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Best book to read?

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lostsoul214 posted 8/5/2013 01:29 AM

I have seen a couple of books here that have been suggested. Shag would be the best for me to read.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/5/2013 01:42 AM

"Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass.

It was enlightening. I remember feeling like the author was writing my story, I could relate. It helped me navigate through the mess my WH brought into my life during those early days of discovery. It gave me a better understanding of what just happened to my world.

Alex CR posted 8/5/2013 03:46 AM

Not Just Friends was one of the best for us. Also, 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair' was a good one for my H although I read it too.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman was really helpful.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 06:45 AM

Alex CR has the complete list. I have read many, many books...those are my favorite 3.

Surviving an Affair is a good one with many real examples that I totally related to.


How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring is proving to be helpful and insightful into the different types of forgiving plus talks a lot about acceptance...which is different but still healthy. I am only 60 pages into it...but would put this as number 5 on my must read list.

These 5 books have probably helped me more then the 1 year of MC...but I am in MC while I read these that may have been a big factor on how I received the info in the books.

Oh...and Love is Tough by James Dobson was pretty helpful early on.

Since you appear to be early on in this journey I will share one tidbit of wisdom I have gained through painful experience. Early on my WW was so disconnected from me, so involved in activity related to the affair that we were virtual strangers..our marriage as I knew it died. I did not realize when I would read something in a book that made sense out of some small part of this nightmare I would do as I did pre-A....I would share this thought with her. It fell on deaf ears and added to the it was a reminder to me, brought on BY me engaging my wife at that time, that my wife was no longer a part of a union with me.

So, as you read and piece together clues to form your view of the puzzle that is your might refrain from engaging your spouse for a bit. Each case is different, but the situation I just spoke of does not seem to be unique to me.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:45 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 06:46 AM

If you have a specific issue you are wanting to learn more about....feel free to PM me. I have read many many books on various topics that have helped with specific issues.

bionicgal posted 8/5/2013 10:26 AM

I agree with all the books listed. I also like books/lectures by Buddhist Pema Chodron.

Blakesteel - I saw you recommended "Uncoupling" on another thread, but when I read the summary of it, it kind of scared me. Do you mind explaining how you found it helpful? It seems as if it is about marriages that fail.

LA44 posted 8/5/2013 11:06 AM

The first book my H bought was, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. We both read it. This is a book for couples who want to R or who are even THINKING about it. She has a very good grasp of both sides - the Hurt Partner and the Unfaithful Partner. I just looked at it the other day.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal is another and Affairs: Repercussions Emily Brown.

I bought the latter bc I was stuck in obsessing and read that this book as a good section on that. It also has a chapter on moving forward in peace should you decide to part. This is not our case but it is for some. I really like the tone she writes in.

5 Love Languages. Excellent!

We also found the articles in the Healing Library very helpful. My H did not think he was in a fog at the time but when he read it he could see as the months went on that he really was.

I think reading is a powerful way to help make sense of this very emotional and confusing time. It certainly brought me comfort, awareness and the chance to work on myself through exercises.

best of luck.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 21:25 PM

I don't recall recommending Uncoupling...never hear of it before...just read about it now...scary book...not for me...not yet. Not my recommendation.

Bionicgirl...if you could point me to that thread I will edit that post. Hey, I own a VW Microbus...I am all about love and peace...that book doesn't sound like it jives with my vibe!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:45 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Hrtbrken1 posted 8/5/2013 22:39 PM

Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass

FWH and I both read this book, multiple times. Also The 5 Love Languages was pretty good as well. We didn't read that until a year out, I think.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 22:43 PM

LA44...thanks for the Repercussion book recommendation...I am struggling with obsessive I ordered this book based on your tip. I trust your opinions.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/5/2013 22:49 PM

Best book hands down is: Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I don't recall recommending Uncoupling

Uncoupling is an excellent book, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it as an infidelity book or for someone early in R. I read this book when I was further along in R and wanted to understand what made relationships go from wedding vows to divorce court. The book provided tremendous insight as to what can go wrong in various stages of the marriage. I learned a lot from this book, but one of the most important things I learned was that marital problems usually begin with "a secret". In other words, one of the spouses becomes discontent and instead of working out the issue with their spouse, they begin to tell other people about their discontent. One of the keys to a successful marriage is to have a "no secrets" policy with your spouse (that does not include fun stuff, such as gifts, surprise parties, etc).

