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Was your WS a "poofer"?

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PhantomLimb posted 8/4/2013 23:23 PM

My WS has simply disappeared since DDay#2 when he told me he had decided he couldn't do R "right now." I asked him for NC for a couple of months so I could reestablish myself and get past an upcoming professional obligation without the stress of more TT, fights, etc. I told him he could talk to me in early July. July has come and gone with no contact.

In fact, he even took himself off of our phone plan with no warning or follow up. Our lease was up in July and I know he desperately wanted to move-- but I've heard nothing from him about a follow up address or the like. I even know through the grapevine that he moved his office into a new building. Nothing.

He has a job that is quite heavy from June-August (they spend the entire year prepping for those months) which is the only reason I haven't broken NC to ask him what the hell is going on with him. A few more weeks won't matter at this point.

However, I don't think this is a case of a "normal" S. The reason I don't is because, before I met him, he was engaged to a woman whom he decided to leave shortly before the wedding. He broke up with her, called off the wedding and moved to a new state. That's where he met me a few weeks later. Having been there shortly after their breakup and for over a decade after, I can tell you with confidence that he NEVER SPOKE TO HER AGAIN, save at a college reunion about 8 years later (small talk). He just walked away.

The reasons he gave me for this were that they were young, it was a mistake and, now that he didn't live there anymore, he didn't see why he should continue talking to her, prolong the pain, open up old wounds. It seemed plausible.

I think this abandonment thing he did can now be called a pattern because I think it is what is happening to me. I'm shocked by it because it is just so completely immature, cowardly, odd. I'm not some college girlfriend you dated for a couple of years and thought you were supposed to marry. I mean, come on.

Does anyone else have a "poofer"? A WW who just took off, never to be heard from again (unless under duress)?

How did you come to understand their actions?

m334455 posted 8/4/2013 23:46 PM

I think this is a blessing. It's certainly kinder than the false R was. Who knows why he operates like that? It could be any number of things. I found, over time (and my WH and I did R) that I stopped caring about "why," not just with WH and his affair, but pretty much about everything with everyone. I'm more interested in people's acutal behavior now than what might potentially be motivating it. If you're my kid -- then sure, that's a different story, but in general I assign everyone to a "behaves appropriately" or "does not behave appropriately" category and then filter out of my life as much of the latter as is possible.

I would be hurting very much right now in your shoes. However little it helps now, it's sort of like ripping off a band-aid. It hurts a TON right now, but you'll be through this process (I never say "over it" because that's not quite how it works) faster than many others.

Hang in there. I'm sure the silence is a very weird feeling.

movingforward13 posted 8/5/2013 11:56 AM

You don't understand their actions. You can't understand that which is not normal, except well understanding that it isn't normal. Stop thinking about him and what he did/didn't do and think about YOU. What are you going to do? How are you going to move forward? What changes in your life are you going to make? Redirect your focus back on to yourself. That really is the only way you heal from this. Day by day, step by step.

It is a shitty thing he did to you but days have turned into weeks which have turned into months now. FUCK THAT GUY. No more energy to waste on him. *hugs*

Amazonia posted 8/5/2013 12:02 PM

Mine. But I've already told you about him down in D/S.

He just walked out (3 days before I found out about the A) and stopped responding to any attempts for contact. The only communication we had was 1) confirming that he'd filed our taxes, 2) when I threatened to donate his stuff if he didn't let me know his move out plan, and 3) when he sent me the divorce paperwork (which I had emailed him to sign) via a mutual friend.

Anything emotional was just ignored.

It was hard at first, because I felt like I was missing some kind of closure, but in the long term, it's the best gift he could have given me. There was no questioning or false R or wasting time on something that wouldn't have worked out. I was not just able, but forced, to focus on myself and move forward. The healing came pretty quickly once I let go of him and really dug into me.

sodamnlost posted 8/5/2013 12:04 PM

While he didn't do it to me, WH has done it in his past. It's conflict avoidance and compartmentalization at it's finest. I will never understand how my WH abandoned the people he has abandoned nor will I ever feel positive it won't happen to me one day. It hurts, I can't even imagine but know it's NOT about you.

TrustGone posted 8/5/2013 13:29 PM

My XWH#1 was a "poofer" with his first wife and child. We left the state where my family was to move to Tx where his dad and step-mom lived. He never paid CS or really had anything to do with his son for many years and his ex-wife never filed against him for it. I would take my DD to see him when we visited my parents in the same area so they could at least know they had a brother/sister. His son came to visit us a few times after he was a teenager, but they really never had a father/son relationship. It was really sad to witness this. I am sure he felt totally abandoned by my XWH#1 as well he should have. I am glad my XWH#1 did not abandon our DS, but have to admit I wished he would have. Our DS is following in his father's foorsteps as far as being disrespectful to women and I hate to see the poor woman he winds up with.

solus sto posted 8/5/2013 14:02 PM

In a manner of speaking, yes. What he did was emotionally vacate the premises, then hang around, physically, to torment and trigger me.

