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Newest Member: Saad (61538)

User Topic: Sex After D-Day
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 10 days out from D-Day and I'm wondering if I'll every be able to have sex with my WH again. He is very remorseful and willing for IC, MC, etc and we both want R. But I just can't imagine having sex with him right now. One of the reasons he said he strayed was a lack of sex in our marriage (we had a 3 month dry spell. Poor baby ) It's not just that I want to punish him (I have to be honest that a part of me does), but I'm really reluctant to open up to him in that way. Any advice from the experts who have been there done that?

One day
I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day,
you're gonna drown in my lost pain. - "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Posts: 3391 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 10 days out I never thought I'd be able to either. In fact, I asked fWH if he would still want to stay together if we had a sexless marriage. I couldn't see how I would ever do that again.

But we did. We started at about 3.5 weeks, but it's different for everyone. The first few times were not very fun. Lots of crying from me. But pretty quickly it was a bonding sort of thing.

And now, to tell you the truth, it's great. He's much sweeter and more emotional about it than he was pre-DDay. But it took a while to get there and it's only been in probably the last month that I can enjoy it without reservation (most of the time).

In any case, don't rush yourself. This will be an issue for obvious reasons and your WH will need to be patient.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 39792
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about other BS or what experts would say exactly; however, I did read that "just compensation" is the punishment - not withholding sex. JC is your WS must end all contact with the AP for the rest of his life. It may require moving to another state and changing jobs.

It is perfectly fine in this situation to not have sex with him though. He could have an STD. You're going through a traumatic experience and thoughts / images will be there. Ten days is very early.

BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
♀ 39068
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

d-day was the end of October and I think it was about march / april before we really resumed sexual activity, even now its erratic, we'll be doing really well and ill have a bad spell and we'll have a few days or weeks where I just cannot face it. I find that I have to feel very in control, don't feel in control then I freak out and shut the whole thing down and there are some things I just can't do yet as they make me feel like one of his prostitutes.

D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012
D-day 3 September 10th 2015

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is pretty common. You need to feel safe to open yourself up to him again.
He needs to go get STD tested, as do you so that you can at least feel safe with the physical act.
Then when it's time to, when you feel ready, make it all about you. You are the center of attention, and if he can't do that, or be willing to try it, then he doesn't get the full amoun of damage he has caused.

I spent the first few months after Dday focusing more on the physical aspect of it. Not the emotional. This was actually a growing experience for me, and allowed me to reach some new levels of having quality orgasms.

When you start to feel safer, and more trusting, and real healing starts, then you will be able to have the emotional part. But it's totally up to you, and you should not fee pressured if you aren't ready.

((((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13295 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 5

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