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When will it pass?

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jumabl posted 8/5/2013 12:01 PM

I'm in a three year relationship and just found out about his dishonesty and betrayal. Saturday the doorbell rang, he looked through the peephole and walked away from the door. "Great, another salesman" I thought. The doorbell continued, knocking occurred. I was in a nightie so I didn't want to answer the door so I went upstairs and looked out the window to see a woman at the door. All I heard was "Does she know about me? You're a F-ing a**hole". I was in shock. He shut the door came upstairs and explained everything to me. 4 months ago we were in a rough spot. A very rough spot. He dealt with it in the worst way possible. 2 months ago he realized it was not the right thing ended it with her, and now, here we are, trying to repair our relationship. Right now my anger is focused on both of them. Who fly's 5000 miles to make someone's life miserable? (yes, she does not live in the same city). I keep going through the scene like it's a movie. It's not can't be. I'm so hurt, angry, but still in love. He's remorseful, he's doing all the right things. I have no doubt that we will make it past it but right now the pain is so unbearable. I cry randomly, but the worst is at work. I can't concentrate. I've made an appointment with my therapist to work through it and I know that time heals all wounds, but I just need someone to tell me how long this lasts. I hate it.

confused615 posted 8/5/2013 12:12 PM

Hi honey. Im sorry for the reason you're here,but glad you found us.

First..cheaters lie..and lie..and lie. Be very careful about assuming he has told you the truth. Right now, he is covering his ass and scrambling. Also,remorse takes time. true remorse takes a lot of time. He may be sorry and regretful..but remorse? Not yet.

You need to be tested for STD's...even if he says he had protected sex. If they had oral,it wasn't protected,and condoms arent 100%.

The things he needs to do in order to reconcile:

He must be completely get full access to all of his accounts and his cell..including passwords. ALL of them..this is non-negotiable.

He must honestly answer all of your questions without anger or blame or defensiveness, no matter how often you ask them. You have been traumatized..asking questions is the brain's way of processing the shock.

He must get tested for STD's...with the results sent to you.

He must write a no contact (NC) email to OW..basically," Do not ever contact me or BS again..any further contact will result in a restraining order." And you send it,so you know it was sent,unaltered.

Did any of his friends know about the affair? if so..they need to go to. They are not friends of your relationship.

Does he work with OW? if so..he needs to find another job.

He needs to go to IC to figure out why he did this. Ok..the relationship was going through a rough period. So what? ALL relationships go through rough times..but he cheated. He needs to figure out his it doesn't happen again.

He needs to be patient and understanding. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and that's with no new info(TT..trickle truth) and no broken contact..and a WS doing all they should be doing..and then some.

You need to tell him he has to tell you everything..NOW. Not matter how much pain it brings. Otherwise every time you find out anything new,it sets your healing back to day 1.

You need to take care of kind to yourself. You didn't cause this. No matter what he are responsible for your end of the problems before he cheated..just as he is..but the decision to cheat is 100% on him.

Time heals nothing. It's what you do *with* that time that helps you heal.

Hugs honey.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:14 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

jumabl posted 8/5/2013 12:21 PM

I appreciate your candidness. We are talking. He is answering every question I have the moment I ask it (even if it's in the middle of the night). His answers are not always what I want to hear. Some of those things have already happened and some are in the works.
We've had the talk about why it happened. But some of your points have not been touched on yet. I appreciate the advice and I know we are on the right track, especially reading your thoughts and others. I'm a very impatient person so knowing that it is going to take years puts everything into perspective.

confused615 posted 8/5/2013 12:50 PM

Reconciling after an affair is a takes time. if you try to rush it..or rugsweep the problem will eat at you..and he will do it again.

She lives 5000 miles away? It makes you wonder *why* she traveled that far. Is she saying she is pregnant? is she still around? Be very careful going out right now..if she traveled that far to let you know about the's hard telling what she might do. She sounds like a bunny boiler. Keep your doors locked and an eye out for her.


NeverAgain2013 posted 8/5/2013 13:27 PM

My gut is screaming to me that she's NOT living 5,000 miles away.

I think he's lying and protecting who she is in order to avoid further turmoil. If you think she lives 5,000 miles away, that makes her less threatening to you, and therefore less hassle for HIM to have to deal with in the fall-out.

Something stinks in Denmark - (where he'd love to make you think she lives).

Take care of yourself Jumabi..I think you haven't nearly heard the whole truth by a long shot.

OldCow18 posted 8/5/2013 13:28 PM

I'm 8+ weeks out from d-day and it's been a blur. There have been days that I begged for the pain to go away. I'm coming to terms with how long this process is. I will say that I've had a few decent hours here and there, some days not as bad as others. Work is next to impossible, I work from home and have to self-motivate which is impossible. My productivity in all areas of life is practically ziltch. I am functioning at a very basic level right now, doing what I have to for my kids, but work, cleaning, socializing, exercising, etc. all seems to be a major effort. The good news is that WH and I are working through this as best we can together, which means some nights we lay in bed hugging and others I'm throwing things at him But R seems more productive now than it was (knock on wood). We are both in IC (since the 1st week) and will have our first joint session on Thursday.

Just giving you one person's experience after a couple of months out. Looking back I see progress, but it is slow going.

I'm so sorry to welcome you here.

jumabl posted 8/5/2013 14:17 PM

Thank you all for your stories. As sad as it is to say this, it's nice knowing there are other people who you can go to for advice and kind words. I may have exaggerated the mileage...but I do know where she lives, because I too can use google.
I had to leave work today, just couldn't do it. But I came home crying and screaming to a man that held me.
It hasn't been long since d-day but I already know the feeling of wanting to hold him close and the next minute want to hit him senseless!
I just want to say thank you again to everyone. And yes...HUGE bunny boiler, crazy crazy. Ugh.

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