Right now, I'm losing everything that I ever valued.
The trust and faith that I invested in and earned for over a decade is burned to ash.
We had been talking and working very hard these past weeks. My BW had found and pointed me to this site and we have both been reading it and selections from the healing library. She bought me a copy of 'Not Just Friends' and we have had some powerful discussions. I feel like a caricature of the emotional affair examples. We have had lots of painful conversations and were working hard to move forward. She has access to all of my accounts. My affair partner and her husband are now out of our lives, although I messed up the no contact conversation by being out of control emotionally and ignorance of how to do it right.
I am desolate over having
betrayed my wife and all of the hurt that I have caused.
I want to take it all back and make it go away, but that isn't how the universe works.
Somehow, I am not the man that I thought I was. I thought that I was faithful. I thought that I was honorable and self aware and beyond lying to myself or the person that I love. I have worked my entire adult life to live and forge a strong ethical path.
It's all a sham. In the end, it was all a big failure.
She didn't have this coming. It's all my fault and utterly unfair to her.
After tonight's fight I don't know if there is anything left that she wants to work for.
I need to shut up now. This note is degenerating and I need to get some sleep so that I can keep my job. Yeah, that sounds like compartmentalization, but if grief and failure get me fired, it's just another way in which I'll be screwing her over.
Maybe there can be a more functional post tomorrow.
I am a former OW and I tell you, I certainly am not the woman I thought I was.
But I am slowly becoming the woman I want to be!
Her emotions are going to be all over the place and you need to be patient and let her feel what she needs to feel. And this is going to be even harder on her if this person was also her friend.
[This message edited by Lilypad at 12:13 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:36 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
Thank you for your kindness.
You and your BW are in alot of pain and this is where the roller coaster ride of the decade begins, I urge you please hang on and start work on yourself and your BW. Any IC on the menu, you need to go see councilors soon if not already beeing done. This is where you need to discover things very deep within yourself and to work on any issues that made you cross the line. Keep posting and the good people on SI will help.
Fourteen months on and I feel like a new person, with new wisdom and more integrity which Im still working on and being able to find myself and discover the pain and learn to love me as I am. I still have alot of work to do though.
Stay strong and develope your inner abilitys to continue.
In addition to Not Just Friends, I would highly recommend:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
Amazon has it:
You're right, loosing your job wouldn't help your situation.
It is difficult to stay off the "self pity pot"in the beginning. But you've got to put your big boy pants on, suck it up and move forward.
Complete transparency, IMO, is a must. It's not a consequence though, it's how we should have lived all along.
Complete rigorous honesty with your wife, IMO, is a must. Again, It's not a consequence though, it's how we should have lived all along.
Investing in a marital recovery program, IMO is a must too. We successfully used The Marriage Builders Program to recover from my infidelity. There are other programs, but I can't speak to them, I only know what worked for us.
We all burned our loyalty, fidelity, trust, etc., etc., etc. to ash.
The question is what are you going to do to move forward? What is your plan going to be? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to recover and restore your marriage?
Everybody that shows up on the forum wants the pain to stop, but only a handful that are here actually took the time to forge a plan with our spouse and then worked that plan rigorously to success.
When I asked for help, I already knew that hope was not a plan. I needed something concrete, which is why my wife and I chose, The Marriage Builders Program.
You can either run on guilt and the emotions that are generated from it and possibly have a recovery that limps along for years or do the homework necessary to find a marital recovery Program that you and your wife are willing to work together and build a love that will carry you above this for a lifetime.
Check out the Healing Library for resources, OK.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
Thanks for the commentary.
Card, you're right. It is the time to put on the 'big boy pants'. You're also right about having a plan to follow. Wishing and remorse won't get it done. Part of this is going to be understanding and owning the what and how and why of my failures and that is going to come with some wailing and gnashing of teeth.
I'm working on it. This is going to be a process. I'm actively going after resources, so my thanks for the suggestions.