Ultimately, though--yes. Once we separated, he pretty much vanished. For me, this is fine. The less I see him, the better. For our kids, it's not so good.

huRtZ413 posted 8/5/2013 14:11 PM

well as crazy is that must be at least you have your definite answer and you can set forward with a plan just for you .....

us who want to R just a leap of faith that maybe it will work this time .

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 14:36 PM

As soon as DDay#2 happened and we went NC I immediately quit my job in his office, moved to a new state, got a new job, divided/separated all of our shared accounts, bought a new car, started looking for a new place, have hardly had a meal alone and have surround myself with friends and family, started gardening and working out every day, regular facials, IC twice a week, went on a trip to Europe, bought a whole new wardrobe and donated my old things to charity. I have done every thing I can possibly think of for myself.

What's hard is when I visit my mother and I catch her crying because she misses her SIL and doesn't understand how he could abandon our family. When I take our dog to the vet and he's not there when I know how much he LOVED this dog. When our friend's birthdays have gone by, or there's a baby shower for the child he was supposed to be the godfather for... And my friends tell me they are crushed that he hasn't reached out to them at all.

They ask me if I've talked to him. Maybe he's reached out to me and explained how this all could have happened. How he could just walk out of our lives like this. I have to tell them no. In fact, I don't even know how to get in touch with him.

So I continue to focus on me. Life is lonely, but I'm going to be okay. But this isn't just about me.

But I don't think he even has the vaguest idea what damage this has done.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:47 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Sparkles posted 8/5/2013 14:46 PM

My stbxh just disappeared. I only found out where he was living because my attorney needed an address.

It does give you quite a bit of time to reflect on things. I'm glad we haven't had all the usual ensuing drama. The downside is your mind can really screw with you when you allow yourself to think about what they are actually doing. Then I remind myself that I don't have to care anymore. Asshole.

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 15:53 PM

One of my good friends took a job as his secretary right before DDay and had to go because she had quit her old job already. She emailed me the other day and she's decided to quit and come "home" (back to the state where I am now). I've refused to put her in the middle, so I haven't asked her for any dirt.

But, if my cyber snooping is correct, OW doesn't work there anymore. That's interesting. My imagination goes a little wild with that one.

As more time goes on and I get more perspective, I really don't think any of our problems before DDay could have truly signaled an A. I don't think I was abused. I don't think I was pretending to be happier than I was. I think I had a pretty realistic view of things. I really think he had a solid relationship and I DEFINITELY deserved better than this (which he admits).

This might end up going down as just the weirdest thing ever.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/5/2013 19:09 PM

My XWH moved out within 30 minutes of confrontation. we were married 18 years, together for 22. He eventually moved out of state and would have immediately but he had a business here that he couldn't leave entirely at that time.

He stopped talking to me within a couple weeks (i was yelling at him most of the time anyway, no answers) all family and most friends. He only kept in touch with his father, who died three years later. He married OW...before we were divorced when he ran away to mexico for a month and again legally 2 years later by a judge on a Thursday. He just disappeared from his entire life. The Divorce was handled through the mail. I am still very close to his extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins. They have no contact with him at all.

Not "normal", I'd say. Understand it? Never completely. One bad choice after another until there was no turning back and facing the people that you hurt. Extreme shame.

Since no one is touch with him I don't really know what he does now. Only through phone calls and mail that come to the house with people looking for him. His father's estate made him an instant millionaire. He still doesn't pay his bills and breaks the law regularly. He runs from that too. Perhaps he thinks if he ignores it all, it will go away.

Early on when we were still talking (yelling) he was telling me that he was unhappy. Not necessarily with me, he actually was telling me what a great wife I was , but a general unhappiness with his life. I could see that he was trying to grasp at some material things just before the A, new fancy car, wanted a bigger house, etc..., but I told him that he needs to realize that none of those things were where to find happiness and that essentially, he was running from himself.

Sorry so long, your post struck a chord.

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 19:32 PM

Heh... never apologize for long with me. Have you seen some of my responses and posts?

Your story helps me a little. I always thought it was weird that WS "poofed" on his former fiancé... but he was so young. And we were together for so long. I just didn't think he would do it to me, too. I mean, just the irony alone I would think would be too much for his pride to take.

But, yeah, it probably is easier for both of us in the long run if we just completely break... although I still hold that it is sort of a tacit form of abuse. I'm not convinced that either of us can heal fully from this without ever doing an autopsy on what happened. But I guess not many of us get that chance anyway.

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 19:43 PM

Oh Yes, Nearly ExH is a Poofer King or tribal leader.

He finally told me during false R that he couldn't face me or stand hearing the pain in my voice that he caused...(and knew he would but did anyway).