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 6:21 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

SmallButStrong posted 8/5/2013 23:00 PM

Torn Asunder was by far the best book (and I read a LOT) in my opinion. There is also a companion workbook that you are supposed to do as a couple. It's tough on the WS, but also addresses all the reasons why the affair happened.

I'm trying to get my H to do the workbook with me and it's like pulling teeth. There just is never a good time for it. When we're good, he doesn't want the affair brought up to make things go south. When it's bad, we're not in the frame of mind. That's the only hard part.

I found more answers in this book/workbook series than in our MC. I must preface by saying it is written by a Christian author, but does not shove the Bible down your throat. It's a lot of common sense.

Scubachick posted 8/6/2013 01:45 AM

I Love You But I Don't Trust You -- by Mira Kirshenbaum

bionicgal posted 8/6/2013 08:23 AM

Sorry blakesteel! I thought it was you. . . I think it may have been Hardenmyheart, then. ; )

Love all. The book rec's!

bionicgal posted 8/6/2013 08:23 AM

Sorry blakesteel! I thought it was you. . . I think it may have been Hardenmyheart, then. ; )

Love all the book rec's!

blakesteele posted 8/6/2013 08:48 AM

Cool bionicgal...apology accepted...both times!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:48 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

lostsoul214 posted 8/6/2013 10:14 AM

Me and the WW are in no contact. She still seeing OM. Would it push her away more if a ask her to read one of these. I'm still in a very bad place and can't find a way to heal.

[This message edited by lostsoul214 at 3:02 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

TxsT posted 8/6/2013 10:47 AM


My most favorite book was "After the Affair, healing the pain and rebuilding trust after a partner has been unfaithful".

Your last question is interesting. If your WW is still seeing the other man I personally would carefully consider my options. I have always said to my RWS that it would have been far kinder to have told me at the outset of the A and left. I would have then been able to focus completely on my own recovery and not had to suffer the lies and deceit that came along with the 4 year span of the A.


3Xthefool posted 8/6/2013 11:04 AM

This is a very helpful post for anyone starting out on the road to recovery:

I agree with many of the suggestions:

After the Affair (recommended by my MC)
How to Help Your Spouse Heal (is a recent purchase which I have read but my WW has been procrastinating on)

I'll add the following to the list:
Daily Marriage Builders for Couples (this is good for anyone who comes from a Christian religious background)

Others which I have seen include:
Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay
First Aid for the Betrayed

And finally, for anyone trying to reason out the "why" of the betrayal I highly recommend "Everything Happens for a Reason" by Mira Kirshenbaum. This is a spiritual book written in a very simplistic language but has many good points that may help some people come to terms with traumatic events in their lives.

blakesteele posted 8/6/2013 11:46 AM

lostsoul214...if she is with the OM she is currently choosing not to be with you. I don't think it would be helpful for you to suggest things she can do to work on the marriage. Her actions right now indicate she is not interested in working on her marriage.

I think you would just set yourself up for more hurt...I did what you are contemplating and regret it.

Your wife has to make the decision to stay in her marriage or leave all on her own. Just like you could not have loved her more, held her tighter before her decision to commit can not do anything that will make her want to come back now.

This is a dang hard truth to hear...and I don't write that lightly....but I believe it to be the truth.

Hindsight in my case...would have been less painful if my wife left our home upon discovery then to continue to lie and deceive me...that took even more energy out of our relationship then if she had just left. both actions...a WW staying or leaving...are painful...but truth is less so then lies.

Try and be as truthful to yourself as you think you can be...then be a little more. That is one way you will grow through this. You will grow through this. Let your your wifes growth take place from the only spot it can come from...herself.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:57 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

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