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This is getting crazy-shit-scary. I'm in shock.

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burnt_toast posted 8/5/2013 21:20 PM

So after much debating with myself, I decided to meet XSO to be as clear as I can be about our breakup being permanent.

We discussed calmly and what I could see is that his head understand why he has to let go but not his heart (which is perfectly normal and conceivable). We even talked calmly about selling the condo.

Then things got weird and scary.

He proceeded to tell me that he had made a will and just signed it at the notary. That I'm the only beneficiary. Then he told me he wanted to end things. That he booked a room at the 18th floor of (specific hotel), because it has a balcony.

I made him promise not to do it. He told me that's what he hoped I'd say and he promised after many deep breaths. He showed me a farwell email he had prepared and deleted it in front of me.

Befor our meeting, I had sworn myself to refrain from wanting to help him (with advice and such) or show him that I care (since he was in such denial, I didn't want to lead him on to hoping for more), but I had to step aside from that "role" to tell him to call someone when he feels the urge. I talked about how the feelings are temporary and he needs someone with him when they happen. I also made him note down 2 self-help books that helped me a lot during my D. I told him I was doing this because he needed to seek help outside of me. Fortunately, he told me he had been discussing his suicidal thoughts with his therapist.

I just called a suicide hotline and the guy told me I did great. (Whatever that can be.) I took extra advice in case XSO tries to contact me in a crisis.

Any word of confort, reassurance, advice, wisdom, etc. would be really appreciated. I'm in shock.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:26 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Lilypad posted 8/5/2013 21:26 PM

What an asshole to do this to you.

He is manipulating you. He obviously has some mental issues and I am glad he is at least talking to a therapist.

At the end you have no control over what he does.

cmego posted 8/5/2013 21:30 PM

Oh, burnt...this is the worst kind of manipulation.

My very first serious boyfriend in college acted this same way when I wanted to break up with him. I felt bad for him, and stayed in the relationship because I didn't want the guilt if he did commit suicide. But, after a few times of him controlling my entire life, me wanting to end the relationship, him threatening suicide...I finally just walked away.

You can't help him. What he said to you, showed you, threatened you is just...horrible. His choices are his. You can't help him.

I think you handled it great and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

burnt_toast posted 8/5/2013 21:31 PM

I know him enough to know all of this is true. Of course, the choice of telling me is not 100% innocent, but I can tell the whole deal was not based solely on manipulation. The bottom line rang and felt true.

I've been suicidal once in my life, I can tell. It was detailed as heck.

But granted, I can't be his first respondent nor control how he deals with the breakup. I know that.

The whole thing is horribly sad and terrible in every way.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:33 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

peacelovetea posted 8/5/2013 21:45 PM

Do you know who his therapist is? You could call him/her and just give them the info. They won't talk to you of course, but would probably appreciate the heads-up. And if he is manipulating he will quickly learn not to do that again.

In the future, I would just go ahead and call 911!

asurvivor posted 8/5/2013 21:47 PM

On the surface, it reads like manipulation...but no way we know that for sure from just reading on an internet site. There certainly appears to be some serious mental issues going on whether it's manipulation or no.

I agree with the others that you shouldn't take this on by yourself and probably not at appears he needs professional help for his suicidal thoughts and or his need to manipulate...he needs to get it and get it now.
I just think the best thing you could get from this site are the virtual hugs and support and...well hope he gets some serious therapy.

Skan posted 8/5/2013 22:44 PM

Frankly, the next time he pulls that, if there is a next time, call 911. This is not your problem any more. He fired you from that job. Yes, it's horrible and shocky to have to go through, but let the professionals handle him and walk away. And NC. And (((hugs)))

Nature_Girl posted 8/5/2013 23:04 PM

This makes me crazy mad! My STBX used to pull the suicide threat fairly regularly. I then would immediately jump into "Must Save His Life!" mode and all problems would be swept aside as I begged him to live.

It didn't end until I finally was counseled to tell him I'd never again beg him to live, I would simply call 911 immediately if he ever threatened suicide again, or if I ever even thought he was so sad that he might want to kill himself. And you know what? He never threatened suicide again.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/6/2013 01:29 AM

I can't say whether it is manipulation to try to get a particular response from you, or if he is just having suicidal thoughts, and sharing them with you because he has a history of sharing personal things with you.

I have been suicidal, many times in my life. starting in my early teens. It goes with my particular way of being severely depressed. It ramped up again with all the false R of this latest fuckup in my life known as my M to STBXWHNPDPAFTG.

I could NOT stop the thoughts from comping into my head. Driving was the worst. All the bridge abutments, trees, etc I could crash into.

I had to stop driving at freeway speeds. For months I took surface streets.

I told WH about my thoughts. He accused me of trying to manipulate him.


You know that if he does attempt or succeed at suicide, it isn't your fault. His depression is his to own. His thoughts are his responsibility to handle.

He can take specific action when he is less freaked out to help himself be less vulnerable to impulse when he freaks out again. Like, cancel the hotel reservation. Like, putting the phone number for his therapist, the suicide prevention hotline, etc. in his phone.

You cannot control him or cause or prevent any particular action on his part.

