Twelve years later she had a nine-month A. As far as I know (and now I question everything), I was the only guy she had ever been with.
I sometimes wonder if the A wasn't curiosity about what it'd be like with somebody else. Given that it was a stress-free A, no bills, no chores, no worries (other than avoiding their spouses), it must've felt good and that escape from reality must've contributed to the length of the A.
Not that she gets a pass for marrying me at a young age, but I wonder if anyone else in this situation attributed marrying young to their spouse's A and found a way to have peace with it. I'm in terrible pain.
He was my first and only. I was not his first, but I should have been his last.
I think that age probably played a factor in his multiple A's. Some young people are incapable of making good decisions or thinking beyond themselves.
Of course, I was M at 21 and I never had an A. I had a lot of opportunities to, but never did, because I know what's right and what's wrong. So although age may have been a contributing factor, it's still a bullshit answer as to why.
I haven't come to peace with it yet, so I can't help you there.
[This message edited by dameia at 5:51 PM, August 5th (Monday)]
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
I was his 5th sexual partner.
He has since added other kisses, other sexual partners.
Maybe it has to do with curiosity for some WSs, but you make that choice not to indulge when you say your vows. It all comes down to selfishness. Thinking you can indulge in whatever despite any agreement to monogamy made with the person in your life you're supposed to focus on.
I didn't cheat on him though.
Curiosity about what's out there is all well and good, but a wedding vow is a wedding vow. He was (and still is) a selfish person, though it is a lot easier for me to recognize that now.
STBX WH#2 (SorryInSac) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Together 7, married 4yrs
He's drunk by 5pm DAILY.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
We were young---I really think, given the lifespans of humans now, that marrying in the early 20s is impossibly young!--but that wasn't the real problem.
The problem is that I knew my husband as an adolescent----and while I grew up, he remained adolescent. And I didn't really see this for a very long time. (He is profoundly personality disordered, and a very good actor.)
I should say I do think he has an undiagnosed and unrecognized SA problem, even suggested by the OW he is with now but he's done nothing about it.
Even if that was her reason, it demonstrates some serious immaturity and lack of coping on her part. Those are the real "reasons" behind an affair. Lots of people marry young, are in bad marriages, are with abusers, are unhappy, are sexually frustrated, are (fill in the affair excuse here) and do not cheat. Some choose to stay and be miserable, find other outs, try to fix the marriage, get divorced, or a myriad of other ways to address the issue.
Does that make sense?
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 2:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
We were together for 17 years when he had his A (again, assuming that he was totally faithful to me prior to that... I'll never know). I didn't cheat or contemplate cheating.
I agree with what solus sto said, and I think this is the reason that my XWH cheated:
The problem is that I knew my husband as an adolescent----and while I grew up, he remained adolescent.
I think a lot of it is about maturity and growing up. A grown-up talks about her problems and seeks positive ways to help herself, like counseling. An eternal teenager wants to risk take and doesn't want to consider the consequences. The fact that my XWH never used condoms while having sex with a woman he met on Ashley Madison pretty much confirms that idea.
Feeling, you mentioned that the A was your WW's "escape from reality." I think that proves my point. She didn't read a fun book or go enjoy a good movie. That's how grown-ups temporarily escape their realities if life gets tough. She did something thoughtless and destructive because she needs to grow up, which is about her lack of maturity, not because she married too young.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:31 PM, August 5th (Monday)]
During the introduction one of the first things he mentioned he knew about me is that we married young. He brought that up even before he mentioned my WW's A.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm wondering if our MC therapist is focused on the age we married. I have to ask her in our next session this Friday.
My WW still works with her AP. This really, really bothers me. I'm not asking her to quit her job, but I want her to ask her boss to make sure they don't interact for work reasons. I think this is fair, given that they had an LTA.
My WW won't do it, says it would ruin her career. Our MC says as long as my wife has 'NC' with the AP, it's OK for them to work in the same office, on the same floor. She says I need to learn how to trust again -- at five frigging months after d-day!!
I trust this MC. She's supposedly very good (and pricey). Is she thrown by my wife and I marrying young? What I expected her to push for when we first went to see her was for her to tell my wife she must establish full NC, including visual contact, etc. She said that on our first session, now does not push for it anymore.
She's also my WW's IC.
That was one of my first questions too. He said it was not a factor, having married too young. I guess curiosity may have played a role, but after 27 yrs of happy marriage you could still be curious for something new.
Besides, it doesn't explain all of the other people here who did not marry young, were not onlies, some of them even married before. Your wife could even tell you it was a factor, but really, it may not have made any difference.
That said, I've never wanted to be with someone else even though we married young.