SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ammare888 posted 8/5/2013 17:18 PM

This is my first post. I have been lurking since D-Day, the 30th. I thought that I was doing okay, I mean completely torn apart, but okay. Yesterday depression hit and I'm having an even harder time today. I don't know how to survive this and am feeling like I don't want to. I've lost 10 pounds since D-Day and want it to keep going until I disappear.

I have to get myself together because we have a 4 year old son. I just can't. I can't do this. I don't know how to stop my thoughts right now. I feel like I'm going crazy.

kg201 posted 8/5/2013 17:26 PM

Hi,

Like you I found out last week, and likewise I can't stop thinking about it. It is so obsessive, and I feel horrible that I can't stop it. The only thing that has helped is talking. I have talked to my therapist twice. I just got off the phone with my college roommate. Even talking with my WW has helped (although I wish I wasn't so dependent on it right now).

So my only advice right now is to think about who you might be able to confide in. I wish you luck.

K

1Faith posted 8/5/2013 17:38 PM

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better.

You will be OK just not for a some time.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support.

You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through.

We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.

We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.

I hope you share the rest of your story. I also hope your WH has come to his senses and is working to repair the immense damage he has done.

For now, please take good care of you.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot.

It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want. I have been right where you are, in all that pain, with all the confusion, anger and shame, never thinking for a minute that I would survive...but I did.

You are not alone. You owe your son your love. Hug him, cherish him.

(((many hugs and prayers)))

Ammare888 posted 8/5/2013 17:52 PM

Thank you 1Faith.

Thank you for your last sentences about my son also. I needed to hear that. I need to be his mom. I need to at least do that right now.

I don't have a therapist and the thought of trying to find one right now seems overwhelming. My WH has gotten himself into IC and went to his first appointment today. I will try to go soon. He is actually doing all the things that I have read on here are good for R. I'm scared to try for that and have him do this to me again. I feel absolutely crazy and yes I would describe it as PTSD. It is even hard for me to be in public right now.

My story:

We have been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old son. The week after we returned from our honeymoon I discovered I had a life-threatening brain stem tumor. 10 months later it was removed in a surgery that wasn't supposed to have a very good chance of working, but I would have died without it. I came through with no problems. It was rough, but what I saw with him during that time was someone I thought would never hurt me and would always be there for me.

WH has been lying to me for a few years now. It is online affairs. I would find things every once in a while and call him out and he would lie and I would accept it and move on. Last Tuesday I found something and had had enough and was able to reset his messenger account and log in. I spoke to a few OW. One of them gave me all the details and sent me messages including ones where he said he loved her and they were planning to meet. He had online sexual relationships with them all. It was an everyday thing. He also talked on the phone with some of them. He is not living here with me now although he did stay the night last night because I was in a really bad place. He wants to reconcile. I think from what I have read that he is out of the fog and is remorseful. I'm just so destroyed by this. I never thought he would do this to me.

1Faith posted 8/5/2013 18:03 PM

(((hugs)))

Did he ever meet up with any of them?

I am glad he is in IC. He needs to do a deep dive to understand the HOW and the WHY he allowed himself to cheat.

You will need this to begin to start to heal. It is a process.

I totally understand your devastation. It is normal.

Try to do something small everyday. A walk, reading to your son, something. You need to move forward just a bit at a time.

Let us know how we can help. We are here.

You will be in for a long hard road but you can find your equilibrium again. And you will be okay.

Channel your mother lion and do the right thing for your son. Be brave even when you think you can't stand another minute.

Deep breaths and know that we are all here rooting you on.

(((hugs)))

Jospehine85 posted 8/5/2013 18:56 PM

(((Ammare888)))

Go in and get yourself tested for STDs.

No wayward admits to everything. Ever. The chances are very, very great that he has met up with other women and had sex.

Ammare888 posted 8/5/2013 19:18 PM

We had been going through recent fertility treatments, so we have both had a recent full STD panel, thank God.

I really hope I don't find out anything more. I can't take it.

Ammare888 posted 8/5/2013 19:27 PM

I have been going for long walks everyday. I feel stronger on those walks. Saturday I was able to get out and hiked one of the biggest mountains around here. That was a pretty good day. I felt stronger after. It's when I'm at home that is unbearable and unfortunately I work
from home. I get to be home all alone all day with my thoughts. I considered taking a few days off.

[This message edited by Ammare888 at 7:43 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

womaninflux posted 8/5/2013 19:43 PM

Hi. I am sorry you are going through this...It's terrible. I would not wish it on anyone.

It's a very hard thing to experience. It will get better...just focus on getting through one day, one hour, one minute at a time for now. Take care of yourself...get some support - therapist, marriage counseling (if you both want to embark on it...and it can be helpful even if you choose to separate because you can focus on being good co parents).

LA44 posted 8/5/2013 20:13 PM

((Ammare888)) I really feel for you and reading your post I remember those first horrible weeks. You can think of nothing else. It is hard to eat, sleep and do the things that are usually so easy.

I got out of bed everyday and I urge you to do the same. Find a good friend to speak with along with a therapist.

Do not make any big decisions right now. You are running on empty and emotions. Not a good combo.

I know its hard to eat but eat well, stay hydrated, hug that little boy of yours. And if you have a family member or friend who can take him for a bit then get some solo time.

I recall there is a chapter in the book, After the Affair by Janis A Spring about Cyber Affairs.

Things will get better. Just take it one hour at a time.

I am glad to hear your H is in IC and is showing remorse.

Check out the Healing Library. There are some good articles in there for both of you.

All the best.
LA
ps: We did fertility treatments 7 years in to our marriage. It is a very stressful time.