SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hurtininHouston posted 8/5/2013 16:16 PM

This is one of those days where things have been going great and then fall apart quickly. My anger is taking hold and I can't seem to let it go. It's been four months and I've been working on acceptance. But now again feel I'm back at square one. And it's all because of my thoughts and my obsession. It's actually truly nothing she specifically done other than me letting it get to me. Acceptance and resignation is the biggest hurdle that I seem to face. Basically the same rant that every other person on here seems to have. I guess I just need to get mine off my chest too. I know that every time I throw it at her and bring it up she hurts just as much as I do. I really don't want to be part of this club anymore. :(
H

kansas1968 posted 8/5/2013 16:24 PM

Well, you are just unfortunately going to have lots of these days. You are way too early in the process to do anything else.
In the early months after dday I think the main, overriding, feeling is of exaustion. You are so tired of thinking about it, trying to rationalize it, trying to make sense of it, trying to forget it, trying to forgive, to accept, to do ANYTHING to stop the pain.

Yes, she is hurting, but you can't push down how you are feeling to try and save her from feeling bad. That anger that you push down will just erupt sometime later.

Keep posting. Try talking to your wife about the affair when you are calm and so is she. Keep the talks relatively short, maybe half an hour, and cut them off sooner if they are getting too emotional.
If you can do that, then she will start talking to you more often.

I hope both of you are in counselling. It helps a lot.

We all know your pain, rage, sorrow, and your exaustion. It does get better.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/5/2013 19:10 PM

Hey, I am sorry you find yourself here. I am sorry we all find ourselves here. It is a long and bumpy road. But we can survive it. There will be good days and a lot of bad days. But the bad gets less and less. There is a saying around here that you have to feel it to heal it.

Try not to bottle it up. Talk about what you are feeling. Let it out. Talk to us. Talk to your wife. Talk to an IC. Talk to any friends you feel comfortable with.

There is another saying around here. Its a marathon not a sprint. You can't rush the acceptance or the healing. It will come with time and work.

Hang in there. It does get easier.

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 20:41 PM

I don't know if this will help any, but I do some little thinking things to work towards acceptance, that I made up myself. Mine and our daughter's entire lives are changing because of what nearly ExH did and there has been a massive amount to accept.

When I started to think of acceptance as a journey, it helped. It's part of every day for me now, a little at a time, or a process. Sometimes I've gone so far as to give myself a small reward, also, even if it's not spending money...one more tv show, one more piece of candy, two minutes longer to get up in the morning...it's moving slowly and being gentle on ourselves.

I haven't read your profile, I'm sorry, but my spouse has been gone now for a year and a half. For a little background he never told me himself that he wasn't returning, so acceptance was a long time to come...it's still not all there.

Part of it for me is to do a lot of realizing. Opening my mind to new thinking, opening the box I used to think in and making it bigger. When I let myself realize things about current day life, it's very slowly helped me to accept...I have not forgiven and don't know if I can, but I've begun to accept in very small steps.

One realization is that I had many things to detach from and this is part of it that helped, sort of like a level or rung on the ladder. I had to accept that I am not a married person anymore and my future is not what I spent 20 years working towards...it was ripped away in a most cruel way.

I've had to realize that the person I thought I knew is actually not who I knew and basically the one I knew, died...the body lives on but is another person altogether. Strange, huh? I've heard the term "pod person" before, when a spouse has an affair.

I'm sorry for the long note and hope anything I wrote helps. There are other things I work on with my thinking towards acceptance, if you want to hear them.

The thing is...life goes on, somehow. The days keep coming, the sun keeps rising and life continues on. I've had to have talks with myself also, about how many more days I will let that man ruin and it's helped me to have more periods of better times.