SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Friday I posted how I was closing my SI chapter because things were going so well in R with my fWH.

It's 2am, this morning and I hear a bottle cap open from a bottle...

I go out to the living room and ask him if he's drinking. He says no. I pull the blanket from him and his beer falls...

It breaks my heart. For my baby boys, it breaks my heart. I don't want an alcoholic father for them or an alcoholic husband. It's so sad. It's beyond sad.

Need some suggestions, please. I've tried being nice and supportive, I've tried wearing bitch boots, I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm powerless. I know that. I'm just not too sure how to react in a supporting, positive, productive way. I told him drinking is unaaceptable and if he wanted to drink he needs to get the fuck out of here. I was pretty upset.

What should I be saying or doing? I'm so lost. I thought I made it very clear no drinking is our #1 R requirement....

Gently, I don't think you need to say anything else. I think you need to follow through with what you have said you would do.

You need to decide for you and your boys. You will hear lots of promises.

Is he going to meetings? Doing his step work? Reading the big book?

He needs to get it going.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm powerless. I know that.

You are not powerless over your life, honey, even if you are powerless over his choices.

I thought I made it very clear no drinking is our #1 R requirement....

You did. And, gently, he is making it clear that he is in no position to be in R. He is not a safe person right now.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your boys, and even for fWH is to stand by what you said. He needs to go.

((((liberty))))

1. he's drinking

2. he lied about it

follow through libertyrocks, follow through. Be brave honey...

I'm so sorry.

(((Libertyrocks)))

The full weight needs to be on his shoulders now. He knows what needs to be done. He has to do it.

You need to take care of you and the kids.

i had a drunk for a dad NOT GOOD AT ALL! it killed me to see my mom hurt and it hurt that he always let me down he was non functional and not there for me cause he was drowning in boose it sucked , he choose beer over us.

i say go through with what you said would happen.

my mom took my dad back al the time and he always still drank and put so much money into it that we couldnt pay bills

(((libertyrocks)))

You know what you have to do..

Good advice, here, thank you everyone!

First off I am so very sorry. I can relate to the drinking problem.

My husband quit drinking the day after d-day three and a half years ago. He still is not drinking. Like you that was my number one requirement for reconcilliation. I forgave him for the affair but I could not forgive him for his drinking another minute.

[This message edited by Deanna at 5:36 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

(((libertyrocks))))

I ache for you.

I am 54, my father was an alcoholic, I am still trying to fix the damage.

Protect yourself and your boys, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You are the only one that can make it safe.

I am now married to an alcoholic, history repeats if we don't learn the lesson. I never knew any different, I learned that anger and abuse were normal.

I am now in the worst pain of my life because no one ever protected me and I never learned to protect myself. My mom couldn't, she could barely get through each day. I learned all the wrong lessons, never knew there was anything better until now.

If he feels that his family is the most important thing he will make the necessary choices, AA, no drinking.

You cannot do this for him, he must suffer the consequences of his actions.

If the drink is most important, even though it will break your heart now, you will be better off without him. Your boys will be better off shielded from his addiction.

I really am not sure if what I say is right, it is just coming from my gut.

I am just learning about all of this myself. Alcoholism breeds abuse, at least in my life. The effects of it lasted for so many years, I am 54 and just starting to adjust my behavior and thoughts from my fathers behavior.

See what others say, I just had to let you know how devastating it has been to my life.

I am so sorry.

((Libertyrocks))

I hate that your FWH made that choice. It seems so insane from where we stand since he is now fully aware of what the consequences are and chose to do it anyway.

Alcohol is an issue for us as well. Just curious, did you know there was beer in the house or did he sneak it in? I ask because my IC told me that if I was going to ask my WH to stop drinking altogether then I couldn't drink either. It's not fair to have it in the house if he truly has a drinking problem. I haven't gone that route yet (for selfish reasons) but I suppose it's in the future.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry Liberty! (((hugs))) Such is the nature of an addict. He has to really want recovery. I agree with the others that keeping the boundary you set is crucial. Please take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry ((Liberty)).

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to get strong enough motivation to change. I would calmly impose the consequence you stated--he drank, he leaves.

Maybe the loss of his family will be his rock bottom, but either way, you can keep your self-worth and protect your boys.

My WH grew up with an alcoholic father. WH is a wonderful but deeply damaged person. His soul is gentle and loyal, yet he could not help but absorb characteristics from alcoholism.

