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Need advice please re: Reconciliation

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Brokenuma posted 8/5/2013 15:07 PM

I found out now almost three weeks ago. Had the feeling, did the research, followed the trail and found the evidence. Confronted him with suspicions about 10 days prior before I found the nail in the coffin. The pay for minutes Target phone with their conversations, texts and lovey sentimental exchanges and pictures. Not to mention the extra credit card and 6K in cash he whittled away secretly to see her under the guise of paying for his massages. Oh and she is his massage therapist who barely speaks English from another country who was looking for her own Mr. America to give her the big dream I am sure. Was warned about this establishment from my hair dresser who said this place was known for giving happy endings! Asked about that of course, and he was shocked and said no one ever approached him in that way only a massage.

Well fast forward 3 weeks post Dday and he is saying all the right things, reading the books and going to therapy. Mind you he has been clinically depressed off and on for years and he had quit his 3 meds for that cold turkey to make sure he was up to par for this I am sure. As you know the side effects of those meds no doubt. So he only got worse and the affair and behaviors became more bizarre and erratic for a guy I thought was true blue. Mind you my first husband was a serial cheater and I divorced him 20 plus years ago with two young children.

He has been saying and doing all the right things, but when I search his computer now twice he has deleted all his search history for the internet and reset it so it can not be recovered? How can I rebuild a bridge of trust with someone like this? He sent the letter to her to cutoff the affair but I feel so uneasy. Still feel something is maybe going on? How do I handle this? Watching the bank account and credit cards I know about like a hawk but do not know how to proceed. Am I completely wasting my time trying to reconcile with a man who is only trying to save his own bacon? And because this was not the "right" one to leave me for he is still on the hunt? Thanks so much for your input.
Devasted and confused

AFrayedKnot posted 8/5/2013 17:32 PM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry that you are here. There is a lot of help here. We have been where you are.

There are a few great threads in Just Found Out that you should check out.
Tactical Primer
Boundaries and consequences 101
Before you say reconcile
A great post for newbies

They should all be in the first few pages.
Also check out the healing library in the yellow box on the top left.

He has been saying and doing all the right things

Keeping secrets and deleting internet history is not doing all the right things.
Transparency is one of the first right things he should be doing along with honesty and NC.

You cant rebuild the trust. He must rebuild your trust. That is why transparency is so important.
You could install a keylogger. To verify he is being transparent.


Brokenuma posted 8/5/2013 19:27 PM

Thank you so much for the great resources. So many places to look for information. My head is swimming obviously and in a fog now of my own. If I install the keylogger will he be able to detect it? Or will he get alert from Anti Virus protection? Just want to see what is going on? Should I confront him about the deleted histories? I want to know for sure and catch him not just hear more lies about why it was deleted or lame excuses. The keylogger sounds like a great tip. Thanks so much.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/5/2013 20:22 PM

Was it agreed upon that he would not delete his history?

Brokenuma posted 8/6/2013 04:35 AM

No. Confronted him on this since it was eating me alive. He said he was told to do it by Apple periodically to keep his computer running faster? And he said he could see how that would make me feel upset and suspicious about his internet searches now. He thought we were doing better since I had not confronted him for a few days on anything so he said he was lulled into a false sense of security that he was doing better in that respect. Do not know what to believe. Also reviewed his text messages to me for past 6 months it was so cold and curt you would have thought I was an employee not a spouse. Far different from the responses he gave to his lover. So painful. I said that was very hurtful as well and only added to my false sense of security on my part. Even since the letter to her to cut it off you would think he would be wooing me to try and win me back? No I feel like I am doing the lions share of the effort? Going to follow the advice you recommended in the posts. So lost and broken. Thanks so much.

summerain posted 8/6/2013 05:00 AM

said he was told to do it by Apple periodically to keep his computer running faster?

Not heard of that one before, I also googled it. (we own a mac). Nothing. Perhaps you should install a keylogger and set out some 'ground rules' for R.

As an aside, yes you shouldn't have to tell him NOT to delete the internet history but ground rules generally seem to be what 'normal couples' take for granted. It definately sucks.

