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Don't know what to think....

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emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 13:18 PM

My gut had been telling me something wasn't right so 2 weeks ago when he went fishing "alone" when I know he can't put out the boat or bring it in alone I called him on his cell to chat a bit and make sure he was ok. He said he had found a friend of a friend to go fishing with. He accidentally left his cell phone active after he " hung up" and I spent 10 min listening to him bitch about me to someone with a very feminine voice. I made mention of the person being very feminine sounding and he laughed it of saying " ya people give him a rough time about his voice all the time".. Two days later he says he is going for drinks with the guys after work so I did a bad thing and pinged his phone on find my phone. It showed up outside an apartment building where a buddy of his used to live....this is how he met her. I went and took pictures of his truck outside and confronted him when he got home. He did the sob story about lying and how sorry he is and said he was over there to tell her he couldn't see her anymore because " she said she had feelings for him" and he didn't want to encourage that. I said we would move forward even though he had broken my heart and killed my trust ( there are many things I am second guessing such as all night parties with friends on a Friday night). He said ok and we went from there. A week later his cell phone keeps getting these texts from a woman which he had previously told me was his buddy using his girlfriend phone cause his got shut off. The texts are very personal and begging him to come for a drink or coffee. I confront he admits it is her but that he has not been answering. I asked him to cut off all contact. I thought he had, but the other night he was really drunk and being an ass ( he can be really verbally nasty). I say I am going for a drive he texts her and says he is coming over. Needless to say he was too drunk to even call a cab. So she starts texting an hour later about how mad she is for him ignoring his texts for 2 days and then wanting a midnight booty call. The next day I see texts from her being all sweet saying nite nite sexy denim guy I miss you.. He swears he has not had sex with her and has now made me into the bad guy because I am " monitoring him". And don't I have better things to do. Yesterday he didn't talk to me all day and I spent the whole day just crying. I don't want to lose my marriage there really are more good time than bad over the years, but I can't take this anymore the lack of facts is killing me....I am seeing a counsellor on Wednesday meanwhile I am just trying to smile and keep the peace while my gut eats me up inside. I am sick at heart he says he wants the marriage to work and be like it was but still won't cut of contact. He swears he is arranging for a counsellor of his own, but I feel like is just a carrot dangling. I have given all of myself to this relationship through the good and bad for 25 years..and trust me with an alcoholic there were definitely some bad times. I thought we were onto the good times but I guess I was just deluding myself! I feel like a shell of myself and have nobody to talk to at all. My family would never let it go if we worried things out and my friends think he is a great guy. I can't wait for Wednesday....I am close to tears every minute of the day and just have to smile and make like it is all ok. I found this forum and pouring this out has been cathartic....thanks for listening.

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 13:33 PM

Sounds like we're in the same shoes, emotionalgirl. Non-remorseful, carrot-dangling husbands.

Mine wants to give me just enough to make me think things are getting better, just not too much so that he can continue his affair one way or another. And not agreeing to no contact.

I am still very new to this, but all I can offer is advice that people have given me this past week... TIME is a huge factor. I know you don't want your marriage to be over, but you have to consider it to be a possibility, and start getting your affairs (no pun intended) in order. Finances, living situations, and yes, talk to an attorney. You don't have to hire said attorney, or file for divorce, just talk to someone who can give you the legal ups and downs of what just happened.

I want so badly to move on from this, to heal with my husband and live happily ever after. But I'm being realistic, and trying to figure out alternatives. He has shown me he's not the man I thought he was, so I'm no longer able to even remotely predict what he will do from here on out.

Come here often, seek support from others who have gone through/ are going through the same thing. We can't fix anything, but we can listen and offer our very best advice to help you through this hard time.


emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 13:51 PM

Krazy8516... I am sad to hear you are in the same boat but yet relieved to hear I am not alone. I am realistic enough to know that I may end up leaving this marriage but I am too emotional right now as this is all too new to be even thinking about divorce, 25 years and some very tuff times that we managed to get through just seem like to much to give up. I have a very good job and know my rights should I end up having to leave so I know I will be ok financially though i know the fit will get ugly if we divorce. we own quite allot of adult toys and property and he earns quite a bit of money. I am going to take your advice though and start to get my ducks in a row. I am thanking god that I found this forum. I will be keeping you in my prays...thanks for reaching out....hugs back

TS68 posted 8/8/2013 00:54 AM

I admire both of you for your strength. I know that I need to start getting my "affairs in order" in case it ends up my marriage is over. But HOW when I cannot even sign my daughter up for soccer or have a successful trip to the grocery store without forgetting half the items i went there for? (Never forget the wine, of course). Both of you sound so strong and wise. I hope to gain more of that hanging out here so late at night

ShedSomeLight posted 8/8/2013 07:25 AM

I am so sorry. I was being stalked by the woman that he was having an affair with and now have an active Police case. It is so crazy... I found all of this out last week. I am far from an expert, but I had a lot of "gut" feelings that he was cheating. Do not ignore those feelings. We are going to go into therapy together, but I am putting a time line on the whole thing. If by January 1st I don't have some sense of security inside, I am leaving. Right now...I am focusing on work and physical activity. I always went to the gym, but I now signed up for Martial Arts. It is helping my anger. Do things that will help you feel better.

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