I have been lurking these forums for several weeks now. I decided to type up "My Story", but thought I should solicit help as you guys seem to be an awesome community of support.
My husband was my best friend, my rock, my everything.
He had an emotional affair back in 2007 when we first started dating. I almost left him, but he assured me he would never hurt me again. He promised me I was the love of his life and proposed in 2008. Even though I was still a little unsure and hurt, I loved him very much, and so we married in 2009.
Fast-forward a few years, one beautiful son, and some awesome memories.
And then...*sigh* I caught him talking sexually online with other women in early May 2013, and when I confronted him he promised to never do it again. He did it again TWO DAYS later! So he wrote me an apology letter and again promised me that he would "never have inappropriate contact with another woman ever again".
Two weeks later he went out of state for work training and was gone for 10 days. When he returned I looked in his phone and discovered he had inappropriate "flirty" conversations with another woman in his work class. I flipped my sh*t! So I made him start writing a promissory note: if I find out that he's done anything with anyone else -- past, present, or future -- he gives up all parental rights to our one year old son (whom he worships and adores).
That's when he broke down and confessed...for most of our relationship he has been online signed up for dating websites (he "updated" one when I was in the hospital in labor with our son), hook-up websites, and trolled Craigslist looking for "fantasy". He also confessed that in 2011 he had sex with a prostitute he found on an escort website after I woke up and went to work (this was also during the time we were trying to conceive our son). That's when we realized that perhaps he has a Sex and Love Addiction, so he started attending SAA meetings. He says he's incredibly remorseful and will work every day to keep me, to show me that he really does love me.
I'm at a point where I believe he already HAS shown me just how much he "loves" me by his actions. Most recently he came out and admitted to me that ever since he and his college girlfriend broke up, he's been looking for that same standard of attractiveness in a woman, and I guess since I'm not 20 years old anymore, he wasn't fulfilled by my attractiveness. Now, I never thought I was Miss America, but I also never thought I was UNattractive or not attractive enough!
As of August 2013 we are still together *trying* to work it out, but I have to tell you...it is hard when you're a 31 year old mom with an imperfect body, stretch marks, and don't feel that you're what your husband truly wants (especially after he's proven with his actions that he wants something "more", something "better"). He said he had unrealistic expectations because of porn and access to escort websites where he could look at and fantasize about the 20 year old form.
I ALWAYS put him on a pedastal, constantly told him he was handsome and how much I loved him. I never believed in soul-mates until I met him, and now I feel like I've let myself down for having been vulnerable to believing that stuff at all! I always put him first. I even gave up medical school for him! I side-stepped my dream of becoming a doctor so I could be a better wife to him, and give him children because that's what he said he really wanted.
The sad thing is, he's a great guy. Really, he is! Everyone that knows him just loves him. He's one of the kindest people you would ever meet. We've only told a couple of close friends and family members about this, and they wouldn't believe me unless the words came out of his mouth. And even then, it's hard to them (and even me!) to believe that it's true.
So how could he do this to me? It's so cliche...I gave him my heart and soul, and he manipulated me to get what he wanted, then took a crap all over my hopes and dreams. He says now that I am everything to him, he is totally fulfilled without the "distractions" (the porn, prostitutes, and unrealistic fantasies). But that stuff is everywhere, and so easy to access! And if I really was everything to him, why would our marriage be worth the risk for so long? It's like he's led a double life, and I don't know who this man is!
I just don't know what to do anymore. :(