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Just Found Out About Him Cheating 5 Years Ago

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SoLost1545 posted 8/5/2013 23:34 PM

My husband and I got married in December 2007. In May 2008, he left for his duty station overseas in Germany (he's military). I was waiting for all the paperwork to clear and my passport to come through before I could join him. He made some friends there, and in June 2008, there was a female soldier that started hanging out with him. He's a musician, and she could they had a common interest. I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out together, but I trusted my husband. He started bringing her up a lot more in conversation, and that's when I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out together. He got made...told me that I needed to trust him, etc. I ended up dropping it. In July 2008, I had everything together and moved to Germany to be with my husband. One night when we were out bowling with friends (around October or so that year), the female soldier showed up (with a married guy). She spotted our group and came over to say hi. My friend knew I didn't like her, so she stood by my side just in case anything happened. The female soldier knew I didn't like her. She came up to me and said, "Do you even know how good your husband is?" I assumed she was meaning musically, so I said, "yes." and my friend chimed in with, "I think she does considering SHE is married to him." A couple months after that incident, she got in some trouble for having an affair with a married guy...and after that, I didn't hear much about her.
Flash forward to now, 5 years husband and I have been having issues...and our marriage started falling apart. He had asked me a little over a week ago to give it one last try (to work on things in our marriage). I told him I would, but that he would have to put forth the majority of the effort since I've done it all over the years without much cooperation from him. He said he would for me and our son (who is 3.5 years old).
Last Tuesday, we were sitting down and talking before I got our son ready for bed. He says to me, "You know I've cheated on you..." I told him to clarify what he meant since I had always assumed he had been faithful to me.
He said that he and some friends when out drinking with female soldier on night (before I moved to we hadn't been separated but 1 month yet...and only married about 6 months). Female soldier took him back to her place after they had a few to drink. He laid on her couch, but then she told him he didn't have to sleep down there. He grabbed a blanket and went to her room and climbed into bed with her. In the morning, he said one thing led to another and he gave her oral. He swears up and down that she did not reciprocate and they did not have sex. He said that he went in the bathroom after and relieved himself.
I'm lost, confused, angry, name it. My whole marriage has been a lie...and now I know that she was gloating at the bowling alley and definitely NOT talking about music.
Later that night, while he was sleeping, I got on his phone and went through his texts and facebook messages. He sent her a message on facebook about a week before he told me what he had done. He asked how she was doing and then said that she was always in the back of his mind. I woke him up and threw the phone at him.
I have not kicked my husband out for my son's sake...and for some reason, I feel guilty about even thinking I should. The first couple days after he told me, I couldn't keep anything down and kept throwing up. I've started smoking again...I'm not sleeping well, and I keep having nightmares about the two of them. I can't stop picturing him doing that for her and it makes me disgusted all over again.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I need advice. I need to talk about it.

[This message edited by SoLost1545 at 11:59 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

hard_yards posted 8/6/2013 03:28 AM

Hi Honey, so sorry you find yourself here, but so glad that you have found us under the circumstances.

So you've got an awful lot to deal with right now, hugs, lots of hugs.

Did he enlighten you as to why, at this point, with your marriage already in trouble, he chose to dump this on you?

Have you asked him why he felt entitled to contact the OW recently?

Please understand that this is not your fault, I don't care how bad things had become, or how long you had been separated due to his job, none of that gave him the option of cheating on his wife.

There are many options if life becomes difficult, having an affair would be one of the most destructive.

You were obviously right to have doubts about this OW years ago, generally our spidey senses are on alert for a very good reason.

Unfortunately, cheaters often lie, and lie and lie. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If he's admitting to giving her oral, as terrible as it is, it's best to believe that there was more. It's a bit of a stretch to believe him not receiving, especially when he didn't have to work hard for it, she was there on a plate. He can't even blame too much to drink as it was the following morning. There's almost always more to find out, unfortunately.

Honey, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. For him, it was years ago, for you, it just happened, it may as well have been yesterday.

Have you considered the thought that he may have contacted her more than just the one message? I can't see why he would unload this now, there must have been some sort of provocation.

There are many helpful posts to read in JFO, some starting with a red dot in the margin. I'll bump what I can to this page, along with a few without a red dot.

Read all you can, knowledge is power, strength is attractive. There is also a wealth of information in the healing library, yellow box, top left hand corner of the page.

If he's being anything other than a weeping, crying, pleading mess at your feet, you have some way to go before even thinking about R with him.

