I'm sorry, Hasslesmom.
Endlessly I've thought the same things.
The thing is, at least now you know, right? No more will you be anyone's fool and from this moment on, you can begin to start your life over...on fresh terms and you can have it be whatever you want.
FWIW, one thing that really helped me is whittling down the contact I had with nearly Exh so that I couldn't know what he's doing anymore. It took a long time and a lot of agony, but I find it helps. I don't want to know where he lives, who is in his life, what he does when he's not working, what his phone bill is though I could...I deleted facebook and other SN's (social networks) and it really, really helps. I found the connections helped a kind of OCD I had going on where I would almost manically look for things he was doing and was sometimes hearing from people what he was doing or where he was-I can't stand to know, now.
There's no doubt anymore, you just know. I hope 180 goes well and slowly but surely, you can move on.
If there's a way to get yourself to stop checking records, it really does help...it takes time to let go of doing, but is worth it.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.