And don't be as stupid as me and TELL him you will put a keylogger on. Just do it

These first weeks/months can often be the hardest. I'm 10 months in and just tonight coming home I realised that I am a lot happier, and in someways I have found and/or realised strength that I have had all along

Remember, you don't need him. You can't control him and you can't nice him back. There is nothing wrong with you for him to do this, there is something wrong with him. The fact he is cold and distant does not reflect on who you are, it reflects extremely badly on him.

Brokenuma posted 8/6/2013 05:32 AM

Thanks Lauren. Researched it and will be doing that tomorrow. Probably should have just installed it and not mentioned the internet searches being deleted. Planning to call Apple on that one as well. Thanks for checking for me! I feel he was already damaging my ability to trust him as he did this on his personal cell as well. He was "acting understanding" like I have the right to check, but I can see it making him extremely irritated underneath. After the discussion ended tonight, he started having a panic attack and began hyperventilating and just went to bed. I feel this is just a big act as he is he starting to feel guilty or cannot handle the pressure of my questioning his integrity, now since he has broken my trust. I said due to his ongoing depression issues, I could not help but worry, that he was searching for ways to kill himself and or me. I took the necessary steps to hide a small handgun we own, and bullets, which he purchased recently as well. All of this is extremely unnerving needless to say.
He was Mr. True Blue and was there for me for many years and helped me care for my aging parents till thier death. He took pride I think in his virtues and his morals, saying he felt fortunate he was not failing like other men he knew in their marriages. Pride goes before the fall....
How do you know what to believe? Nothing makes any sense? Is he only trying to save his own bacon till he can find another frying pan that suits him better? Afraid he is addicted now to this "high" from having an affair. Told him I am so afraid, and I cannot tolerate any OW or A in the future ever! It is finished if any new evidence comes to light!

[This message edited by Brokenuma at 5:39 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 8/6/2013 05:51 AM

How do you know what to believe..because nothing is making sense?

Watch his actions. Forget what he says and watch what he does. Dday was less than a week ago. Unfortunately, in the beginning,after dday, some WS's continue to do what they've been doing..lying and pretending. Things don't make sense because you are trying to match his words to his actions..and they don't add up. He is saying some of the right things..but deleting his history..and lying..and hiding shit.

180. Take care of you. He will either realize what he is about to lose and get his head out of his ass and get with the program..or he will continue to hide shit..either way..take care of you. Talking to him about anything right now is a waste of your energy. It is pointless...he is lying..and it will only cause you more pain. Tell him your requirements for R..hold firm to those requirements and form your boundaries...and 180.

Then watch him.

Keylogger..don't tell him it's on his computer,of course.

Spyware on his phone..same thing..don't tell.

And a VAR in his car.

And watch him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:52 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

CLRhope4her posted 8/6/2013 06:36 AM

My WH would pull the poor me I've worked so hard and you hadn't said anything in three days so I thought it was better. It took a month a full four months to finally get all the truth. And I found histories deleted....but he wasn't aware Facebook had put an Activity Log in. Discovered he was searching the OW/Ex-BFF's page numerous times daily. Then was upset I made a big deal of it.

The fog and the TT-ing took a while to finally lift. If I can offer any advise it's this-the man who tells you the truth and respects you isn't there right now. It's up to him if he comes back, but my situation leads me to believe that so soon after DDay it's impossible to believe he understands the massive ramifications of what he's done.

You do EVERYTHING in your power to provide YOURSELF with peace of mind. In my opinion they've lost the right of privacy and to trust anything they say. They have to work for that and even then I'm not sure that ever comes back to them.

Brokenuma posted 8/6/2013 11:04 AM

Thank you all so much for your help. I am so broken as I am sure you were in the early stages of finding of this A. And Dday was his wake up call to get out and stay out from OW. But I can imagine he is still depressed and missing that euphoria or herion high he had from being with her, the withdrawals as I read in the postings or books I am reading. Just sharing and writing helps so much. THanks so much for your insight. I hope you all made it through to the other side. I am a survivor and know I will, just so miss what we had, but know it is gone forever now.

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