"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

wifeno2 posted 8/5/2013 04:19 AM

He can't contain it at times. He keeps it in check most of the time but it will occasionally spew out-especially if doing something difficult like a home project. Then he will see the effect is has on me and be sweet.

I hate that it still has an effect. But it does. It isn't the same heart wrenching pain, not the rage and anger-now it is just energy sucking. It completely drains me.

Spending time with him is exhausting. He is so unpredictable in how he responds to me. He may treat me sweetly and tell me he is feeling close to me or he may look at me like I'm the biggest idiot on the planet for asking a simple question.

I now just feel tired and slightly weepy in his presence. Which is new. We are almost three years out. I never got the things I told him were necessary for R (no timeline, still getting new info, still occasionally find contact from work he hasn't told me about, never left his position working with COW.) He feels things are good. He thinks he is a model WS.

I want off the roller coaster. I want to stop allowing him to have such an impact on my emotional state and my energy.

Anybody else experience anything similar? Did anything help?

ladies_first posted 8/5/2013 09:02 AM

He keeps it in check most of the time but it will occasionally spew out-especially if doing something difficult like a home project.

I've lived this. Each and every time we had a plumbing problem, this "Frustrated Beast" would emerge. Plumbing turned him into the Devil each.and.every.time.

Yes, it was easier -- financially and emotionally -- to just hire a professional plumber. *I* saw that. But he had some pride issue going with plumbing that was irrational!

Is that what you're talking about?

We are almost three years out.

Is this enough time for you to take an honest, objective look at the big picture?

Do you have occasional "plumbing" problems?

Or is his disdain directed only at you?

Falling out of “love”:
*Phase 1: disillusion and disappointment: Men were more likely to indicate that they withdrew, emotionally and/or physically, from their spouse.
*Phase 2: anger, hurt and resentment: shut down, dismiss, devalue, avoid, detach, retreat, “de-invest,” attack, “the angry glare,” disdain
*Phase 3: apathy and emotional indifference: devastation of “ambiguous loss” where the partners are in physical proximity but the emotional connection has been lost; dealing with long-term negative emotions, self-care, and acceptance of the partners emotional indifference [lack of strong positive emotion; low levels of love; relatively little negative emotion] turning points tended to fall into one of three categories:
1. spouses’ controlling behaviors;
2. spouses’ lack of responsibility; and
3. spouses’ lack of emotional support

Ostrich80 posted 8/5/2013 11:00 AM

@ ladiesfirst..where did the info come from about falling out of love? This has been very informative for me..thank you

ladies_first posted 8/5/2013 11:37 AM

Sorry, Ostrich, I copied it in 2009 because it "spoke to me" but failed document the source.

If memory serves, it was a scholarly article from Lexus-Nexus.

hopefullromantic posted 8/5/2013 13:04 PM

Well, I'm not sure you can count the "home projects" as that brings out the worst in everyone.

But it doesn't sound like you have much good to counteract the bad. After 3 yrs? And he still works with the OW? Maybe this rollercoaster ride needs to end.

wifeno2 posted 8/5/2013 15:46 PM

I love that falling out of love info. Haven't quite figured out where he is or where I am, but I think he's further along in the process. Well, I guess that would be obvious as he fell in love with someone else

Plans are to leave when the time is right for DS and me. And it isn't now. I want to leave feeling good about myself, my efforts. I need to find a way to get my strength back/up and not let him have any effect on me. Just easier said than done.

Ostrich80 posted 8/6/2013 01:55 AM

My big question has been..does he love me in some strange way and still do what he does. This info screams no...clarity for me thank you