I call him the King because when he did this, he was not employed and left us stranded...I am SAHM right now and each and every bill we had was late, including the house. I did not know this and he did and he did not share this information, simply went into hiding while I had to open all the unpaid bills, one after the other.

I and family thought he had known this was happening and may have been partly why he did it.

Then, there was the night he dropped DD off in the pouring rain in the road and the entire neighborhood heard her screams. He did not contact me to say she was there, I had to go out and find her.

I got her recovered with hot cocoa and a cartoon and an hour later saw his vehicle talking to a neighbor, so I went out.

What did he do? Drive past me as if I wasn't there.

I have never felt like so much sh in my entire life, even with childhood traumas, deaths in family and other crap that life has put on my plate. I will go to my grave with these images in my mind and can even remember what he was wearing that night.

It is conflict avoidance at its finest and some of the most shabby ways a person can treat others...our child got wrapped up in his warped mind and the degree of selfishness it takes to Poof shocks me.

The Poofer is, in my mind, the Ultimate Coward.

Does anyone think that if a Poofer Poofs once, they will be likely to do it again?

I do like that term, thank you for the snicker. I'm tempted to get a tshirt made for him as a "gift"

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 19:45 PM

P.S. The way he "Poofed" out of here was for us to wake up one morning and discover him gone. Middle of the night sneak out, on his own child, too.

justdoit posted 8/5/2013 20:07 PM

My father was a poofer. He was never reliable but the night he left us he asked me, who was 5 at the time if I wanted to go with him or stay with Mom. I said Mom, my younger sister said me. My mother never knew of that conversation till I was in my 20's. I wish I could say she was shocked. Never saw the guy again. To me "father" and "coward" are the same. But we survived, were probably better off than we would have been with him, and you too will survive and be the best you've ever been!

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 20:07 PM

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry, Ashland.

My sitch is nowhere near that (we didn't have kids), but I did lose my job because of this (OW worked where I was suppose to start in May and I thought I'd rather struggle financially than walk into that mess). He let me pass up two other offers in order to come work out there. I don't know how he lives with himself... it would have been so much better if he had just told me when I could have still saved myself financially. He had taken loans out from my family that we'll probably never see now and I lost a ton of money in moving costs, etc. My poor parents came out of partial retirement to take extra shifts to help me pay my bills until my new job starts in a few weeks. I still can't afford my own place and I'm trying to renegotiate my salary already so I don't have to live with family.

He is also leaving me without health insurance when he knows that I have a chronic autoimmune issue.

He had the nerve to cite my desire to pay off my outstanding debt "first" as a reason we were "fiscally incompatible" and needed to break up. My debt totals maybe 5k. His is in the six figures. I thought it was practical for me to pay off my last credit card over the summer and then get to the business of paying off his student loans with my second job. That wasn't good enough for him and he told me I was selfish for thinking of my own bills first.

*They* are so selfish that I don't know how to process it sometimes.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:11 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/5/2013 20:14 PM

Married that long and not having kids is being in the minority and I think if kids weren't involved it would happen more often. Cowards yes. Truest sense of the word.

I posted the abbreviated version as D-day was 5 years ago (almost to the day) and divorced for 4 this stuff is not fresh in my mind. I just don't pollute my mind with trying to make sense out of non sense - what was he thinking?!(he wasn't and still isnt!) And more importantly, it has nothing to do with me!
I did do my share of dissecting it like a frog in middle school science class, but none of the parts made any sense and as I got myself together it didnt matter any more. It was a dead frog and there wasnt anything i could do to revive it.That's all I needed.

In my sitch, he didn't have a history. Which made it more bizarre. The worst he did was avoid taking the garbage out or cut the grass!

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 20:35 PM

I dodged a bullet when it comes to kids in the sense that I didn't have them with him (although I'm old enough to question whether that will happen for me now).

We were grad students and simply too poor and busy to have them. Also, with his looooooong family history of severe mental illness, I knew on the second date that if I ended up with this guy, it wasn't fair to our potential child to take the risk they would have bipolar or the like.

About two weeks before DDay I had started looking into adoption. I even found a little girl that I really, really loved who was in foster care and showed him her file. I think of that kid occasionally in all of this. I thought we would have been able to give her such a loving and stable home. Jesus was I wrong. And now I don't have the means to do it on my own.

stungbytravel posted 8/6/2013 00:04 AM

Mine appears to be a poofer. He finished his move on a Tuesday he told me he had to work and would be untraceable all day. I called him up and yelled at him. He sent a text asking me to understand that he did it this way to cause less pain.

I have heard very little from him since. It's actually the hardest thing for me to deal with. I would have rather had verbal honestly. The last text I received that was emotional said he was trying to get us back together, I know two days before this he took ow on a date and dressed up for it.

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