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emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 21:23 PM

Why can't I shut off my brain....the pictures of the texts keep running through my head and then I start imagining them in bed together ( even though I have no proof he slept with her). I feel sick to my stomach from the constant thoughts of this and I can not think of anything else. When does it stop? And now I am dealing with his silent treatment again as if I am at fault for all of this

ccw82 posted 8/5/2013 21:53 PM

He needs to be totally transparent with his phone, computer, whereabouts, etc. If my husband EVER doubted my intentions, I would go above and beyond to prove to him that I did not (and would never) do anything to betray him!

But that's just me. I've recently learned myself that my husband and I had very different expectations and values regarding marriage.

As to HOW to turn off the mind movies?...I am still reeling from those. I've been told that the trick is to focus more on yourself and away from the situation, but it's an incredibly hard task when you have so much invested in one person.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 9:55 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 22:12 PM

He told me I am being ridiculous wanting to monitor his phone etc. and that I should have better things to do than monitor him...he is also smart enough to delete every text ass it comes in. It is like he honestly doesn't care that I am bothered by this... I am seeing an IC Wednesday and pray she can help me see the right road and find the right words to speak to him without an angry eruption on his part and an emotional breakdown on mine. I hope you find the ability to turn off the movies in your head ccw82.

jjct posted 8/5/2013 22:14 PM

Others will be along to tell you how to stop them. Some require a rubber band snapping to the wrist.
I am here to tell you
in time
nothing will bother you in the least.

There is hope.

emotionalgirl posted 8/5/2013 22:16 PM

Thanks jjct...I guess right now I am just out of hope and dwelling on too much time!

jjct posted 8/5/2013 22:17 PM

just huge hugs to you. I get it

lovelymrsm posted 8/5/2013 23:25 PM

emotional girl
stay strong with your request for TT. With each of my husband's affairs I would stumble across a "clue" and confront him. He would say he wasn't and would than spend hours saying all kinds of mean things and bringing up any kind of thing he can think of to make me feel horrible. We met 24 years ago, and dated on and off, so he knows everything I have ever thought about, let alone done. A few weeks later he would confess. I think he used that time to break it off with the ows. He would say that it was over, he was sorry and he will never do it again...

this last dday that we have had we are trying Total Transparency. Some how he has realized that how he communicates with women is very wrong and has promised to clean up his behaviour.

I hope your IC can help you figure out the words to say to your husband so that he understands that his behaviour is hurting you.
BUT please learn from my mistakes. If he turns the conversation around and makes you feel like crap, that is a controlling method, so that he can hide his bad behaviour and make you feel like crap so you wont bring it up again.

Stay Strong, go with your gut, if something you see makes you hurt, then it IS WRONG. It just takes a lot for them to see it.
I hope this makes sense. I'm new to posting.

emotionalgirl posted 8/6/2013 18:35 PM

Thanks lovel mrsm. I know that right now I am not getting nor am I likely to get TT. I am waiting to see what the counsellor says tomorrow about how to approach him with this. God luck.

jjct posted 8/6/2013 18:50 PM

If he's not manning up, being transparent, & certainly if he's not remorseful, you actually don't approach him.

You go the other direction: 180.
Have you studied it, considered it?
Just a reminder, as you do, remember it is about you and your healing. It is about gaining strength. It is not about getting him to see or do anything. (not a manipulative device).

I'm sorry for this hell.

my2sons posted 8/7/2013 11:49 AM

I too have a constant "affair movie" that is difficult to turn off. Here's something that's a little crazy, but helpful for me. I read somewhere to get an old remote control, and actively use it to "turn off" the movie in your brain. Keep pushing that OFF button until the movie stops. I've done it a few times, and if I'm in the right frame of mind, it will at least put the movie on "pause" for a while. Good luck.

Fireflies posted 8/7/2013 12:32 PM

(((Emotionalgirl)))

I'm so sorry, the movies really suck.

I don't have much advice, I'm a newbie myself. But, you are in no way being ridiculous needing to monitor his phone, online history, etc. This is a non-negotiable for me.

Don't let him turn it around on you. Stay strong.

emotionalgirl posted 8/7/2013 16:50 PM

You are all so right he is not manning up nor is he being honest with me or himself (can anyone tell I woke up really angry today ). I saw the IC today she said the same thing take care of me! Thanks everyone.

