We have the opposite problem. I can't imagine having sex with my WH anymore, after 20 years of having a vigorous sex life together. It's not that I'm not attracted to my WH. I know that the problem is mine (mind movies and a fear of rejection), not his (though he did trigger it with his ONS).
I imagine this is even more true in your situation where you are the BP. It definitely sounds like something he needs to deal with in IC. Suggest that he talk to his C about this if he hasn't already. I don't know, maybe there's a reason for his lack of response. Maybe he's holding back until the STD tests come back? Maybe he thinks he needs to earn your trust back before being intimate again? I'm sure the wise veterans here will be able to come up with some ideas.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
I can honestly say that was not an issue for us, however I think it is fairly common for men to not be able to perform when they are dealing with this stress. This can happen for any number of reasons, that he wants so hard to prove to you that your the most important, to guilt, to confusion.
I would highly recommend that he discuss this with you when you are not in an intimate situation, ask him what he thinks it might be, and try not to come from a place of anger or frustration, but safety (yah I know the BS being the safe place is counter intuitive) but he may be able to separate his issues in that situation.
You should get tested for STDs.
Craigslist ho and stalker to boot in my story gave my fWH hpv and herpes which I now have. It's a hookup site and most are there for physical stuff and they don't waste much time just emailing.
[This message edited by whattheh at 10:07 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
I hate to say it, but it's entirely possible that he's worried he may have caught an STD and he's avoiding having sex with you until he's tested so he knows for sure. It's also possible he may be on antibiotics for some kind of SUI or STD and is stalling until it's cleared up.
Elphaba, I just want to say that when someone shows you who they are, it's very important to believe them. You were all of 11 months in, and this guy was already shopping for a cheap thrill behind your back. You didn't even get to a YEAR.
He's shown you who he is. Please believe him.
Still don't have the truth. Sorry you find yourself here.
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday
I went to your prior thread trying to get a better understanding of things, but unfortunately, you didn't go back to answer the questions posters were asking, so the thread just kind of died. I'm still not real sure as to whether you actually caught him with her, or just read emails between them, or if you have solid proof these two had met up in person.
Let me fill in a bit here- on Sunday the 23rd of June, I opened my laptop to pay bills while my BF showered. He had been using my laptop that past week to look for work (JUST had gotten laid off the Tuesday before). He left his Email (One of three) open...I thought nothing of it, till I saw in one of the subject lines SEXXXXYY BJ for you...WTF?!?!?
So- I opened the email. There was a thread...first his responding "I sure would like to get that BJ" her responding to him "sure- have to ask for a donation tho $50" His response- "OK, send me a pic please" to which she did (One from the internet...I looked up naked skank in shower, and it came right up).
He asked for her address, she gave it to him "that's right by my place...I will be there in 5 minutes"
I immediately went to his trash folder- there was another email- same type of thread. I was shaking SO badly at this time, my mind was spinning. All I wanted to do was run out of there.
He came out of the shower and came over to give me a hug, I was throwing clothes on, the laptop still open on my bed. I admit it, I just lost it- I screamed at him to not touch me. Then immediately confronted him. His response to me "NOTHING HAPPENED". Liar
We had it out that night. I gave him his chance to spill it, tell me everything to clear the table, see what was going on. He denies it to this day. I know he is lying. I just know. Why would he ask for her address?? Then tell her, I'll be there in 5 minutes?? THAT haunts me...
So- I have been tested. He says he was just tested. I have yet to see the results for him. I'm ok, for now.
I am committed to a one year lease here in my apartment. I am on the lease. I cannot afford it on my own. So- I stick it out??
Writing this takes me back to the nightmare. Now he can't even perform sexually with me. I told him today to go home (after dropping me off at work this morning)and watch some porn, to see if he can get it up that way...he balked...but I told him it would show if it was physical or mental.
God- I have been the one giving HIM support through all of this bullshit. He is completely remorseful- I do see that, but doesn't that include being 100% truthful???
Sorry for the extremely LONG rant
Does he meet you with kindness, and understanding when you want to talk about it, or does he get defensive, and angry, or try to change the subject? Real remorse doesn't get angry or rugsweep. Real remorse doesn't lie. I would make him present you with documentation that he had testing, this includes HPV. Many GP's don't do the swab on men, because it's uncomfortable for them. Too damn bad I say, but I digress. Demand that he show you that he is clean, or that he wear a condom, or the shop is closed.
You say you love this man, this man that is lying to you, has gone outside the relationship for a BJ? At the minimum? Or are you in love with what you believed him to be?
Please read the healing library. If he is balking about transparency, if you have any inkling that he is being dishonest you should consider implementing the 180. This is to protect you from further hurt.
He isn't going to tell you what really happened until there are some real consequences for his actions. That's up to you. You can't control his behavior, however you can make it uncomfortable for him to keep lying. Here's the couch until you come clean. No cooking for him, no laundry for him, no nookie for him (when he is able to function).
Hang in there, you will make it through this, and we will support you.
I am sorry you have found yourself here. A place no one ever thought they'd be.
There is a lot you probably still have to discover I am sorry to say.
(((gently))) Leases can be broken. No reason to stay in a relationship if he is cheating on you and lying. Also, if he is out of work, how is he contributing?
With regards to being unable to perform, IMO, it most likely has to do with guilt.
It is common for the BS to try an "fix" the situation the WS created. Unfortunately it is simply not that easy.
Your BF needs to understand WHY he chose to engage in this trashy nonsense and what is he going to do to ensure he doesn't do it again?
The internet, text, etc make it so accessible to go down the slimy path.
Be true to yourself and define your boundaries. Look up the 180.
Take his lack of performance as a blessing at this point. It gives you time to understand what it is you want and if you feel he is truly being honest.
Good luck. You are strong.