Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.
I chose to R to uphold my wedding vows. I considered our marriage reconciled at 18 months out. We are now over 6 years out and happily reconciled. I have no regrets about choosing to R and there was no false R.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:39 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
Conditions for R were transparency, passwords & access, IC for both of us, reading about infidelity and reconciliation, MC, improved communication & intimacy, and no more infidelity.
I will not waste my time with a WS who doesn't show remorse and a willingness to change.
We are in R.
Why? Because I am finally getting the marriage I have been begging him for all along and now he wants it too. Also bc his level of remorse is very high, as is his determination to make this work.
How? Tons of reading. MC. And we talk ALL the time. Every single night. We also subscribe to the policy of joint agreement (from marriage builders, but basically it just says that you make ALL decisions together and with enthusiastic agreement)and that helps us feel "together".
how are we....by building a brand new marriage from the ground up. both my WH and i (thru much IC/MC) have seen the cracks and flaws in our old marriage. Our intention behind R is not to get back what we had, but to build something new, based on respect, trust and open honest communication. We read books, attend MC regularly, read stuff on the net. We have worked hard to recognize and correct unhealthy habits/behaviors and replace them with new, positive ones.
Why...because we have been married for over 20 years. And while this is most certainly the most painful thing i have experienced, i feel like i owe it to myself and my family to at least try. It took me over 7 months to fully commit to R, and i do not do so lightly. But i have seen the way my WH has grown and changed in that time. I see how hard he has been trying. I see the work he has done on himself. OTHER people have seen the changes in him. I know this wont be fixed over night, and i know i have a long road ahead of me...but we have a history.
hugs to you. This is a long and difficult journey. sending strength and support your way.
How? OK, depends on the day. Mostly the problem is me. PTSD issues combined with fear of abandonment were triggered by the infidelity.
False R? Yes. 2 1/2 years. He substituted the EA for porn. He is off porn for good now (he and I hope) and he is more emotionally available than ever before. maybe TMI...No more porn or mas**rb**ion has helped our sex life too...he has more self control to last longer.
Why? He really gets it. We have children still at home, whom I homeschool. I might have to quit homeschooling if we D, due to finances. He comes from a D family. First H (we had no children) came from a D family. I don't want to raise my children in a D family. I believe 1st H and current WH were both damaged by their parents' D's. Last...WH and I L each other.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 2:23 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
We are attending MC twice a month, I go to IC once a month, we have one date night out and two date nights in every month. It has been a lot of work on both our parts, I know things haven't always gone as smoothly as I had hoped but at least we're giving it a go.
Why? A few reasons... We have two kids together, I love him, I missed him while we separated and mostly because I feel like we can get through this.
No false R yet but we have had our share of setbacks. They mostly are related to WH's lack of responsibility and the boundaries we set out as opposed to contact with OW. Neither of us are perfect and I'm trying to accept that progress is progress as opposed to getting frustrated over where we are at this moment.
All the best!!
Yes we had a false R - I guess you could call it that, or that intially I was all in on R, and he was trying to figure out if that's what he really wanted, or whatever. He broke NC multiple times in the first few months. It took me taking my rings off, and showing him the door for him to defog completely, and end all contact with her.
How are we now? 5 years out, healed, and happier than ever. It took a good 2 years of hard work to get to that point, but it was worth it. We are in a better place now.
Two big conditions are Honesty and no more PORN. EVER. I'm not sure he can do the last one and age be damned I will leave. The other is emotional availability. He doesn't like to hug or kiss much and I'm not sure I want to live with that now. THe other thing is he has to do womwork the IC is giving us. Currently he wont read anything. Nada.
But he is being really nice and trying to change. He is an unemotional man and hard for him to show his feelings, and I am hoping he will change.
He has just started IC and we insurance wont cover MC so none of that. But I hope with IC he will understand the why. He still has a tendency to blame me. He has a lot of issues to deal with.
With all that said, you can tell I am still mad. I think we can recover as long as he does the work.
