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FeelingSoMuch posted 8/5/2013 17:14 PM

We met at a young age and married young. My wife was in her late teens when we met and early 20s when we married.

Twelve years later she had a nine-month A. As far as I know (and now I question everything), I was the only guy she had ever been with.

I sometimes wonder if the A wasn't curiosity about what it'd be like with somebody else. Given that it was a stress-free A, no bills, no chores, no worries (other than avoiding their spouses), it must've felt good and that escape from reality must've contributed to the length of the A.

Not that she gets a pass for marrying me at a young age, but I wonder if anyone else in this situation attributed marrying young to their spouse's A and found a way to have peace with it. I'm in terrible pain.


dameia posted 8/5/2013 17:49 PM

My WH and I began dating at 18 and were M at 21.

He was my first and only. I was not his first, but I should have been his last.

I think that age probably played a factor in his multiple A's. Some young people are incapable of making good decisions or thinking beyond themselves.

Of course, I was M at 21 and I never had an A. I had a lot of opportunities to, but never did, because I know what's right and what's wrong. So although age may have been a contributing factor, it's still a bullshit answer as to why.

I haven't come to peace with it yet, so I can't help you there.

[This message edited by dameia at 5:51 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

MylarPineapples posted 8/5/2013 17:52 PM

Well, when we got married I was almost 19 and my WH was 26. I was his second wife (divorced his first wife after she had an A). I've never screwed around. So while getting married young might contribute for some people, I really don't think it is a direct cause.

Holly-Isis posted 8/5/2013 17:57 PM

MrH was my first kiss. We were 18yo, 20yo when we M.

I was his 5th sexual partner.

He has since added other kisses, other sexual partners.

Maybe it has to do with curiosity for some WSs, but you make that choice not to indulge when you say your vows. It all comes down to selfishness. Thinking you can indulge in whatever despite any agreement to monogamy made with the person in your life you're supposed to focus on.

GabyBaby posted 8/5/2013 18:03 PM

XWH and I were 18 (almost 19) when we got married.
Neither of us were virgins nor were either of us whorish either.

I didn't cheat on him though.

Curiosity about what's out there is all well and good, but a wedding vow is a wedding vow. He was (and still is) a selfish person, though it is a lot easier for me to recognize that now.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/5/2013 18:29 PM

XWH came up with a bunch of excuses at the time of discovery. Getting married too young was one of the things he mentioned, I was 19 and he was 21. But at the time of the A we were married 18 years. I feel like the statute of limitation on that excuse was met sometime prior to that. He was bored, he had the opportunity, he is weak, he is a compulsive liar and lacks character and self esteem. In my eyes, the only thing our young ages affected was my ability to see him for what he was alot sooner, because I was inexperienced.

solus sto posted 8/5/2013 19:13 PM

I started dating my husband when I was 16 and he was 17. We dated for over 8 years before marrying; I though we knew each other well.

We were young---I really think, given the lifespans of humans now, that marrying in the early 20s is impossibly young!--but that wasn't the real problem.

The problem is that I knew my husband as an adolescent----and while I grew up, he remained adolescent. And I didn't really see this for a very long time. (He is profoundly personality disordered, and a very good actor.)

miadianna posted 8/5/2013 19:22 PM

Not for me. My XH was 26 when we got married and he told me he was very wild in college and had sex with a lot of girls after parties, etc. Some he didn't even know the name of. I was young and naive I guess and those those days were over and happy he "got it out of his system" and wanted to settle down with a "good girl." Logical thinking but was not to be.

I should say I do think he has an undiagnosed and unrecognized SA problem, even suggested by the OW he is with now but he's done nothing about it.

hurtbs posted 8/5/2013 19:27 PM

But here's teh thing Feelings - you also married young. You wre in the same marriage. You did not feel the need to mess around due to "curiosity."

Even if that was her reason, it demonstrates some serious immaturity and lack of coping on her part. Those are the real "reasons" behind an affair. Lots of people marry young, are in bad marriages, are with abusers, are unhappy, are sexually frustrated, are (fill in the affair excuse here) and do not cheat. Some choose to stay and be miserable, find other outs, try to fix the marriage, get divorced, or a myriad of other ways to address the issue.
Does that make sense?

traicionada posted 8/5/2013 19:33 PM

XH & I dated for 3 years in high school and we got married freshman year in college. We were married for 7 years before I discovered his As. For a long time, I blamed myself for marrying too young but after lots of IC I came to realize that we were both young and I never ever thought about being with anyone other than XH

BAMAC posted 8/5/2013 20:12 PM

My wife and I married at 25. I was her first, she wasn't mine. I don't think it influenced her decision to have an affair, but I guess I don't really know. She never used it as an excuse, though.

mysticpenguin posted 8/5/2013 20:44 PM

Married young. WH had already had dozens of sexual partners; i'd had 3 including him. He cheated. I didn't, and I know my soul and my own ironclad boundaries and upbringing and know I never will.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 2:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

tryingagain74 posted 8/5/2013 21:29 PM

We met when I was 19, and he was 20. We got married when I was 23, and he was 24. He was my first and only, and I supposedly was his as well (though who knows... could be a load of bunk).