He's working so hard now, but before he had no personal boundaries. Anyone could manipulate him because he had no real self confidence and was convinced that deep down he must be unlovable. (If he were lovable, his dad wouldn't have been driven to drink. If he were worth something, his mom would have protected him.)

He has trust issues and fear of abandonment. The coping skills he learned from his FOO are denial, compartmentalization, blame shifting, and rugsweeping.

This is a man who craves intimacy and adores me. Yet, in the perfect storm of stress pre-A and the A itself, he became just like his father. Cold, disdainful, detached and emotionally abusive.

If you let your boys grow up with an alcoholic, they will sustain the damage that millions of ACoA's have. I wish with all my heart that WH's mom had left his dad when he was still little.

Very best wishes and hug your boys.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 5:16 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Hugs, honey. I am living with a recovering SA, have an adult son who is a recovering alcoholic, and am the daughter of a drunk mother. The damage that did is far reaching. Be strong. Put on those bitch boots. If not for you, for those kids.

The second hardest thing I ever did was throw my SAfWH out. The HARDEST thing I ever did was throw my DS out. They both say now it saved their lives. But that CANNOT be the reason you do it, because you have no control over him. You do have control over your actions.

Many many hugs...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

I am sorry. You need to follow thru with what your said as hard as it will be. Sending good thoughts to you and your kids

Liberty, I keep writing and re-writing a response. This is such a tough situation. Firstly, sobriety is not a straight line path for everyone. And that's OK. Maybe Chicho can chime in more on this, but slip-ups are a part of the early days of recovery for most. It doesn't meant he can't be successful in arresting this disease. Just keep that in mind no matter what - even if you break-up, there is still hope that he can clean up for your kiddos. No guarantee, but nothing wrong with cautious, detached optimism.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. They suck. They are often issued with a particular goal in mind - to elicit a certain behavior - rather than being a real boundary. Most people (myself included) don't really and truly think through the complexities of situations and how the way they play out could affect whether or not we want to follow through. I guess my advice is don't worry so much about following through just for the sake of following through. Go back to what you really want and what you really feel. Did you issue the ultimatum because you really could not R with someone who is drinking? Or did you issue the ultimatum hoping it would knock him into sobriety? If you issued the ultimatum to do that, to get him sober, I'm not surprised it didn't work and he didn't stay sober. And I'm not surprised it left you conflicted; that is what happens if your ultimatum is about the other person rather than yourself. Can you R with someone who is addressing the disease, but experiences a slip-up (I don't know if he's addressing the disease or not)? I guess all I'm saying is I disagree with the posters who say you have to leave because you said you would. So what. Maybe you changed your mind in a very trying emotional time with infidelity and alcoholism. The important part is to take care of you, take care of the kids, get more centered so that you really know what you want and need in R. Once you know, don't make an ultimatum out of it. Just live it, embrace it, and find strength from the boundaries you have. Strength from within.

My WH is 6 months sober. I know how I will approach a slip up if it happens. And it is my boundary. For myself. Not to cojole him into staying sober.

Liberty, take care. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 10:04 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

I spent my entire M (20+yrs) with a WH who drank wine every single day. He was never: fall down drunk, did not slur his words, held an executive position and never missed a day of work. I would accuse him of being an alcoholic (because he drank daily, and hid it) but internally I was confused as to whether he was one or not. He built up such a huge tolerance for alcohol it was difficult to tell. I now understand that he was a functioning alcoholic.

For years I bitched to him about his drinking. Looking back I see how destructive his drinking was to our M. I began to feel like he was a complete asshole and let him know it, I lost respect for him, in turn he basically ignored me. We co-existed, did not fight all that much, but the love was lacking.

My WH took his last drink 10/2010 on Dday. While in MC I was told that I should have done exactly what I threatened to do during the course of our M, "Divorce his ass". I learned during that session that the MC was a reformed alcoholic, so I trust he knew what he was talking about.

Had I known then what I know now I really should have sat my WH down for a serious talk, one that basically said, get help and stop drinking or I am leaving.

When I ask my WH what he thinks would have happened had I done that he honestly believes that he would have stopped drinking.

Please, please, please do not do what I did and allow this to continue - take action now to force him to make a decision to stop drinking or give up his family.

{{{libertyrocks}}}

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 12:11 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

No words of advice. Just sending you strength and serenity.

((liberty rocks))