Let go. Breathe. Focus on you. When your thoughts go to this crazy shit, find an alternate thought to distract you. What are you going to put in the tossed salad? (one of my favorite go-to thoughts). Or visualize a park bench. Or upcoming maintenance on your car. ANYTHING to get your mind away from him.

Suicidal thoughts are not all that rare in depressed people. Actual suicide is.

EvenKeel posted 8/6/2013 06:31 AM

My X did this as well.

My attorney said one phone call to the local 911 or suicide hotline would take care of it if it was a manipulation ploy.

Yes - you did the right thing and you are (unfortunatley) not alone.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:05 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

burnt_toast posted 8/6/2013 06:37 AM

I've read many angry anwsers to my initial post. It was not my intention to stir any wounds in those who may have ran across similar situations.

Please take in consideraton XSO is the guy I rebuilt my life with after my D. He didn't cheat. He actually took care of me when I spent 2 years in a wheelchair. Understand this is an incredibly hard decision for me.

Thank you for all who posted. I appreciate all the wisdom and life based experience here.

I can handle shaking or challenging thoughts, but please be gentle as you deliver them.

I hope this message won't kill the thread as I still need support, but I had to clarify.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:41 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

ninebark posted 8/6/2013 06:49 AM

Wow burnt_toast,

I feel bad for both of you. I think the suicide hotline person was right, you handled it well.

You cannot stop somone from ending their life if they are committed to that end, but you provided him with support and advice.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is up to his therapist and himself now. Next time I agree that you should just call the hotline.


Random thoughts posted 8/6/2013 08:19 AM

Please don't meet with him again even in public.

Your other post alarmed me when you stated how you broke up with him and he made camping plans and now this, him telling you of his plans of killing himself.

That sounds like a last stand statement that and his FOO issues might make him feel all is lost right now especially with the breakup.

Be safe

hexed posted 8/6/2013 08:56 AM

Hope you're ok this morning. :( sorry you have to deal with this

hexed posted 8/6/2013 08:56 AM

Hope you're ok this morning. :( sorry you have to deal with this

MovingUpward posted 8/6/2013 10:15 AM


XSO has really put you in a hard place. I know that you are a very caring person and his actions will draw you to help. I am glad that you talked to a suicide hotline for advice.

The power to change the attitude of XSO is his. I am glad that he is in therapy. I am praying for him to be over his suicidal tendencies.

My only advice is don't get back together with him in these circumstances. Keep reaching out for support.

better4me posted 8/6/2013 12:36 PM


Take care of yourself! Do something for you today...

Remember you can care for someone without taking care "of" them. I'm so sorry he is is such pain, it isn't your fault and it isn't up to you to fix this.

My ex did this too when I told him it was over between us. I know it was only partly manipulative, and mostly based on his feeling hopeless. He had family that could gather around him so that I didn't have to. His family tried to make me "do" something about his sadness to take care of him, but I was able to set a boundary. I hope your XSO has other people IRL besides you. Can you let those people know he is hurting? Maybe they can offer him support so that you can continue to set limits...

(((burnt toast)))

[This message edited by better4me at 12:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 8/6/2013 12:55 PM

I'm sorry for the added confusion that he's putting on an already difficult situation.

Nearly ExH also did something kind of similar, where he talked to siblings during "confessions" about calling crisis hotlines and going to crisis centers. But he became such a blatant, f'ing liar that I don't know if it's believable or not.

I did the same as you and I also contacted his siblings, basically sounding an alarm for them to watch over him since I was no longer allowed.

I always have thought that if it made him truly that full of hurt, he should have tried to work it out when he had the chance. It was OW he should have let go, but he is so messed in the head that no one can tell him that he's mixed things all up.

It's not unheard of and things I've heard (from counselors, also) is that it sometimes is manipulation, unfortunately...but it's good that you checked up on what to do by calling the hotline. At least it's a bit of validation for you.

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 13:40 PM


I'm sorry you had to go through this. I've ideated suicide before, but never went so far as to plan it or write a suicide note. Just thought about it. How not existing would be preferable to the unrelenting, fathomless pain.

And I've never threatened anyone with killing myself if they didn't respond the way I wanted. I am a controller, but I never, ever used suicide as a control method. Even to a controller like me, who controlled my wife for 4 years and is in IC right now to fix this, it wouldn't occur to me to use something as horrific as suicide as a tool. Yuck.

For sure there's some manipulation, but as you also pointed out, it was a massive cry for help. And you remain connected to him for some very good reasons. So of course you care.

You're not the only one here on SI who has been fucking BESIEGED by people who think they're being helpful, but who are in fact coming from a raw and traumatic place and want to protect you as much as they should protect themselves, and as a result are actually doing harm. It is difficult for a collective to allow for outliers or exceptions when they live so much of the time within the bulk of the bell curve. And who could blame them?

Understand that there are people who get what you're saying, we're just fewer in number because our experiences are less common. I sure learned that.

Kajem posted 8/6/2013 14:39 PM


Hoping today is a better day with a bit more clarity for you and him.

It sounds like you did all that you could do to let him know you care about what happens to him, without assuming responsibility for his choices. I think you handled it as well as could be expected.

Sending hugs your way.


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