I feel like I'm white-knuckling my way through life. I was doing ok. It's day 5 of NC and that's getting harder also.
I think what triggered this is that I went to a wedding on Saturday. In some ways it was a real eye-opener to me. Listening to the way men in our group were talking to their girlfriends. It was clear that these are 'normal' people and only proved further how not normal my ex is. Then we come to the couple who got married. I cannot ever imagine my ex being a groom at a wedding, not to me or to anyone really. I can't fathom that he would ever have the feelings for someone that are 'required' to get married and even if he though he loved them, it just still doesn't feel right. I can imagine him standing there, or making the speeches like a normal person, without have an ulterior motive for getting married, maybe because noone better came along, maybe because time started running out or he thought it was the right thing to do. It would not be pure. He could not stand there at his own wedding without odd thoughts running through his head. Without his deviant sexual stuff lurking just beneath the surface, the lying and the cheating.
I looked at them and though that as tome point, I want that. I want to get married to someone who wants only me. Someone who has feelings for me that are pure, who will not cheat or lie to me or put other women before me. I realise that I would never get that from him but it is still so hard at the moment.
I wish others no ill will,I am happy for others who are happy but I just hate my life as it is now. Instead of being happy things just seem impossible. I had to return home to my mother being violently sick from her radiotherapy treatment and I just feel sad. This is not how I pictured my life. Just venting