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Dazed and confused

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annihilated24 posted 8/5/2013 22:32 PM

Found out 2 weeks ago today that my wife was sleeping with another guy. I am crushed and devastated as she was my whole life and never thought she could be the type of person to do that to me. She never came clean although I suspected for a little over a week until I found text messages between them two on her phone. After hours of talking I also found out there was another incident with an ex. I love her so much and we are trying to work it out but there is a part of me that doesn't know if I am doing the right thing. We have been married for over 11 years and have 3 great kids. We have started counseling and she tells me that she only wants me. it is so hard to believe anything she says right now because of all of the lies and manipulation. I know in time I will be able to get past the affair but I know the hardest thing is going to be trusting her again but right now when I see certain things it brings up the pain, anger and hurt. I so want to trust her again and I am so committed to making this work. Any advice?

Gemini71 posted 8/5/2013 22:42 PM

So sorry you've joined our ranks.

You's probably get a better response if you post in the 'Just Found Out' forum.

Good Luck.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 10:43 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

jo2love posted 8/6/2013 11:29 AM


Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You will find a lot of helpful information in our Healing Library.

FAQs -

Articles -

3Xthefool posted 8/6/2013 11:51 AM

You have my empathy that you find yourself here on SI.

I too am new to SI as I stumbled upon it about a week ago.

A good start is to review the items in the "healing library" in the link at the top left of the window.

Also, buy some books that cover the healing process. Check out the thread that was started on this forum about books to read. There are some great suggestions there and would be a good beginning.

Good luck to you in your path to healing.

TxsT posted 8/6/2013 12:09 PM


Slow down, look at info in the healing library, go to MC and IC.

You are in a world of hurt and confusion and your inner voice is making sure you don't get hurt anymore. Listen and watch with your spouse is doing. What you described in your post sounds like triggering. As you move forward through your journey hopefully these will become much more infrequent.

We are here to help, to listen and maybe something in our own stories can help you.


sisoon posted 8/6/2013 12:27 PM

First, realize that you have a life of your own. You can heal and thrive, even after being betrayed.

Second, start thinking about what you need and want. You been traumatized, which has long term effects, and shocked, which has shorter-term effects. If you find things in the Healing Library that make sense but are not part of your thinking yet, you can simply change your thinking and request you W to change hers, too.

Third, rebuilding trust takes a long time, because you need to see lots of trust-worthy behavior before you can honestly give trust again. Your W can start rebuilding trust right now by being transparent, honest, working on her issues, and supporting you emotionally.

As you read SI posts, you'll come to see that she cheated because of her issues, not because of anything you did or did not do - you're just collateral damage. Even though the cheating is on her, though, if she does what she needs to do to heal, she can become a great partner.

But you have to heal, too. You're probably overwhelmed with pain right now. Accepting that pain and feeling it is a way to heal - IMO, the only way to heal, but you have to find your own way through this.

And always keep in mind the general SI approach - take what makes sense to you, and ignore the rest.

Also, lots of people start out thinking one way will work for them but then find another way works better. If tat happens to you, remember you can change your approach whenever it seems like a good idea to do so.

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