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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: Apathetic and happy?
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 10 months from D-Day, and suddenly have a sense of apathy. Our R is going strong, but lately I'm keeping my distance and doing my own thing and it's making me happy.

The crazy sex phase is over, and now I just don't care if we have sex or not. We act like roommates, and I've been somewhat ignoring his advances and attempts to reach out. I love him and want to R, but I just need space.

I know that this is not the way to rebuild a marriage, but frankly, I'm not ready to give him XYZ to make our marriage stronger because I don't think he deserves it!

On one hand, I want to meet his needs and be a better wife to start rebuilding - but at the same time, I want to scare him a bit and show him that I don't need him!

Just writing this makes it sound messed up. How do you restore a marriage when you don't have that respect for your WS yet? I just don't have the energy to do the work yet! I want more time to put MY needs first, but that obviously is not helping rebuild my marriage.

Any advice?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its ok! You need to put yourself first.
Respect will come as earned.
This is all settling down and you are focusing on yourself.. Nothing wrong with that.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
thinkingclear
♂ 38884
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post word for word. I feel exactly what you are feeling.

I feel it is healthy to listen to your feelings and do what you think you need to heal yourself.


BS - Me
XW - Her
10 month EA/PA
Divorced 5/14

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2013
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Heartache 101 - you nailed it: things are settling down now and I'm not ready to just jump into regular life/routine yet, but I'm also done with the hysterical emotions. Just needing space.

I'm a new member, and I wish I had found this forum months earlier! But even now, it's so comforting to hear that we are ALL in the same boat.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apathy here too...11 months in. It was kind of scary at first, but now I feel a bit of peace evolving from it.

Check up your motives though...if they are to manipulate him somehow I don't think that is healthy.

In my case apathy is a result of our actions. Sex is weird, communication seems better, my emotions don't run like they use to...neither overly expressive with my love but not raging either.

Not sure where the strong push to work on the marriage will come from...my wife doesn't seem to be any more remorseful or passionate about our marriage...and my apathy isn't pushing me to strongly do anything either.

But maybe this is a normal part of this process?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:33 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smallbutstrong....I found this site 4 months after my DD, joined it 5 months after. I, too, wished I had found it earlier.

But I also believe everything happens for a reason and in a time that is meant to be.

Still...how nice would it have been to know earlier that what I am going through is NOT unique. And it would have been nice to find a place like this were shared wisdom can facilitate growth without having to go through the extreme pain I went through to get it.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ifinallyfoundme
♀ 39523
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO why settle for a sexless marriage. Its the glue and sure he may not deserve your body, but what about sexual release for u?

Playing devil's advocate, but aren't you leaving a significant weakness for someone else to clean up?

If H ain't doing it for just imagine he is Brad Pit or Maxwell! Buy a vibrator or other toys and explore. He will be more impressed that someone else will be getting the goodies as opposed to you with holding.

Just remember OW was always available, willing, and fed him lots of bull. Its time for you to takeback and redefine that part of your life.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 7

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