Hi honey. Im sorry for the reason you're here,but glad you found us.
First..cheaters lie..and lie..and lie. Be very careful about assuming he has told you the truth. Right now, he is covering his ass and scrambling. Also,remorse takes time. true remorse takes a lot of time. He may be sorry and regretful..but remorse? Not yet.
You need to be tested for STD's...even if he says he had protected sex. If they had oral,it wasn't protected,and condoms arent 100%.
The things he needs to do in order to reconcile:
He must be completely transparent..you get full access to all of his accounts and his cell..including passwords. ALL of them..this is non-negotiable.
He must honestly answer all of your questions without anger or blame or defensiveness, no matter how often you ask them. You have been traumatized..asking questions is the brain's way of processing the shock.
He must get tested for STD's...with the results sent to you.
He must write a no contact (NC) email to OW..basically," Do not ever contact me or BS again..any further contact will result in a restraining order." And you send it,so you know it was sent,unaltered.
Did any of his friends know about the affair? if so..they need to go to. They are not friends of your relationship.
Does he work with OW? if so..he needs to find another job.
He needs to go to IC to figure out why he did this. Ok..the relationship was going through a rough period. So what? ALL relationships go through rough times..but he cheated. He needs to figure out his why..so it doesn't happen again.
He needs to be patient and understanding. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and that's with no new info(TT..trickle truth) and no broken contact..and a WS doing all they should be doing..and then some.
You need to tell him he has to tell you everything..NOW. Not later..no matter how much pain it brings. Otherwise every time you find out anything new,it sets your healing back to day 1.
You need to take care of you..eat..sleep..be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this. No matter what he says..you are responsible for your end of the problems before he cheated..just as he is..but the decision to cheat is 100% on him.
Time heals nothing. It's what you do *with* that time that helps you heal.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:14 PM, August 5th (Monday)]
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.