extortion, and then you have the grounds to keep the kids away until he gets help, or at least supervised access?

Lawyer is your best bet to protect those kids. You can do this.

mangledmom posted 8/5/2013 11:13 AM

Thanks guys. I feel like I am in a nightmare! His grandparents have always been generous and made sure we were taken care of. When he had his As 2.5 yrs ago, he was fired, we were losing our home, and he was starting all the suicide talk. Because his dad was never there and committed suicide, they are TERRIFIED he will too. He wanted a bike, so they agreed to it. When the $ didn't come quick enough, he started taking it out on us, then being a dick to them. His gma was in tears worried about THEIR future ($ is running out), and he said they needed to get it to him ASAP. I was disgusted. I called him out and told him he wasn't entitled to a penny. His response, "great, now I gotta hear your bullshit lecture. Who's fucking side are you on?"

He bought a serious POS car he knew would die soon because he knew they'd never let him drive the kids in it. They didn't, and he decided a Cadillac was the only car he wanted. His gparents had to help get the loan since we lost our house (they also cosigned our lease). They wanted him to get Ford, Chevy, or Dodge. He refused. He was so mean to them, blowing up at every convo. He let his gpa have it one day, told him it was BS they were trying to force him into something he didn't want, then told him he was leaving and not to talk to him. Two days later, he had the Cadillac. Then, 2 mnths later, the engine blew, gpa paid all the repairs, and sawh has never once paid a penny towards the car. I told them they better not cosign a harley. It's sad really. Really disgusting to watch honestly.

And the kids. He told his APs 2.5 yrs ago he didn't even want the kids. I forced him to have them and just used him to have babies. (really laughable considering I have always had plenty of men to pick from!) He doesn't play with them, won't feed them, rarely goes to anything they are involved in, and when my baby had surgery in April, he slept the entire time, including when they couldn't wake her for HOURS post surgery and they had already used meds to reverse the anesthesia. He went home that night while I stayed with her and looked at bikes, applied for a loan, then called and never ONCE asked how DD was. I found out 2wks later about the prostitutes. Why does he care about having them or not? He's never shown any interest in them at all.

I was honest that if he didn't get real help and recovery that I would fight for supervised visitation. I have said that for days. He said to me last night, "MM, most people would do what they could to keep my kids from me, but you are such a great person, I know you'd never do that to me." I almost fell over. How fucking manipulative is that?! I asked if he had heard a word I had said over the last few days, and he got pissed and said, "guess I thought you'd change your mind." He said I couldn't keep them away forever, and got his usual cold, cocky smirk. He knows he holds power still. He is a cold, mean human being.

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/5/2013 11:24 AM

MM- I am a firm believer in going to the mat for a marriage. Especially when children are involved. So I'm not saying this lightly. RUN, don't walk away from this a-hole. He doesn't deserve you or those kids!!!!dont waste another precious second of your life on him!

[This message edited by ohiocarrie535 at 11:27 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

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