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Married to a porn/sex addict. Ready to mentally check out

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conflictedheart posted 8/5/2013 14:58 PM

I haven't been to SI for about 3 years now. Honestly I don't even know why I'm typing this. I am so sick of talking about it. I am ready to throw in the towel...

Long story short, found out husband has still been looking at porn. Over 6 years later, and he is still addicted as ever. Now in any normal case, this wouldn't be that big of a deal. Okay, your husband looks at porn. Lots of men do. Only problem is, for my husband looking leads to DOING. That's right. Let's rewind a little....

2007, I caught him making plans to meet up with a girl in a hotel room....he had been chatting with her online and she had sent him naked pictures. Somehow, don't ask me how, we worked through it.

Okay. 2009....I thought we were doing well with our reconciling. I uncover his account to I see he has himself listed as "separated" and looking for a fling. Yeah, okay. I say "oh honey, we are separated? You should have told me!!" The look on his face was priceless. Lots of crying (on his part) lots of guilt and remorse, I got the whole "i'm an addict, blah blah blah" talk and he actually had me feeling sorry for HIM.

Okay. So over the past 4 years nothing really has happened. A couple times I caught him looking at porn again every time he swears he's sorry and wants to stop. Yesterday I found out he's been on Lovely. My first reaction is feeling like I am going to puke, literally. Cold sweats, heart in my throat, ect. Once again, he says he wants to stop and is sorry.

Well I ain't buying what he's selling anymore. If he really wanted to stop, he would have stopped by now. My patience has run out. I am at the point where I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him, let alone have sex with him. Now in the whole 13 years of being married, I have never denied him sex. Some women use sex as a weapon. I've never done that. But I think I'm going to start. I don't want him to touch me, it's disgusting. I think he continues to treat me this way because he knows he can get away with it. Usually when this porn thing comes to a head, we end up having sex 1 or 2 days later and we make up physically. I think it's called hyper bonding. He gets all emotional and we have a good sex session. Well I don't want that cycle anymore. I'm done. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions, and he is going to. I hope he likes a cold, empty bed for a long time. Maybe the light of the computer screen will keep him warm

HeartInADustpan posted 8/5/2013 15:01 PM

Good for you!

Mine is/was too and I'm so afraid this will be my story in a couple years.

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 15:06 PM

conflicted heart,

I have seen a lot of people saying that lately ("I'm just done!"), and quite frankly, I'm on my way there myself. Know what people are telling them? That's okay! Sometimes this crap is a dealbreaker, and it's totally fine. Don't even look at it in terms of what he's losing - see what you're gaining. A life free of his bullshit, one where you respect yourself and know you deserve better.

Some people will repair, some people just can't. I'm not sure on the specifics yet, but if you can't, it is okay. Keep us updated and I know we'll all do our best to help you through your next steps, whatever you choose them to be. ::hugs::

Lionne posted 8/5/2013 15:40 PM

If you are married to an SA, there are no promises he can make to stop that are going to work, IMHO. If this is a deal breaker for you, it is.
Dealing with the trauma brought on by being married to an SA is a level not addressed by a regular IC, however. Whether or not you are with or without him, YOU need help to break away from his crazy making behaviors.
SAs are clever, manipulative and oh so charming. They will weasel their way back into your bed with promises to change, with words about how sorry they are, how perfect you are, blah, blah, blah. But unless they get the right kind of help, they CAN'T change, and you'll be back in the same place again, time in and out.
And it's okay if you are done. But you'll still need to process all that's happened.
If you decide to try again, well, that's a whole different fish to fry...I'm doing it. I can't say it's easy, but neither path is.

conflictedheart posted 8/5/2013 15:54 PM

That's the thing. It seems *I* am the only one trying here. Trying to understand, trying to help, trying to push aside my hurt and work through it EVERY.TIME.

We went to marriage counseling one time with our pastor and his wife and that was my idea. It only lasted a couple months. Things were supposed to happen, he was supposed to be "accountable" to someone, he had homework to do and nothing got done. It eventually got pushed to the wayside. He didn't work at it at all. He doesnt seek out help for himself to change. He looks to me for help and suggestions. He has ME looking up sex addict counselors. Why should I? He says he wants to change, but I have to do all the foot work? Um, no.

Sorry if I sound angry, this is not directed towards anyone who responded to me. My ass is just seriously burned right now. scaredyKat, you are right. I need to help myself. I will seek out the resources I need to help myself. It will take time but I will do it. And as for him? Well whatever. I've lost track of all the times I've tried. You can only bang your head against the same wall so many times before you wonder why you keep doing it over and over ....

Thanks for the encouraging words everyone I appreciate it.

Missymomma posted 8/5/2013 16:02 PM

He needs to see a specialized therapist and go to SA meetings. He can look this up at . Regular therapy DOES NOT work for a sex addict. It typically causes more harm than good, sex addicts are very good at trying to pretend the problem is something else.

