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I think he lost his job

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caregiver9000 posted 8/5/2013 18:54 PM

I am stuck. I typed the title and then sat here with my thoughts spinning.

The voices in my head give such good advice and counter everything I want to whine and complain about. It's not fair!!

So if I muzzle my common sense and just type it all out really fast?

I think Stretch lost his job. CS payments are garnished and were for a few months falling within a predictable schedule. Late, but regular schedule. Then a few erratic payments and now nothing for six weeks.

Financially this is a minor bump. I had to figure it out without CS and not having it is not putting me in a bad place. A tight budget, but a liveable budget.

But the job itself is one of the things that I use to reassure myself that he is "being managed." That the crazy might not come out to play. As often. See, I JUST assured the kids' therapist that despite all the danger indicators "right now" things were "ok" because ..... EVEN though he and OW broke up, they still rented a place together. He just moved out of the camper into a house, with rent, and bills, and a yard. (The voice in my head is saying of course these could have triggered his instability. He can't meet responsibility...)

And I believe that the job (structure) and the OW (expectations) manage him. The pillars of his stability are so important to me because I don't have to be so hyper vigilant when I expect he has even superficial boundaries in place.

Damn it.

When he and OW moved back to my home state I went through this because now he was "here" and I had to be aware and he could suddenly be in my driveway, or stalk me again. I adjusted. Did some things (like move) that gave a small measure of distance and peace.

I feel like I have my own threat level system and I hate having to raise it.

I will take hugs.

inconnu posted 8/5/2013 18:57 PM

(((cg))) any possibility he got another job but didn't set up/notify anyone about the CS garnishment?

Nature_Girl posted 8/5/2013 18:57 PM

UGH! (((HUGS)))

We should raise our glasses & toast our respective threat levels.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/5/2013 18:58 PM


devistatedmom posted 8/5/2013 18:58 PM


Can you call the support office and ask why the non payments? Even though you think you know, you can find out through them without having to interact with him?


FaithFool posted 8/5/2013 19:04 PM


hexed posted 8/5/2013 19:08 PM


caregiver9000 posted 8/5/2013 19:18 PM

(((cg))) any possibility he got another job but didn't set up/notify anyone about the CS garnishment?

My first response was

He would have to be motivated to get another job. I don't think he is late enough with CSE to warrant anything more than a warning yet. The arrears from 2 + years was rolled into the order so he is not as far behind legally as he could be. It is also possible that the lack of consequences before has him lulled into some belief that nothing will happen. And that saying he lost his job will get him a "pass."

I will call. I am sure he forgot to tell them his new address too... Unfortunately, my anxiety is not about the money as much as it is the indication that he is coming apart. More pressure from CSE could make it worse unless it inspired him to work. Of course being told what to do is more likely to inspire him to blame me, and plot ways to get even.

inconnu posted 8/5/2013 19:23 PM

My first response was

okay, so I didn't really think it was a possibility. But I wanted to think positively, for you. At least I made you laugh.

Dreamboat posted 8/5/2013 19:28 PM


All their secrets and manipulations to keep us from knowing about their life is crazy making. They do not realize or do not care that their stupid ass shit actually does affect us and our kids. And WE have to deal with the fallout with the kids and finances.

You cannot control if he comes apart, but you can try to shield the kids (fuck, why is that OUR job??!!) I cannot recall how old your kiddos are, but if they are old enough then they can see the crazy too. And so you can teach them ways to shield themselves.

I hope this post is coherent (I wonder whenever I cuss too much, but damn that asshole pisses me off!)

Be strong

caregiver9000 posted 8/5/2013 19:32 PM


It made perfect sense to me, but I am not sure that guarantees it is coherent.

I am comforted by the show of support. And the cussing is strangely reassuring too! Boy, my life has changed.

I will take the laughs ladies. Wherever I can get them. I have sent an email to the kids' therapist. We'll all be prepared. As best we can. And yes, WHY is that my job? Because I was stupid enough to partner up with crazy. Dammit.

Kajem posted 8/6/2013 02:58 AM


Helen of Troy posted 8/6/2013 08:35 AM

I wish I had the ultimate words of support or helpful information for you, but just know someone else cares!
It is so not fair.
What the other poster said, call up where CS is garnished and ask. Is it possible his hours were short, or, that there is an error in their system somewhere? It might set your mind at ease a little, plus you have a right to know.
((CG))) if I ever get a break from school or finish school in this lifetime, a trip to Cgville2009 is on the agenda.
You've been a huge source of support and strength on this forum.

[This message edited by will get by at 8:36 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Mommato4 posted 8/6/2013 12:01 PM

I'm sorry.

I really have no words of wisdom as I'm going through this too. Mine gave me a heads up though but it's all because I didn't when he was served with CS modification papers the week before.

It's maddening.

Kajem posted 8/6/2013 12:19 PM

I am praying that OW is good at managing him.

You do realize this worrywart will be looking for your daily posts.

Sending light, love and hugs


caregiver9000 posted 8/6/2013 14:01 PM

Today I am tired. Just tired. I can't imagine a return to adrenaline filled short sleep wake up startled, my skin hurts and my hair vibrates and a lifetime of worry exists between the ticks of the clock.

Then I feel guilty because I just don't want to care that much, but other people are worrying for me. I am grateful that I am worth the worry! But I can't muster the level of attention. I just want to go back to bed.

Somewhere inside I am angry that he still gets to yank my chain. And the refusal to be completely yanked is careless. I get that.

Somewhere inside me I am dismayed that THIS ... this mess... is my life.

But mostly I am tired. Weary. With a touch of insomnia.

I did call CSE. It "looks like" he's not working. I was "helpful" and gave them his new address. After I called I had a major panic attack.

Thank you for all the hugs. All the support. I appreciate it, and lean heavily at times.

peridot posted 8/6/2013 22:42 PM

If he lost his job and he gets unemployment I believe they can garnish that.

Nature_Girl posted 8/7/2013 02:52 AM

Somewhere inside me I am dismayed that THIS ... this mess... is my life.

Oh Honey. ((((HUGS))))

rainagain posted 8/7/2013 07:54 AM


You are stronger than you think. Just the fact that you get up and go on when this weariness and mess hits is proof of that.

You don't need him so he does not matter. You matter to you and you matter to your boys.

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