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Define remorseful please

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ceilingwalker posted 8/5/2013 15:18 PM

My wife says she is remorseful but I haven't seen it yet. One day she wants a divorce, the next she doesn't so it is up-and-down all week long. She is the one that cheated on me, why am I kissing her ass trying to keep this together? Yes, I do love her and that hasn't changed. What has changed is my level of security with her. She has a long sad history of lying to me and I was able to look away before D-Day. Now everything is magnified. She gets angry and yells at me when I ask her questions about her time with him. Last night she flew into a fit of rage when I asked her "how many men were there"? I need to understand why I want to hang on to her because even my counselor told us "... this has been a give and give relationship where you (me) have been doing all the giving but when it comes time to take, there is nothing there for you". My wife had no response to it. Also, are there questions that it is not fair for me to ask her? I ask because she gets so upset with everything I ask or say.

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 15:28 PM

ceilingwalker, we could be twins!

At least yours has agreed to counseling. But... I suppose that's of no comfort when she is still being deflective and unremorseful. From what I have read, there should be no unfair questions on your part. You have a right to ask anything you want, and if she's really trying to help you heal, she'll answer them (honestly). My husband has told me I can ask him anything I want, but the question on my mind most of the time lately is "Are you still communicating with her?" This sends him over the edge.

He is also wishy-washy. One day crying, begging me not to leave him. The next, talling me he's going to take the 'highway' (because 'my way' just isn't going to work for him).

I think we still have options, but they are breaking down every day. If our spouses refuse to admit they're in the wrong, nothing we can say or do will convince them. No more ass-kissing. If she doesn't want to put in the effort, neither should you.

Sucks, huh? ::hugs:: for you

doggiediva posted 8/5/2013 15:40 PM


I like your user name..

Unless and until she can stop being angry and defensive R won't be successful..

I feel like I am an expert on marriages where there is a huge discrepancy of give and take..

I was frustrated to the point of discussing S and D during our M, even before my WH's A, because he had been such a lazy lousy provider economically,leaving me to be the responsible one to support us...More importantly, he basically ignored any of my concerns or needs for conversation / having fun together..

The defensiveness allows her to rationalize why she decided to cheat and she will do it again unless she finds out enough about why she did it...

If your WW digs deep enough into her thought processes and becomes more enlightened as to why she chooses to cheat, and assuming that she has a good moral compass, she will either stop cheating or approach you to end the marriage in a way that has the most fair outcome possible....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

bloodstream posted 8/5/2013 15:43 PM


i'm sorry you are going through this... i don't believe that there are any ?'s off limits... if r is to be real, there should be nothing off limits. i think she gets so upset because she knows she is in the wrong and maybe doesn't know how to express herself in a healthy way and instead lashes out at you.

i found this info online about regret vs. remorse, maybe it will be of some help.....

Regret is a rational, intelligent and, on occasion, emotional reaction to some unexpected, unintended and often costly consequence of some event or action. Regrets are typically amoral—there is no right or wrong associated with the actions; it's the consequences that matter. In most of these cases the expression of regret through an apology is really secondary. While regret is amoral and concerned with good versus bad consequences, remorse has more to do with right versus wrong actions. Feelings of remorse are often caused by actions that constitute serious and painful errors of judgment and often draws out powerful compulsions to fix the mistake through personal change and sacrifice.

i think you are in full on "damage control" mode just trying to save your family, even though she is in the wrong... i was like that too.

callmecrazy posted 8/5/2013 15:45 PM

Remorse. You will know it when you see it. They care what they did. They will do what you need to fix things. They will be understanding when you are an emotional mess bc they accept responsibility for the trauma they have caused you. they will work on fixing themselves.

You arent close to remorse. Do not kiss her butt. I too did this...eventually I said MC was pointless bc I knew I was still being lied to. I only do IC now to keep my sanity as I make my decisions.

doggiediva posted 8/5/2013 15:46 PM

I was trying to save our family at the time too at the expense of my sanity and emotional wellbeing..

heforgotme posted 8/5/2013 16:01 PM

She is the one that cheated on me, why am I kissing her ass trying to keep this together?

That's a good question. I am guessing the reason is that you still love her, but unfortunately this tactic seldom, if ever, works.

are there questions that it is not fair for me to ask her?

Not that I can think of. And I think the word "fair" is off the table anyway. Is any of this fair?

If she is remorseful you will know it. You will feel it. You will see her in pain over what she has done to you and herself. She will be determined. She will make changes. You will see her mortification over her choices.

I hope she truly sees the light soon. But I would read up on the 180 in case she doesn't.

1Faith posted 8/5/2013 18:12 PM

Regret is about being careless enough to get caught. Regret is for the shame she may feel.

Regret is being sorry for something you've done, but not necessarily taking action to make amends.

One can feel sorry that their BS is hurting without doing a single thing to comfort them or help them recover. Regret is a feeling that is momentary and can be easily suppressed, especially if they are someone who compartmentalizes. Regret is passive.

Remorse, on the other hand, is active. Remorse comes when the betrayer, feels compassion for the BS. It is when they are willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS heal. Remorse is selfless. Remorse asks, 'what more can I do to help you?'

You need to see that she understands your pain. When it is true remorse, they realize that they'd do anything- literally anything- to take away your pain. In other words - they "get it."

Remorse is taking responsibility for their bad choices and is necessary for recovery and true reconciliation.

Your WW is not remorseful.

Hang in there and define what it is you need from her. She has to behave her way to earning you and your trust back.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:13 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

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