ShedSomeLight posted 8/8/2013 06:55 AM

I am so sorry. "Hugs". I am having the same thing happen. I am finding that physical activity really helps. I signed up for martial arts. I am feeling empowered and it has been getting my anger out ad well as helping me sleep better. I was stalked by the woman he had an affair with, and I have an active police case. I feel I need to protect myself, but I really think that any kind of steady physical activity will help you right now. Ever walking everyday to clear your mind. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Please send me a private message if you want to talk.

Getting to Happy posted 8/8/2013 11:40 AM

Hi Emotionalgirl, I struggled with the idea of my beautiful husband with his AP. That he willingly gave away, repeatedly something that WE promised to only give to each other. So having sex with him became almost impossible. Almost. blush:

I told Mr. Happy that my body knew his body so even though I was gutted by his betrayal we still managed to have some kind of sex. But I would cry or feel dirty afterwards. Even though they had not had sex for a year, it went on for 5 years. I found out after the PA went to a EA.

I was lamenting about this issue in a thread and PPGA send me a video that really helped with the the mind movies.

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

But ultimately it is hilarious and really changed the mind movies to something that made me feel much better about myself. It gave me a metaphor for their lurrve that tickles me to this day.

Somehow in my head, when I found out how long his A went on, I thought that I was some horrible thing that he was escaping. That I somehow caused this breech in our marriage.

Then I started reading here on SI and went with the general consensus that it was all on him. But...I still felt bad because I though he had this fabulous love affair...then PPGA sent me this video.

It saved my sex life with him because I am not the little frog in the video. I am not some random thing to be used.

They say that the brain is your real sex organ. Switching the players in the video to Mr. Happy and his AP did the trick for me.

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!

emotionalgirl posted 8/8/2013 18:16 PM

Shed some light I can not imagine having this become a stalking case. God know I would just walk away and tell her she can have him. God bless you are a better person than I am.

Getting to be happy. I would live to see that video. I think I need the laugh if nothing else. Glad you are finding some peace.

sodamnlost posted 8/8/2013 18:25 PM

So sorry you are hurting. The mind movies are one of the worst things in this hell hole.

I am a photographer and clearly VERY visual by nature. The mind movies were eating me alive. I have taken some things I heard here on SI and expanded and can mostly stop them now. Someone said something about "unfuck the donkey", I expanded on this and actually pictured OW's face on a fat, saggy donkey body and them having sex. It's kinda true and funny. in a desperate night, I started visualizing chickens playing baseball instead. I get VERY detailed in my visuals and it usually help.

(((HUGS)))) hope you find relief soon!

2004kk posted 8/8/2013 18:30 PM

I can totally relate. I see the photos that she exchanged with him and I can't stop thinking, is he thinking of her right now. I find that I try and focus on us and moving forward. I think the hardest part for me, is the wondering I do. I do find myself writing these thoughts down has helped me too. At least they are on paper and not necessarily in my head for the moment.

Stay strong and know that you have a ton of support!

emotionalgirl posted 8/9/2013 11:24 AM

I am trying so hard to just focus on me and 180. Have decided that when he finally realizes what he stands to loose that is when I can demand full disclosure as right now he is still totally denying.... I need the facts eventually because they can not be worse than what I make up in my own brain. I do well for awhile using some of the techniques everyone has mentioned and then my brain wanders at the stupidest times and boom bad movie! Feeling angry then indifferent and just tired! Thanks everyone for your kindness.

Juanita posted 8/9/2013 12:03 PM

One week beyond the first anniversary of my husband's death and four and a half months after the discovery of the letters he cherished from his mistress of 15 years (probably much longer), I feel I am moored at the same degree of agony as you, emotionalgirl.
Their affair was so long and the betrayal so effective that my grieving ends up contaminated by images of the two of them: having sex in my bed or a lovely b&b, greeting each other affectionately as they rendez-vous, having dinner out together, hiking a mountain together, sailing, watching TV together.
Invariably this triggers a physical convulsion, then nausea and burning gut.
Working now with a therapist I have some hope of finding mechanisms to keep this sequence from continuing to damage me.
The heartfelt counsel from SI members led me to an instructive interview with Shirley Glass, author of,Not Just Friends. Perhaps it will help as an overview of a subject none of us wished to be studying.<http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/25300>

emotionalgirl posted 8/9/2013 15:52 PM

Juanita. I appreciate tour post. I will check out the video. Thought and prayers. I can't think how hard it must be when the person you want to confront and yell at the most is no longer there. That and to have what happy memories you have contaminated and your grieving disrupted...(((hugs)))I wish you much future happiness!