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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: I dont know what to do anymore
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Helpless  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hes been good since I took him back except for some TT and not realy taking an initiative with what, when and how to do things for me or to help me heal. He always second guessing himself and has to ask me what I think, hes known me long enough, its not rocket science. And the TT set me way back because I had been asking the same questions since the beginning of "R" and hes just now answering honestly, supposedly. Hes been good for 3 months, what about the last 6+ years? Why should I treat him respectfully when he hasn't been completely selfless? He knows im having a hard time and I asked him to back off sexually because sometimes I just cant handle the thaught of having sex with someone im so discusted with and when we do, Im completely emotionally detached. Its become a selfish, primal want for me even when he says "I love you" during, I don't take it seriously and it doesn't do anything for me anymore. The TT has really made me take a step back again and reevaluate everything again. I feel like hes actively killed my love, compassion and respect for him. When is real R a little to late? When is enough, enough?


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((DoneWithLove))

It could be possible that you are experiencing what some here refer to as the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". I've experienced it in mild doses from time to time. Here's an article in the healing library that explains it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/lethal_flatness.asp

Hope this helps. Take care.


Posts: 8021 | Registered: Dec 2010
Healing2012
♀ 35238
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain - I really do. My D-day was almost two years ago and I still ask myself some of the same questions you just did.

It's true what everyone here says - this journey really is a rollercoaster. It is OK to step back and reassess the situation and how you're feeling. It's part of the process (well, I guess I can only speak for myself). There were times when I needed to love him and there were times when I needed to feel the anger. There were times he disgusted me. It took a little time, but I learned to let myself feel those things without questioning it too much.

As far as when is enough enough? I think I'm the wrong person to ask. My WH and I have been separated for over one year. Neither of us can pull the plug on our M . For some crazy reason we both still hold out hope...

Hang in there. Read and post as often as you need to - you will get great advice and support. Ride out the highs and lows. Think about what you want.


BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I read the link but whats next? I feel as if I tried everything pre A and now I have no energy or interest in making R easy for him. I am mentally and emotionally drained and it seems to drain me physically too. What do I do when nothing makes me truly happy anymore. I love my sons and have fun when we go places but now I dont feel like im satisfied anymore by going out and doing things or staying in. I talk to my mom and sisters and hang out but I feel like its just a distraction because when im alone again, being around other people besides fWH, doesn't make me feel better, happier or help my healing. I feel like im on a hampster wheel of loneliness, bordom and anger. Nothing helps.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should I treat him respectfully when he hasn't been completely selfless?

I have no energy or interest in making R easy for him.

R requires the BS to realize punishing the WS hurts both WS and BS and to give up thoughts of revenge.

The process of R builds a new M. If you don't show him respect, you'll create an M in which showing respect isn't important. If you make R hard for him, you'll create an M that's hard to be part of and to maintain. IS this the sort of M you want?

What does R mean to you? What do you and your H do during the process of R? What does your R'ed M look like to you?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:57 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you describe sounds like depression. Have you been to a a Dr for evaluation?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be depression. Or it could just be you have detached from your WH.

Have you read the book "Hold Me Tight"?

It talks about the human need for emotional attachment. There is a questionnaire in the book that I found rather enlightening. It helped me realize i did not feel "safe" with my WH and that was why I was so detached from him.

Humans do not form emotional attachments when they do not feel safe with a person.

Try reading the book. You can get it on Kindle from Amazon.

If this is an issue of detachment, the book will give you ideas of ways to rebuild your since of "safeness" with your WH.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jun 2012
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive been depressed before, this doesn't feel like depression. I think I have become detached from my H. I don't feel in touch with him and though we are very compatible and have been through alot together, I don't feel like I need him around anymore. I don't feel like he can help me accomplish anything, ive been doing everything by myself, wishing he would be there for me for a long time and now that hes doing everything, I kinda wish he would just leave me alone so I can do it myself. Before it didn't matter if I worked 40+ hours a week or stayed at home for months on end, he would not help me, yeah he would complain about me not getting stuff done but he wouldnt lift a finger. Now he wants me to relax and let him do everything, why? Ive been a door mat for 6+ years, just leave me alone, I can do this and then some without any help. Hes a little to late on the compassion act. I know this is something I can live through, ive been here before, but after everything ive been through and everything hes done to break me down, can he honestly be a positive part of my future. That, idk.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Donewithlove,
Your last post really hit me. I just filed for Divorce but I am feeling a lot of the same things. Just leave me alone, you're draining my vibe.
Detached.
Like you said, he left me to my own devices for too long and now I don't need him.
So frustrating and sad.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idk what I want. I want another child but after the past 6+ years, how crappy he was with our first 2 and his A, idk if I can let that happen with him but I dont really want a divorce. He wants another child too but I feel like I should be able to be selfish for once and just do whatever I want. As much as I want it, he doesn't deserve that much sacrifice on my part. I feel like hes sacrificed my life at my expense to be a discustingly, selfish WH with an equally discustingly, selfish OW and even thought he acts remorseful, idk, I will never have my life back. What am I supposed to do now? He will never understand how hes killed everything I ever felt for him and any future we couldve had. Because of him, I feel hollow now.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Topic Posts: 10

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