You need to take care of yourself and detach. Have you read the thread for spouses of SAs? Lots of info. I totally agree with Scaredy, whether you stay with him or not you will need help. This is my second husband that is an all around addict. I didn't stay in recovery and ended up back with another addict. Whether you leave is totally up to you.

kansas1968 posted 8/5/2013 16:18 PM

I think you should be done. He is just hurting you over and over and he knows he is doing it. He should have done everything in his power, including seeing a SA specialist to get over his addition. If it is just looking, that is one thing as you said, but you know and he knows that it leads to him acting out.

And by doing that he is not only breaking your heart, he is puting his health and yours at risk. Hopefully you have been tested recently and there isn't an issue there.

As with any addict they have to reach bottom before they will do the work. That bottom for him will probably be you leaving and meaning it.
I am so, so, sorry he is doing this to you. You do not deserve it and at this point he doesn't care.
Hugs and strength...

NotsureIcan posted 8/5/2013 16:35 PM

I think for a lot of years I denied my WH being a sex addict but after our daughter was born we agreed no porn in the house. Fast forward 2 years and I found a porn magazine wrapper under his car seat. He had been "using " them at work for his pleasure. So I quit trusting him. Over time the trust came back. I believed he wasn't acting out. UNTIL 5 years later when I find out he's having an affair!!! Such bullshit! It's like if we aren't around to babysit they act out. This is my LAST straw. I'm in MC with him and both in IC. If it EVER happens again there will be no discussion. He's out.

Married 7 years
Together 14 years

D-day 11/6/12
Trying to R

carnelian posted 8/5/2013 16:40 PM

I'm going to second what's already been said here. First, if you're done, you're done - you don't need to have a reason, you don't need to justify it, you've just had enough.

Second, he needs - has - to go to a certified therapist and attend meetings religiously. There is no shortcut. It's hard work and unless he admits he has a problem and actively works every. single. day. toward recovery with trained professionals, this pattern will only repeat itself. And your heart and soul will be eroded more and more with every discovery.

If you're done, get out and don't look back.

PolyGal posted 8/5/2013 16:59 PM

For what it's worth, I don't think that not sleeping with him is the same as using sex as a weapon. If you don't want to sleep with someone, you don't have to sleep with someone, it's that simple.

Nature_Girl posted 8/5/2013 18:07 PM

The freedom I feel being liberated from a life with a porn/sex addict is intoxicating. No more worrying, no more checking, no more having to squash down & tolerate what violates my personal beliefs. The relief I feel knowing I won't be catching any diseases from him is palpable. I feel like I dodged a huge bullet because I don't have HIV. No more comparing myself to computer phantoms, no more trying to outfuck & outsuck porn queens. No more hearing him jack off every night. Just, no more.

grapefruit posted 8/5/2013 19:16 PM

It sounds like you've given him plenty of chances. It doesn't matter whether it's porn or actual acting out, it's a boundary that he continues to violate.

If you haven't already read "Mending a Shattered Heart", I would suggest reading it ASAP. It's written for partners of sex addicts, and has great information about how to create boundaries. It has a chapter on separating or divorcing, if that is the path you wish to take.

Staying in a relationship with an addict who continues to act out isn't healthy for you or your kids.


hurtbs posted 8/5/2013 19:28 PM

Conflicted, my XWH is an SA. The best advice I can give you is to get involved with a support group - even if you are leaving. There are reasons why you chose an addict and then stayed with them. You need to address and deal with those. Additionally, there is a lot of trauma that comes with being married to an addict that you need to heal.
Take care of you. COSA and S-Anon are both good groups. You can also join a co-dependent group.

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 19:29 PM

I'm sorry, Conflicted Heart.

It sounds like a pattern was created in your relationship sometime ago and continues. I'm glad that you recognize it and are realizing it's unhealthy-for both of you.

One thing that goes with SA, from my understanding and learning about it, is shame. Shame on behalf of a person who may be SA "afterwards". Nearly ExH displayed this during his confusion of leaving me. It was horrible to witness. People do have ability to cover it up and not let others see it, though, so it's not easy to peg.

Nearly ExH is SA and has been addicted to porn his entire adult life and much of his teenage years. Probably over time, I could have learned to accept it, if he was different with how he handled it. From day one he hid this side of himself from me, so right there, BOOM: lies. 20 years and counting.

He is SA and also addicted to porn, and it is believed that he thinks that things he sees there are actually real.

Sex became his vice for life's frustrations and over time he grew very bored of me, as his frustrations mounted and so off he went, in search of women outside of our marriage and family life.

I confess to not knowing much about porn or things that go with it, but am getting more understanding as time goes on. It seems to be almost a universe of its own and now nearly ExH thinks something is wrong with me.

Learning this about the man I thought I knew helped me to finally file papers for divorce. It helped me realize that he had zero respect for me and also for OW and other women. They are possessions or tools.

Also, I find the womanizing angle disgusting and it's helping me detach.

I'm sorry for your hard times and hope you can come to a decision at some point that's healthy for you.

Have you been tested for STD's? For me, that was a horrible shock, to realize he may have brought that into our home and life and so I swallowed my pride and got tested. It's an aspect of what he did that he hadn't even thought of and made every excuse not to get tested during false R, but also to try to say things that would dispute the issue.

