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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: Feelings ...
♀ 38900
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this thought/feeling of mine should be posted here or elsewhere. I just know I have to write and let my feelings known and someone will respond.

I have been ignoring my H for the past few days, last night, I made supper and was slowly being decent to him. This morning, same thing, good morning etc. All day he has been a bit arrogant, distant. The game-playing. I know him too well. The more I give in the less he gives. Especially after an argument.

My whole inside is broken, confused. Not sure what to say, when to say it ... Walking on thin ice. I don't feel safe near him and I don't trust him. The man I so trusted and felt he would walk through fire for me, is not there. He is not there cause I do not see him. All these doubts, all the lies.

If I bring up the subject (the sluts) he says, that is enough, lets move on. I am stuck with these thoughts on my own.

This morning, I felt great. Going to live my life according to my desires. Not his. Going to get stronger, see things clearer and go from there. But once in awhile (mins here and there) I feel confused, hurt and betrayed).

Me - 59 - I often have to remind myself of my age!
Husband - 59
DD1 April 5 2013 (a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there...I completely understand what you are saying. This is all new for me it initially came to light 2 weeks ago sat he was remorseful and I thought it was the end of it. I trusted him. Then this sat I found out that he is still in contact and seeing her. I posted the whole sordid story under " I don't know what to think". I spent all day yesterday crying and he just ignored me and like your WH says let's move on. I too feel broken and emotionally drained.. Your WH is a passive aggressive personality just like mine, and they are hell to live with sometimes. I recently read a book called the silent marriage I swear they were talking about my H. I too feel as if I am walking on eggshells or ice. I am seeing an IC on wed and will go from there. Best of luck with your journey (((hugs)))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 37439
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how horrible, that ur wh can't be decent and realise the trauma he has / is putting you through. I hope you're in IC, if not it may aide you to decide how you want to handle this.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I probably sound like a broken record to you but he is continuing to manipulate you. You feel like you are on thin ice unless you do what he wants. To rugsweep the whole thing and play the good wife and pretend that nothing ever happened or will happen. But you feel sad weak and broken when you try to do that.

Please go see a lawyer. Please make him suffer some consequences and take care of you. You deserve so much more. To be respected, to be loved, and to be happy you can have all of those things and not have him. You have to show him that, by actions not words. If he is willing to see it he may change of not then is he really worth having anyway?

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13401 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what TushNurse wrote..
I did the 180 and saw L's
In the process I found out that my WH didn't give a Rat's Ass about me..
He just didn't want to rock the boat so that I would yank him off of my medical insurance as a dependent..
I am slowly getting my ducks in a row..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still incredibly new to this situation myself, but from everything I've read if the marriage is to survive, then the WH needs to be incredibly remorseful, patient, and willing to talk with you. If he isn't doing these things, then the marriage will not survive. My guess is that he's hoping to sweep it all under the rug, which does nothing to "heal" the underlying problems in the marriage that led him to straying.

If he isn't willing to seek IC or MC, then your next step is to speak to a lawyer to see what your rights are in your individual situation. Maybe doing that will shake him awake and make him realize that you are very serious about this!

Be strong, and I wish you the best of luck.

Me (BW): 34
SAFWH (1DumbHusband): 37
Married 7 years with 2 beautiful kiddos
BIG D-Day: June 17th, 2013

Too many freaking TTs that nearly cost us our marriage; currently in reconciliation.

"Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision."

Posts: 323 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ 99
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tushnurse nailed it. He has to SEE and BELIEVE that you are prepared to move on without him. I really recommend reading "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. He addresses infidelity and disrespect in the marriage in this book, and specifically shows how not demanding respect for YOURSELF results in the spouse NOT respecting you in the marriage.

Huge HUGS...

"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Tushnurse hit the nail on the head. I might be inclined to go a step further and suggest he's not capable of what you want---but that is based on MY experience, and it's too early to tell if your husband fits the same mold.

I will tell you that I lived with a man who behaved much like yours. As long as I didn't rock the boat, things were fine. If I dutifully rug-swept, and had dinner ready, things were fine.

If I questioned him, expressed a negative feeling, had ANY expectation we would actually confront and deal with a problem, it flipped a switch. He became an icy, cruel bastard.

Even when he was ostensibly willingly and happily going along with the requirements for R--after an earlier infidelity was discovered YEARS after the fact--he was seething, and plotting, and gaining revenge. Yes, he felt entitled to REVENGE because I had the nerve to learn about his infidelities and hold him accountable----but only in the mildest of ways (because after all, "It was so LONG ago. Get over it!")

I hope you learn that you are living with a man who both wants to and is able to change.

You will never know,if you rug-sweep as he wants. You will never know if you don't hold his feet to the fire. You'll just....exist.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15343 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are married to an emotionally abusive narcissist.

You have discovered his cheating and even that is not enough to make him want to change.

Your WH does not want to change. He wants to stay the same and will bully you until you capitulate.

This will be what the rest of your life looks like if you chose to stay. You will forever walk on eggshells around him. Now you see the abuse for what it really is, you will also start to despise him.

Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to leave this situation and start a new life where you can feel inner peace.

Me - BS
WH - old
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1569 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 99
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^bumping to see how you are?^^

"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Topic Posts: 10

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