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please help with how to explain...

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bloodstream posted 8/5/2013 15:26 PM

to my wh that knowing he told ow "i love you" still hurts... even 17 months after dday.

at 3 months after dday, i asked him if she was prettier than me (during an emotional discussion) and he said "yes".

those two things hurt me still.

r is going well. it seems to be the usual roller coaster that i read about here on si... wh has been completely out of the fog, nc, transparent, and trying to help me heal by proving himself with his actions... he realizes now that he never did truly love the ow and what a sham of a life he was living.

when we were talking yesterday, i told him that i still feel heartbroken that he said those words... "i love you"... to her. and that he told me, even if it was only once, that she was prettier than me.

he doesn't understand why or how, after all these months of good r... that the things he's done since then don't somehow negate those things he did then. (he hasn't said that they weren't hurtful or that i that i shouldn't be hurt...) he asked me, "how come all the times i've told you you are beautiful and that i love you don't mean anything? how come all you remember is the past" what about now?"

how do i express my appreciation for and acceptance of his compliments and i love you's now... while still having hurt feelings about what he did during the a?

i am so bad at expressing myself with words, especially if i am upset... and i have read so many posters on this site that have such wonderful ways to word things.... and when i read them the light bulb goes off, and i'm like... "YES!!! that is exactly how i feel!!!"

apologies if this was rambling or unclear... i do hope someone understands what i am getting at here...

thank you so much for any input guys....

nowiknow23 posted 8/5/2013 15:36 PM

If he had cut you with a knife 18 months ago, the scar would remain. His words were no less harmful to you than the hypothetical knife. The scar remains. Doesn't mean that healing hasn't happened, but the skin that was cut still shows that damage, and the cut nerve endings still register a twinge now and then.

Would that help?

dameia posted 8/5/2013 15:53 PM

The scar remains

Exactly! My WH and I were just dicussing this subject last night.

He thinks because he says all the right stuff now that anything he said in the past shouldn't affect how I feel now.

But, of course, it does. Hurtful words and actions create deep, deep scars. To go with NIK's cutting analogy, just because he is no longer inflicting new cuts, doesn't mean that the wounds he already inflicted on you disappear. They're still their, they're still painful.

learningtofeel posted 8/5/2013 16:12 PM

I think I might have an opposite problem. I am loving the way my WS is loving me right now. So much that it is very tempting to not let myself feel the pain about his betrayals. I don't want to lose all these good feelings.

I think it's really hard to balance it all. The past really, really hurts and I'm not over that yet. But at the same time, we are working really hard and in the last week we have made huge progress. We are learning to be open, loving, caring, passionate. It's sooooo nice.

How do I allow a "break" from crying all the time to enjoy this new way of being together while not also stuffing the pain and not dealing with it. I have never been very good at dealing with difficult emotions anyway.....

How to live with that complexity?

Phoenix519 posted 8/5/2013 16:25 PM

I am 4 years and 3 months out from my Dday and I would like to offer you a different take based on my experience. My husband used to say the exact same thing to me. He just didn't seem to understand why he could be working his butt off in the present, only to be blindsided by hurt from the past. What I came to realize, and I hope you do too, is that its not your place to make him understand. We don't even understand it ourselves in the moment. Emotional pain lingers longer than physical pain and that's a fact. Looking back, both my FWH and myself see that he still didn't grasp the depth of my pain when he thought the present should negate the past. Trying to explain this will wear you out, he needs to read, and research it for himself. I can tell you that if you and he continue to work at it, it will get better and will seem less significant the more distance you put between yourself and Dday. My timeframe was about 3 years or more.

kansas1968 posted 8/5/2013 16:31 PM

All the things they do post affair do matter, and they matter a lot, but it is the betrayal(s) during the affair that cut our hearts to pieces and will NEVER not hurt.

I wrote down those betrayals that hurt me the most. There were about eight of them. Not too many for a seven year affair I don't think. I told him I want a sincere apology for each one of those things. I want an acknoledgement that he understands how much they hurt and why. Then I want an apology.

I sent the list with him to our counsellor and he is supposed to be working on it with her. He still hasn't done it, and I will never be really healed without it, so we will see.

If your husband will do that, tell you how he can understand how that would have been so painful for you and really, really, apologize for it, that may help a lot.

blakesteele posted 8/5/2013 16:57 PM

First, I am of the same mind set as others...BS can't make our fWS understand much of what we are experiencing. I, too, am hopeful that someday my wife will search and find ways on her own to embrace in a more full manner the pain her choice to have an affair has caused our family. She understands some of this since the fog has lifted...but it will take time to fully embrace this. I am fine with this now.

3 months after my DD some pretty horrific things were said and written by my wife about me. These were "truths of the moment" and many don't hold water my wife admits she recognizes feeling and saying those things but they are not a part of her now. Problem is...they are a part of us now....just like my rage phase (and things I said and did then) are a part of us.

Once experienced you simply cannot forget.

I take considerable comfort in that this pain has given me wisdom...and, to some extent, courage to put that wisdom to work.

I am no longer blind (have wisdom) to the damage another person can do to me, but am finding the courage to re-engage and get back on that horse. It is NOT comfortable...but courage is not needed for comfortable just takes laziness to do comfortable things....and I am not BS who is working on issues following an A are lazy.

Apologize help..and the more detailed the better.

Wisdom so many times has to be gained the old fashioned way...through pain. I hope we all gain all the wisdom we can from this experience. From what I can tell the level of pain costs the same...might as well fill our bags with as much wisdom as we can take with us before we check out of this store! (hopefully our WS will do the same).

God be with us all.

bloodstream posted 8/6/2013 09:18 AM

what great ideas you all have given me... i can't thank you enough. i will be able to use all of these ideas and insights to better explain (or not, and let him know he needs to do his own research!) my pain.

the idea of a likening it to a physical injury that leaves a scar is very helpful... it heals, but leaves a permanent scar... a reminder of the injury that will never completely go away. the pain becomes less sever, but twinges remain.

and writing things down is a good idea too. i am much better able to communicate when not in an upset emotional state.... i need to remember that.

i am so sorry we are all here, but i could not be more thankful to all of you for sharing. it helps so much. i have been in IC since my first dday in june 2011 and i swear i learn more here than in IC.....

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