"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I keep searching for things that would help take away some of the pain from this betrayal, abandonment. These are some of the things I wish were true, but h says not.
I wish he could tell me that he came back to me because he realized that he really did love me but just failed to recognize or appreciate it.
No, he says he was a wreck, didn't know what he was feeling. Came back for the wrong reasons.
I wish that he could tell me that he has always loved me, that he sees now that I was/am the love of his life.
No, he says I never was. I am now for the last couple of weeks.
I struggle so much with the memories of watching him fall in love. I didn't know what I was seeing at the time but now I do.
I struggle with hearing him say he just didn't care.
I struggle with the fact that he left me for someone he had only texted with.
I struggle with the fact that I could be replaced (in his mind) for so very little. That I was of such little value to him that a shallow, brief, texting relationship could be worth the pain I am in.
Then, I think it would be worse if it had been a deeper relationship.
Sometimes it feels as if there is now way around this. It just hurts no matter how you look at it.
Especially knowing what I wished for while he was moving on and all the years before.
I just wanted him to love me. I think we had one of those situations where I was invested and he was not. That is why he could make these choices. I gave and he took.
I think I am struggling with wanting to change the past. No matter how I look at it or try to get reassurance about it, it isn't going to work.
What happened, happened. He felt as he did and nothing I wish for is going to change it.
If we are going to move forward, I have to stop looking for comfort for the past. There is none to be had.
I have to focus on what he is doing now. Work towards the marriage that I always wanted but didn't know how to achieve.
Be patient, ride out this storm of pain, accept that I will never feel good about the way I was treated, never feel good about his betrayal.
No matter how deep I look I will never have the love from him that I thought I had. It was all an illusion. It takes two to make a good marriage. I can never change the past.
I have to recognize what he is able to do now. See the changes in how he treats me now.
The past is only good for reference as to how to change for the future.
This is truly hell.
Facing the truth hurts like I could never have imagined.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie