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He's choosing the highway?!

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krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 11:03 AM

My H and I talked again yesterday. I am able to hold my tongue less and less these days. I'm tired of the rug-sweeping and the cake-eating, so whenever we get a moment alone (hard with a toddler) I try to talk to him, figure out where his thoughts are.

I told him that it is very important that we start doing whatever it is we need to do to fix this (if that is in fact what we both want) - otherwise there is going to come a point where I no longer want to. With each day that goes by of non-transparency, anger takes over a little bit of my sadness. Once only anger is left, he will have lost me for good. If that's not what he wants, I suggested he better get his shit together and start helping me heal.

Long story short, he said this: "It's always been your way or the highway! If that's how it's going to be now, I'm choosing the highway."

What. The. Fuck. That tells me everything right there, yes? It's time for me to turn around and run as fast as I can. There was also quite a bit of blame-shifting and rug-sweeping during our conversation (as if "I'm taking the highway" wasn't bad enough. We're not anywhere close to reconcilation. Part of me wants to keep at this, but I'm so mentally exhausted, I don't know how much fight I've got left in me.

I think today I will be writing the OW's BF. My H insists that they're relationship "isn't like that" anymore, but I'm not buying it. If that was the case, he could unlock his phone/ give me access to all his stuff. He's still hiding something and, while I'm not sure I give a shit anymore, I'm going to try to get to the bottom of it while I'm waiting for a frickin' attorney to return my calls.

This is mostly just a rant - I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do at this point. Anybody got any advice on what to say to the OW's BF? My mind was racing last night while I was trying to fall asleep, and I think I know what to tell him, but I'm open to suggestions.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 11:05 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

confused615 posted 8/5/2013 11:11 AM

Call her boyfriend..anything you write to him will be intercepted by OW.

Im sorry he's being an WH is the same way..I have told him exactly what he needs to do to help repair the damage he has caused..but he is stubborn..he's going to fix this "his way"(rugsweeping).

I will be 2 years out from dday1 this Saturday. In the last 6 months I have been diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. His refusal to do what I need done,and his rugsweeping,have literally caused me to lose my mind.

Learn from my story. If he won't give you even the basics..especially can not make this work. It will kill you if you try.

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 11:20 AM

2 years?! And he's still not "there"? I don't think I would last that long, but do you mind if I ask why you're still hanging in?

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/5/2013 11:28 AM

Awww Krazy, I'm sorry things aren't turning out the way you were hoping. It seems like you're the only one willing to do any heavy lifting, and this isn't your mess to clean. It's his.

Secondly, do NOT warn your husband of your upcoming contact with the OWs boyfriend. All that will do is cause him to warn her that it's coming and she'll either find a way to thwart your efforts in reaching him, OR she'll tell him a story all about that 'paranoid wife of her work buddy' and make the guy think you're crazy.

So DON'T TELL A SOUL before you do it.

Lastly, I would be as compassionate with him as possible because he, like you, is also innocent. I think the more compassionate you are, the more he'll believe you. If you come off as angry or vindictive (even though you have every right to be!), your story may be less believeable.

Good luck to you - and you're doing the right thing, you really are.

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 13:57 PM

I have a question:

I was the cheater in a previous relationship. 3 times with the same OM. Each time my BF "caught" me, we went through all the steps of R. I was remorseful - down on my knees, begging for forgiveness, wailing and drowning in tears. I offered transparency - gave him PW's to everything, even "linked" my cell phone with his account so he had access to the records of all my calls/ texts. I agreed to NC (although I did use my H's same bullshit line "We're friends, and I don't want to lose him as a friend!").

After all of this happened, I resumed my A with the OM... 3 times! I know that this was false R, but that was not my intention. When I was being remorseful, transparent, and NC, I meant it. Then I relapsed.

I guess my question is this: If it's possible to have false R even when all of the requirements are met, is it ever possible to R when only a few of them are being met?

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