We were together for 17 years when he had his A (again, assuming that he was totally faithful to me prior to that... I'll never know). I didn't cheat or contemplate cheating.

I agree with what solus sto said, and I think this is the reason that my XWH cheated:

The problem is that I knew my husband as an adolescent----and while I grew up, he remained adolescent.

I think a lot of it is about maturity and growing up. A grown-up talks about her problems and seeks positive ways to help herself, like counseling. An eternal teenager wants to risk take and doesn't want to consider the consequences. The fact that my XWH never used condoms while having sex with a woman he met on Ashley Madison pretty much confirms that idea.

Feeling, you mentioned that the A was your WW's "escape from reality." I think that proves my point. She didn't read a fun book or go enjoy a good movie. That's how grown-ups temporarily escape their realities if life gets tough. She did something thoughtless and destructive because she needs to grow up, which is about her lack of maturity, not because she married too young.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:31 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

myperfectlife posted 8/5/2013 22:07 PM

We married young. I'd been with 3 people, he'd been with 1.
He often wondered what it would be like with someone else.
I think part of him rationalized that he was owed more partners...but in the end he did it because he was sad, lonely, bored, wanted change or out of the M, oh...and he just WANTED to.
But I do regret marrying so young. It was my second marriage and both of my husbands have cheated on me.
Gotta fix me too.

Ostrich80 posted 8/6/2013 02:24 AM

Ws and I dated in hi school. He was my first but I wasn't his. I never felt like I was missing out on experiences
with other men. I don't think it makes a difference but is used a lot as an excuse when caught cheating.

16forever posted 8/6/2013 03:13 AM

When I got married I was 16 actully 2 weeks after my 16 th birthday he was 21 we have been married 18 yrs I never once wanted to be with anyone else sexually , it just was never something I wanted he wasn't my first he was my second but I say he was my first because I loved him with every bit of my heart he was the one not ready to stick with one person as I found out during the A he had he started being unfaithful probly 2-3 years after we married and it continued till my son was14 mos old so I was very young but I knew what staying faithful ment and I came from a divorced very messed up home life to much drinking drugs and a absent dad and well my mom not any better than my dad she signed the papers for us to get married my H family while it had sum issues his parents are still married he had a great home life so age doesn't mean nuthin

FeelingSoMuch posted 8/6/2013 07:41 AM

Thanks for the responses. I'm asking the question because I switched to a new IC and our MC talked to him about our case (with my permission) before my first session.

During the introduction one of the first things he mentioned he knew about me is that we married young. He brought that up even before he mentioned my WW's A.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm wondering if our MC therapist is focused on the age we married. I have to ask her in our next session this Friday.

My WW still works with her AP. This really, really bothers me. I'm not asking her to quit her job, but I want her to ask her boss to make sure they don't interact for work reasons. I think this is fair, given that they had an LTA.

My WW won't do it, says it would ruin her career. Our MC says as long as my wife has 'NC' with the AP, it's OK for them to work in the same office, on the same floor. She says I need to learn how to trust again -- at five frigging months after d-day!!

I trust this MC. She's supposedly very good (and pricey). Is she thrown by my wife and I marrying young? What I expected her to push for when we first went to see her was for her to tell my wife she must establish full NC, including visual contact, etc. She said that on our first session, now does not push for it anymore.

She's also my WW's IC.

hopefullromantic posted 8/6/2013 10:05 AM

We met when we were 15 and married at 19. Onlies for us both.

That was one of my first questions too. He said it was not a factor, having married too young. I guess curiosity may have played a role, but after 27 yrs of happy marriage you could still be curious for something new.

Besides, it doesn't explain all of the other people here who did not marry young, were not onlies, some of them even married before. Your wife could even tell you it was a factor, but really, it may not have made any difference.

sparklezombie posted 8/6/2013 10:15 AM

We met when I was 16, he was 17, and married when I was 21. We were each other's firsts. I do think that it somehow was a factor for his infidelity - if only because he had issues/baggage he brought into the marriage that were definitely not acknowledged or resolved when we got married.

That said, I've never wanted to be with someone else even though we married young.

myperfectlife posted 8/6/2013 15:17 PM

I think marrying young might make it harder for some people to "grow up" as adults on their own.
I definitely think my STBX needs to grow up. He never lived alone and I had-before we married.
Also, marrying young might make the marriage dynamics more intertwined and therefore, the explosion that much worse when it does come.
I don't think everyone that marries young will cheat of course.
But your MC should be focusing on the real issues. Marrying young could be a contributing factor, but it's not the REASON why anyone cheats. IMO.

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