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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Anyone have anything good to say?
Nicnac
♀ 40131
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we are all hurting here, but does anyone have anything good to say at all? My WH has been absolutely fantastic. I'm not saying that I forgive him after a week or that I'm over it, but he is truly remorseful. This is a very bad situation, but he has been far beyond what I ever could have expected from him. It seems that even with stories like mine there are too many people here who are quick to say it's false remorse or that he must still be contacting the AP behind my back.

Anyone have a bad story with a good outcome? Give some hope to the rest of us!


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are 'good' stories on the R forum.

Many people here are simply trying to warn the newbies that often times things are not what they seem immediately after exposure. Usually there is more to the story than they have been told. We just hate to see people get hurt over and over.

Some posters can come on too strong, so just take what you need from their posts, and leave the rest.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:19 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
struggling3
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have alot of good to say. I also felt that I was getting advice that I should not trust his remorse and I admit at times it was confusing to me. However, I have also gotten some very good advice here and the biggest help for me was seeing that some of the feelings, triggers, sadness, and many other feeling that you will go through are normal and we are all basically wired the same way. It is a deep hurt that takes much time to heal. Keep communicating with each other and don't just take the "I'm sorry" and consider it enough. Fight for your marriage...especially if he is also fighting...it can be so worth it. Good luck to you.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The R forum has lots of happy stories, and good outcomes. But in JFO, you will recieve lots of advice on how to get through those initial days. The warnings, from us veterans are usually from seeing things happening in your relationship, that happened with our own, and although may not be happy stories, or warnings of bad things, are meant to help you protect yourself.

It's great that your spouse is doing the right things, and helping you get back up on your feet. My H was all those things too initially. You can read my profile if you want to see a story with a happy ending, but it did have it's bumps along the way.

Many here give advice, and as we say here, take what fits, and forget the rest.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your previous posts, and I do think you need to be very very careful. Your H admitted to you that he has a compulsion to have sex with other women, and he very well could be a sex addict.

You have also communicated with the OW, and she now has info on you and your marriage, whereas you don't even know her true identity.

If he has not revealed who she is to you, you are not in R.

Be very careful, and get tested for STD's.

I'm so sorry.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Nicnac
♀ 40131
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point, I haven't checked out the R forum yet. I am still new and trying to understand my emotions about the A and towards my H. Would be nice if some who have successfully R would come read the newbie posts and leave some encouragement in between all those hopeless posts!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
traicionada
♀ 10310
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R works for those willing and equipped to do the work it takes to have a healthy marriage but XH was neither so mine it's a happily ever after but not of the kind you're looking for. Good luck!


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3354 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Nicnac
♀ 40131
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot had happened this weekend. When I find time I will post the entire story with updates in my profile. I think a lot of the advice I am unsure of is based on pieces, and not the whole picture.

I appreciate it none-the-less! Just having contact with someone who I feel like is listening and wants to help is comforting :)


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you find out that he has compulsions that put him in the addict category, there is a forum in I Can Relate for spouses of sex addicts. The stories there aren't always butterflies and roses either but many of us ARE successfully reconciling with our husbands, with hard work on both sides. This is a whole different thing from "regular" infidelity...
The people here are wise and compassionate but not all advice is pertinent to every case. As someone else said, take what you can use and leave the rest.
Hugs.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:44 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3870 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there is hope. Always.

Only you know if your WH is truly remorseful.

However, you truly need to process what has happened.

IMO, I don't think that is feasible in one week. If you have just found out your WH was having an affair there is a lot to wrap your head around.

Take it slow. Be optimistic but realistic.

First, you WH needs to do a deep dive (hopefully with IC) to understand why he allowed himself to cheat in the first place.

You will need to figure out how you feel about the fact that he did make a conscious choice to cheat on your and put your marriage at risk. That is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. I just don't want to see you try to fast track your healing, stuff down you feelings only to have them erupt later. My biggest advice is to truly feel everything you need to feel. Good and bad. Work through those feelings separately and together.

I was in the place shortly after Dday where my husband was remorseful and I was determined to make this work come hell or high water. I was stronger than this, I was capable.

Well hell and the high water came. The sadness and despair crippled me for almost a year. It was almost impossible for me to believe my WH could have done this to me, our marriage and our family. I still don't understand it.

Fast forward 2 years. After a lot of tears, IC, MC...we are still together. We communicate better than we have in a long time and we do honestly love one another. We both have battle scars but you can get there.

You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side and found a Road to Happy.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want.

I have been right where you are, in all that pain, with all the confusion, anger and shame, never thinking for a minute my marriage would survive...but it did and it's better than I could have ever imagined possible.

Good luck. Keep moving


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac...

I had an interesting week but in the end it was a very positive step forward for both of us. At 11 months out I find that my triggers have slowed considerably and that the pendulum swings back to the bad only once in a while. Unfortunately I took a hard turn to the bad but RWH and I were able to slowly work through it ourselves and use our new found, and improving communication to talk it out. It was a tough two days but in the end I was able to convey a lot of very important feelings to my hubby. He appreciated the gesture and was only more then happy to stick it out through the hell to get back to the good.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NB has a lot of great stories too, although they're not as interesting as the online dating rants IMO and I'm not sure they're what you're looking for.

But a lot of people (myself included) have come through these hard times, grown and learned from them, and are happy (sometimes even happier!) on the other side, whether as a couple or as an individual.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was having the exact same thought and am so glad I came across this thread. I am 6 months past Dday and it is still a rollercoaster. Our MC encourages me to look at the positive steps and not focus on the long-term outcome for the time being. I know the experienced folks on this site want to warn us of the pitfalls to watch for, but sometimes it leaves me feeling hopeless. I save the sweet and remorseful texts I receive from my WH to pull me back from the ledge when I am frustrated. I've become an exercise junkie, which helps in a number of ways -- relieves stress, makes me feel alive, is helping transform my body, helps my self-esteem, and bottom line, helps me get ready for life with him or without him. Try to focus on yourself and making yourself happy - whatever that takes. Listen to music that cheers you up. Try to eat healthy, sleep if you can, and love yourself. Find people who support you and encourage you, no matter what choices you make. Sending you (((hugs))).


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nicnac)))

I think all of us who are trying to R get to a point where we HOPE for the happy outcome, but prepare ourselves for the worst.

It is a self defense mechanism.

So when you read the advice from people remember that the unspoken assumption is that we ALL hope that everyone's relationship has a happy ending.

Most advice that probably confuses you is advice on boundaries. It is very likely that you did not have good boundaries to protect yourself prior to Dday. Members here are really going to push you to establish boundaries that are safe and healthy for YOU, WH be damned.

Some of that boundary advice can easily seem negative in attitude towards your M, but in reality it is not. it is meant to show you how to establish a NORMAL healthy M.

Keep posting and reading on the forum and Healing Library Nicnac.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1056 | Registered: Jun 2012
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still.....keep it up girl!!! The one most important thing for everyone to remember is that at some point in time, each and every one of us BS's will have to take a leap of faith be it either with our current WS or with someone new. I chose it to be with the man I have loved for over 32 years. Yours may be a different choice but that will depend on your own circumstances.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:54 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 15

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