How are you R? For the most part ok – but we have special circumstances – he was diagnosed recently with a life-threatening illness
Why are you R? A few reasons, age – length of marriage, family – and he’s fighting for his life now
Have you experienced false R? Oh please….don’t even get me started on that one!
Conditions: NC - He wrote and I helped edit the email to her the night I found out.
How? MC, lots of reading/conversation, and spending time together. Reorganizing priorities and dynamics in the family. Learning to meet each other's needs better (after 25 years!)
Why? I always believed, and still do, that we have a fundamentally solid marriage. We genuinely like and love each other, we just fell short in a couple very important spots. As long as fWH continues to pull his load, I am excited about where we are headed.
False R? Knock on wood, no.
The why we R is because we love each other. We had been very happily married for a long, long time before his MLC or whatever it was. Hard to throw away something so good over a "phase" or personal crisis or whatever.
Yes, there was false R for several weeks. He could not admit to everything and I tried to believe that it was an EA only and done with. Neither were true. Once I found enough proof there was more he was able to face what he had done and finally end it and come clean about the details. NC was a bit sketchy (OW kept fishing) until he was able to finally leave the job. He loved me but the fog lingered for a while there and it took a while for him to completely get his senses back.
We've been in R for a long time now. We still love each other and things are pretty much back to normal. My problem is I feel I am owed better than what was normal, so I still feel disappointed and hurt. I'm still glad I stayed though. He is a good man and I love him.
I wanted to have a better marriage to MY HUSBAND and he wanted the same thing. I look on marriage as for better or worse. This is the worse part and we have been honestly and diligently working towards a new M.
Everything happens to you for a reason. I was one of the lucky ones....my husband got what he did was wrong, disgusting and horrible from minute one....he has been destroyed by this A as much as I have. Together we are helping each other through the hell. Together we will make a better R.
I did not,nor do I ever want "step" to be part of my name.
If your hubby is showing complete remorse over this, feels like a total shit and consistantly tries to improve life for you I suggest going for it. At some point in time even the BS has to make a leap of faith and go for it or I feel you will live in that hell we all are in for a very long time.
[This message edited by TxsT at 11:08 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
My H owned his behavior from the night I found out to where we are today, 8 months in. We have had to tweak some things here and there but we are both still in IC.
There cannot be R without remorse and he is certainly remorseful.
I tried to throw in the towel a few times early on so scared and angry as I was but he would stop at nothing. At some point, I took a deep breath and decided that I could not be stuck in that horrible moment that night I found out.
I am determined to learn something from this and I certainly have. We have used the A as an opportunity to improve our marriage and to grow as individuals. But it takes time and again, it CANNOT be done with a spouse who is NOT remorseful. But that's okay bc I am not going anywhere and neither is he.
Best to you.
[This message edited by LA44 at 11:16 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
* Dday was 8 years ago this week = we're still M.
* For her to change jobs = didn't happen,
* Full disclosure = didn't get it,
* To tell me his name = took 6 months,
* NC = how can i really know for sure,
* IC = she went twice,
* MC = she went twice,
* To read the books that I gave her = not even a chapter,
* To change jobs = nope,
* Dday was 8 years ago this week = we're still M.
My conditions for R: NC, empathy, remorse & full disclosure.
No false R here.
a true attempt at r for the last 9 months...he is doing "all he can do to help me heal" but it is a rollercoaster.
i took him back because i know that deep down inside he is a good person, loves me and our baby...and is remorseful...and is doing the hard work to heal himself, me, and our m.
yes, i have experienced false r....i didnt have a solid list of r requirements in the beginning, and i sure as heck wasnt strong enough to enforce them. guess i should have known when he wouldnt give me access to his phone records that something was off. lesson learned. 9 months later, i learned he was still cheating but with a different ow. put my bitchboots on...and was non negotiable on my r requirements.
we are taking this whole thing one day at a time.
my best to you.....be strong.