I wish you well and safe.


womaninflux posted 8/5/2013 19:31 PM

I agree ... get in S-Anon. It will help you to work the steps and be with others in your situation. I am struck by the peace that some of these people have found. It will help you to support others going through this as well. It's an interesting perspective to get - both from people who have been in S-Anon for a long time as well as those who have been in a few months. It really seems to help. You can take away what you want and what is helpful.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/5/2013 19:33 PM

I admire your courage.

DO IT!!!

Leave sooner rather than later, and refer back to this every single time he tried to talk you into changing your mind. There is more to life than being his babysitter.

conflictedheart posted 8/6/2013 08:45 AM

I just wanted to say thank you to everybody that took the time to respond to me. I appreciate all the well thought out replies. I am just so very overwhelmed right now, and I am trying to process everything.

I think some of you misunderstood me though. I am not ready to physically leave yet. I meant mentally and emotionally. I'm not saying I haven't thought of physically leaving because I have. But that would be huge and something I would have to plan out. It would take time. I'm a stay at home mom and never finished my college degree so my job prospects aren't that great. But I digress...I don't feel for him as a husband anymore, things are just weird between us. More like friends and co-parents. I really don't wish to turn the kids lives upside down at this time. I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses but this is reality.

There are definitely reasons why I have chosen a man like this and have continued to put up with it and stay. I am pretty self aware and will be the first to admit I have warped issues with sex and men. I was sexually molested as a child by two members of my family. Everything I learned about sex was from them. My parents never sat me down or talked to me about anything like that. So as an adult I've had to figure things out in my head for myself as to what is normal, and what is not. Scary, huh.

It's just so hard to fathom not being with him anymore. We've been together since I was 16. In all other areas, he is a great guy. I have no other issues with him. Oh look, there I go again justifying this right? It may be the only problem but it's a big problem. I think my response has been to be in denial about this. Every time it happens, it gets shoved under the rug. It is too painful to deal with. I just want a happy life with my kids and husband. I don't want this to go away. But HE is making this go away!!!

I'm sorry if I sound weak or pathetic. It's just so easy for people to say "You should leave" but it's easier said than done. I have read each and every one of your replies word for word, more than once. Trust me, I am not ignoring any words of advice. I'm not saying I will never leave, just that I don't know when or how. I definitely see the pattern in our life though and I hate it.

And as for our "reconciliation" ? Far as I'm concerned, it never happened. It was false. Pretty sad to admit. He pretended to R with me, and that pisses me off. I think deep down he wants to keep doing this, living in his fantasy porn land where all the women are sex machines while still having his wife and kids on the side. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I AM tired of of being a babysitter. You know, I actually was thinking of re-installing a keylogger on his computer like I did 4 years ago? But I am so SICK of it. I am sick of checking his computer, his cell phone, ect. I wonder what it is like to have a relationship with trust. I wish I could experience this. Everyone says you can't have a marriage without trust. Yet somehow I've been functioning the majority of this marriage without it!!!!! I feel cheated.

And the fact that once again I have to go out and get an STD test infuriates me. I had one done in 2007 after the first dday. He swears he has never actually acted on his plans but yeah. I'm getting another test done. I am so stupid for living my life this way.

I'm sorry for rambling, I don't know what my point is and I have to throw up again.
My head is such a mess please forgive me. I will come back when I am more coherent.

sadone29 posted 8/6/2013 09:11 AM

Hi conflicted,

I totally understand. I'm in the same position....a stay at home mom without any prospects at the moment. I have debts, no license and no way of being able to take care of the kids on my own right now. I estimate it being at least 3 years before I'm able to be independent, unless by some miracle I find a good paying job without more schooling. So doubtful though.
Things with my H are awkward too. We're more like friends and co-parents now. I also don't want to turn the kids' world upside down. The only place I would have to go was my parents in their small house in another city. I'm just not willing to do that to them.
He tells me that even if we split, he'll support the family until I get back on my feet. Who knows at this point. I hate being in this position.

I'm sorry it's happening to you too.

sparklezombie posted 8/6/2013 09:49 AM

I have a similar problem and am trying to determine if I'm going to leave (85% certain that I will). WH has been looking at porn since well before our marriage and since we got married has expanded to dating sites, sex sites, cheating sites, etc. to find and "talk to" other women and meet up with them. For months now, it's been hard not to mentally check out. Now I think I'm ready to physically check out. I just don't think he's changed and we've never had a real R. It's too hurtful and a damaging environment to raise children in

Ostrich80 posted 8/6/2013 11:26 AM

@naturegirl...awesomely said.

@conflicted heart..just reading the words AFF and Pornhub seriously just spiked my blood pressure, my hands are shaking. My ws is a frequent flyer on these sites. I know he goes into them but have no way of knowing what happens next..
I have chosen to not have sex with him because I'm afraid he's had sex with one of those girls. I'm sure me not servicing him just fuels his justification to seek elsewhere but...he started it.
This pun intended

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