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krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 15:45 PM

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this question, only because I am not serparating or divorcing just quite yet.

If I get divorced, I plan to keep my WH's last name. It's my daughter's last name, and honestly I don't really want to be associated with my FOO either. My current last name is the lesser of 2 evils, and it won't require me to go do all the name-changing crap I had to deal with after I got married.

My question is, does my future x-WH get a say in this? My first thought would be no - he gave me the damn name when he married me, it's my choice whether I want to keep it or not. But I've been very... squishy as far as he's concerned lately. Being concerned about his feelings when I shouldn't be. I've never been divorced (hell, I've only been married two years!), and I don't know what the social norms are.

Thanks in advance!

miadianna posted 8/5/2013 15:51 PM

I understand. I kept my married name because I had it for 25 years and by then, it was our "family" name and I didn't associate with XH at all. My kids have it, it's "our" name. My maiden name is German and my name now is Italian and just goes better with my first name. XH had no say in the matter. I never talked to him after he moved out and didn't care what he thought about it. It's now "my" name.

In the final divorce papers, it says you can now go back to your maiden name if desired but I think you have a certain amount of time and then there is a court fee if you decided to go back to your maiden name.

It's such a hassle to change it after half a lifetime.

gma56 posted 8/5/2013 16:21 PM

I kept my married name. It had been mine for 26 yrs and only had my maiden name 16 yrs so it is who I am at this point in my life.

Judge asked at final court appearance if I wanted to change and I said no. FT had no say if I kept it or not.This was in CA. He never said that he didn't like if I kept it. Not that it would have mattered to me.
He remarried within a couple months.

mom of 2 posted 8/5/2013 16:28 PM

My question is, does my future x-WH get a say in this?

Nope. You can keep it or change it.

edited for typo

[This message edited by mom of 2 at 4:29 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 16:29 PM

I kept "mine" too. It's a connection to our children and I've already been asked the horrible questions-"same last name?" on forms and doctor's offices.

It's also something I can keep from changing when everything else is.

It comes up on the forms, at least where I live and is a line item almost hidden in the beginning papers. Have to be on your toes, though, because I know a few friends who didn't want to keep their married names but missed the chance when the forms came.

My mother changed hers so many times that once in the ER, I couldn't locate which room was hers, because forms were filled with her two married names and her maiden name! Now it's lol but wasn't at the time.

She changed her first married name when she kept getting mixed up with her MIL, who had all the same initials and was witchy to her. Then, on a job, she ended up the woman's nurse! (Sorry to veer off, just kind of funny).

And in a different way, I had a good relationship with my MIL and want the connection with her memory. I feel like 20 years deserves the honor and that she would be in approval.

Also, I hate spelling and explaining the death out of my maiden name...haha.

tryingagain74 posted 8/5/2013 16:29 PM

I kept mine. Your STBX has absolutely no say in it. In fact, in my situation, there are now two Mrs. XWHs since he married the OW, but MY children also have that name, so I decided to keep it. My DS #1 was relieved-- he was afraid that I'd revert solely to my maiden name. I think that, to him, it's like we wouldn't be related anymore.

I would only change it if I got remarried, but the odds of that are... well, I will probably win Powerball first!

ButterflyGirl posted 8/5/2013 16:45 PM

He gets no say in what you decide.

My POS is a complete asshole, and sometimes he calls me "Mr. <maiden name>" in emails since he says he doesn't want me having his last name.

For my kids is the only reason I would keep it, but I don't really like either my married or maiden name. I might just go with "butterfly" or "buttercup" or something fun. Pretty sure you can change it to whatever you want..

krazy8516 posted 8/5/2013 16:50 PM

I would only change it if I got remarried, but the odds of that are... well, I will probably win Powerball first!

My H keeps saying, "You are young enough, you can find somebody else who will treat you how you deserve to be treated." This pisses me off to no end. I thought he would be that person, and I'm pretty sure he's ruined my trust in anyone... forever. But time will tell.

Snapdragon posted 8/5/2013 17:01 PM

He has no say. He cannot compel you to keep it or change it.

I changed my last name and picked one *I* wanted. I didn't want to be connected to my ex or my father. Ironically, my ex was quite upset! We didn't even have kids. I guess he was insulted.

Do whatever you want. If he bitches just tell him that it is YOUR business. End any further conversation.

hurtbs posted 8/5/2013 17:52 PM

does my future x-WH

Nope. There are many stories in here about exWH's getting pissed off that their exWives won't change their names - especially if the OW is raising a stink because they want to be the new Mrs. No-good-loser-cheater.

It's your decision.

miadianna posted 8/5/2013 18:48 PM

There are many stories in here about exWH's getting pissed off that their exWives won't change their names - especially if the OW is raising a stink because they want to be the new Mrs. No-good-loser-cheater.

My mom says "If you want to be first, be first!" Don't know exactly what she means but it's about when second wives get mad because first wives had their kids and their long marriage and all of those memories, I think.

Too bad, it's "your" name, not his. If she doesn't want to share it, marry someone who hasn't been married yet. Simple.

dmari posted 8/5/2013 20:21 PM

I am so lucky because in my stbx's settlement offer he is allowing me to go back to my maiden name ! As if I needed his opinion. LOL!

So back to your question, it's totally up to you what you want to do with your last name. My stbx "thinks" he has a say in it but he is an idiot.

My kids and I were talking about when the divorce is final, I will go back to my maiden name. I know they would prefer that we all have the same last name so we were thinking about changing our last name to our cat's last name ... FluffyBottoms! problem solved.

Sparkles posted 8/5/2013 21:06 PM

I really wish I could take back my maiden name, but I'm stuck with my married name because I don't want the confusion with the kids.

I have sort of hinted around with them about hyphenating all of our last names. I just don't know... they have had so many changes in the last 4 months I hate to add to their stress.

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