I think this is pretty common. You need to feel safe to open yourself up to him again.
He needs to go get STD tested, as do you so that you can at least feel safe with the physical act.
Then when it's time to, when you feel ready, make it all about you. You are the center of attention, and if he can't do that, or be willing to try it, then he doesn't get the full amoun of damage he has caused.
I spent the first few months after Dday focusing more on the physical aspect of it. Not the emotional. This was actually a growing experience for me, and allowed me to reach some new levels of having quality orgasms.
When you start to feel safer, and more trusting, and real healing starts, then you will be able to have the emotional part. But it's totally up to you, and you should not fee pressured if you aren't ready.