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ntexashunny posted 8/5/2013 17:03 PM

my husband told me yesterday that he wanted to leave me for another woman. i kinda had that gut feeling about it but ignored it. thinking i needed to just trust because after 8 years why wouldn't or couldn't i trust him, right. this was a shock to me really he was still being not just sexual but also intimate with me in the previous days. he says he is in love with this other woman after only knowing her for 4 months. and that he loves me but is in love with her. so he packed one bag of clothes gave me a hug and a kiss told me he loved me and left. i'm a little lost and broken and not sure what i should do or how to go about doing it. i just love him

1Faith posted 8/5/2013 17:31 PM

I am sorry you have found yourself to our club. A club no one ever thought they'd find themselves a member of.

Please know this is a safe place filled with kind and caring people.

Most of us share the experience of dealing with infidelity. Over 40,000 people and sadly growing.

So often the spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair hear that the WS is "in love" with the OP.

Thus the BS experiences an anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. " Soulmates" - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.

But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.

The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous.

As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things.

Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person.

Your WH is not living in reality. He is living in a fantasy world that is safe, fun and no responsibilities. Know this.

And please know that his choosing to have an affair had nothing to do with you. NOTHING. His choice to cheat and lie. His, not yours.

I am sure there is a lot going on in your mind. Post often, ask anything. We are here and you matter.

Did you WH indicate what he wants to happen next?

Deep breaths and take one day at a time.

(((hugs & prayers)))

Ashland13 posted 8/5/2013 20:29 PM

I'm very sorry, NTH.

You heard words from your WH that are the same as I did and it is truly shocking. It reminds me of a horror movie and takes time to go through various stages that you may experience in the time to follow.

It is a journey, in my mind, that we are thrust on and a feeling of being very out of sorts.

I'm sorry too that he was still intimate with you during this time, it wasn't fair of him and was disrespectful to you, in my opinion.

Yes, as Faith1 says, one of the hardest parts of all for me was to try to understand that the issues and problems aren't all our faults but are oftentimes problems a person has. For instance, my nearly ex-husband thinks that by changing people he keeps with him, he can solve problems that way, when the problems often are within him - not without.

I wish you well and some peace in the days and nights to come.

ntexashunny posted 8/5/2013 22:23 PM

why, why do i have to be the one hurting and broken when he was the wrong one here? and if i did nothing wrong why does it feel that way

myperfectlife posted 8/5/2013 22:29 PM

(((nth)))
So sorry you are going through this.
But I am so glad you found this site! I didn't find it until several months in and it could have saved me a lot of heartache and worry.
Stay and listen, these folks hav a lot of wise words.
For now, stay hydrated, try to get some exercise if you can and don't obsess about him if you can help it. Take this time to think about you and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
A typical affair is just a false bubble that the wayward spouse is enjoying. It's doubtful that he really even knows her, much less loves the REAL her. And she probably doesn't know him well either.
You will get through this.
SI is here to help.

bufffalo posted 8/6/2013 09:51 AM

hunny....

Welcome to SI...Have you read the "healing library"?? Its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen....please do...Yes, the whole thing...then read it again....

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

1Faith posted 8/6/2013 10:12 AM

and if i did nothing wrong why does it feel that way

Because you are devastated and hurt (understandably so).

Right now your world has been turned upside down and sideways all at once. Up is down, left is right and red is blue.

Nothing feels real or feels right. You are in shock.

Deep breaths. One day at a time.

Please, please please get into IC. You need assistance in helping guide your through this.

We are here.

(((hugs)))

Jospehine85 posted 8/6/2013 10:25 AM

(((ntexashunng)))

Please read everything you can in the Healing Library. Keep reading the forums and you will see you are not alone and that what you are feeling is NORMAL.

TODAY, PLEASE GO SEE A LAWYER. This is so important. Your WH is in lala-land right now. You MUST make sure that you protect yourself financially. You know nothing about this OW. She may be using your WH for money. It is very important that you get legal documents filed so you are not responsible for ANY debt he may incur while he is with her.

If he goes and signs a lease on an expensive property you do not want to be held liable.

So today, you MUST see a lawyer.

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