Anyone have a bad story with a good outcome? Give some hope to the rest of us!
Many people here are simply trying to warn the newbies that often times things are not what they seem immediately after exposure. Usually there is more to the story than they have been told. We just hate to see people get hurt over and over.
Some posters can come on too strong, so just take what you need from their posts, and leave the rest.
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:19 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
It's great that your spouse is doing the right things, and helping you get back up on your feet. My H was all those things too initially. You can read my profile if you want to see a story with a happy ending, but it did have it's bumps along the way.
Many here give advice, and as we say here, take what fits, and forget the rest.
You have also communicated with the OW, and she now has info on you and your marriage, whereas you don't even know her true identity.
If he has not revealed who she is to you, you are not in R.
Be very careful, and get tested for STD's.
I'm so sorry.
I appreciate it none-the-less! Just having contact with someone who I feel like is listening and wants to help is comforting :)
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:44 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
Only you know if your WH is truly remorseful.
However, you truly need to process what has happened.
IMO, I don't think that is feasible in one week. If you have just found out your WH was having an affair there is a lot to wrap your head around.
Take it slow. Be optimistic but realistic.
First, you WH needs to do a deep dive (hopefully with IC) to understand why he allowed himself to cheat in the first place.
You will need to figure out how you feel about the fact that he did make a conscious choice to cheat on your and put your marriage at risk. That is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. I just don't want to see you try to fast track your healing, stuff down you feelings only to have them erupt later. My biggest advice is to truly feel everything you need to feel. Good and bad. Work through those feelings separately and together.
I was in the place shortly after Dday where my husband was remorseful and I was determined to make this work come hell or high water. I was stronger than this, I was capable.
Well hell and the high water came. The sadness and despair crippled me for almost a year. It was almost impossible for me to believe my WH could have done this to me, our marriage and our family. I still don't understand it.
Fast forward 2 years. After a lot of tears, IC, MC...we are still together. We communicate better than we have in a long time and we do honestly love one another. We both have battle scars but you can get there.
You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side and found a Road to Happy.
With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want.
I have been right where you are, in all that pain, with all the confusion, anger and shame, never thinking for a minute my marriage would survive...but it did and it's better than I could have ever imagined possible.
Good luck. Keep moving
I had an interesting week but in the end it was a very positive step forward for both of us. At 11 months out I find that my triggers have slowed considerably and that the pendulum swings back to the bad only once in a while. Unfortunately I took a hard turn to the bad but RWH and I were able to slowly work through it ourselves and use our new found, and improving communication to talk it out. It was a tough two days but in the end I was able to convey a lot of very important feelings to my hubby. He appreciated the gesture and was only more then happy to stick it out through the hell to get back to the good.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
But a lot of people (myself included) have come through these hard times, grown and learned from them, and are happy (sometimes even happier!) on the other side, whether as a couple or as an individual.
I think all of us who are trying to R get to a point where we HOPE for the happy outcome, but prepare ourselves for the worst.
It is a self defense mechanism.
So when you read the advice from people remember that the unspoken assumption is that we ALL hope that everyone's relationship has a happy ending.
Most advice that probably confuses you is advice on boundaries. It is very likely that you did not have good boundaries to protect yourself prior to Dday. Members here are really going to push you to establish boundaries that are safe and healthy for YOU, WH be damned.
Some of that boundary advice can easily seem negative in attitude towards your M, but in reality it is not. it is meant to show you how to establish a NORMAL healthy M.
Keep posting and reading on the forum and Healing Library Nicnac.
[This message edited by TxsT at 10:54 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]