Please protect yourself and your heart. R is not for everyone, it is hard, hard work, and for some of us, infidelity is a deal-breaker. The good news is that you don't have to make any decisions right now, in fact it's better if you don't while you are struggling to get your head around your new reality.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, try and eat, sleep and drink plenty of water. This is trauma, plain and simple. If you find you're really struggling, please see your GP and get something to help you sleep, or for anxiety, there's no harm in reaching out for help.

On that note, another unfortunate reality is you must get tested for STDs, and so must he, this is non-negotiable. He has risked his health and yours. Make sure you get your own copy of his results from the dr, don't just believe what he says.

Hugs honey, keep posting, it really helps, there's always someone around and usually have already walked the path that you're now on.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 5:50 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 8/6/2013 10:56 AM

I am so sorry you are here!

A few things to state right away.

Eat as much as you can possibly manage to get down. Drink as much as you can possibly get down, you have to take care of yourself. Nap when the baby does if possible as sleep is often illusive in the early days after discovery.

Even though it's been 5 years, WH (wayward husband) needs to be tested for STD's, as well as yourself. Make sure to ask for Herpes tests specifically as they don't routinely test for that since it's so common.

The likelihood that it was one time and he only gave her oral and nothing in return is about the same as being struck by lightning after winning the super mega powerball jackpot of 1 billion dollars twice in the same year. Seriously, they minimize, they make it as small as they can to be able to admit to something but not make it sounds as bad as it truly was. We call it TT, or trickle truth, where you get the real story in little drips and drabs, slowly more details, more times, more interaction, more this more that, before you finally get the real truth of what happened. So brace yourself for more, much more.

You don't have to make a decision today about what you'll do (divorce or try to reconcile). Just be sure you protect yourself.

It's incredibly important that your WH goes NC (no contact) with the OW (other woman). She is going to be a major problem in your marriage forever if he doesn't cut her off completely. He should write a NC letter, or email to her, and send it after you have approved it. He should then never respond to her after that, block her from FB, block her number from his phone, anything he can do to disappear from her radar. He can NOT be friends with a woman that he betrayed his wife with, it's just not possible.

And lastly, as much as he might try to play the victim to what he would describe as a sexual predator (it's pretty common that the WS is victimized apparently by what all the WS's tell us after DDay ), the truth of the matter is that your WH is responsible for his behavior 100%. This woman didn't rape him, she didn't even really come onto him very hard according to his story, she simply told him he didn't need to sleep on the couch and he jumped up to run to her bed. He is at fault for his actions, and while the OW shouldn't have asked him, he should NEVER have put himself in that position to begin with, especially knowing that you were uncomfortable with that relationship to begin with.

Jrazz posted 8/6/2013 12:02 PM

Welcome to SI, SoLost.

The physical cheating allegedly stopped 5 years ago, but the affair is ongoing as his is still emotionally involved (at least.)

It's ok not to make any big decisions right now. You don't have to toss him to the curb, and you don't have to stay with him either (take your son with you or ask him to leave if need be.)

You just need to focus on YOU and your son and your immediate needs right now. The pain and confusion is overwhelming, but we've all been there and we're here to help you.

Sending hugs and strength.

SoLost1545 posted 8/12/2013 19:04 PM

To answer some of the questions that had been asked...he didn't give any reason as to why he brought it up now, after all this time.
He's in this depressive state now and it's driving me up the damn wall. His brother's wedding was this past weekend, so I told him that I would act as though everything were fine while we were with his family and at the wedding. He kept raising suspicion towards himself by acting depressed and not really interacting with anyone. I had to drag him out of the car quite a few times (and he was the BEST MAN). His brother kept asking me what was wrong with him, as did a lot of other people. The ones that didn't ask me what was wrong were looking at me like I did something to him. It was embarrassing and exhausting.
I told him before we left what I needed out of him if he even wanted me to consider working through this with him. I told him NC letters, counseling (with complete honesty on his part), more help with our son and around the house, quit asking me for sex, to get tested for STDs, and lots of time.
He agreed to all of it.
On the way back from his brother's wedding, he told me that he thinks our son and I would be better off without him and he needs to work on letting me go. I told him that he just doesn't want to do the work.
It almost seems like he's just skating through the day. When he's not at work, he's laying in bed.
I know I should be concerned (especially since he tried to commit suicide at the end of January...and he's been in counseling since then for that), but I'm just pissed off.
I should be the one who gets to shut everything out, right? How is this even fair? I'm mad that he is acting like this. AND THEN to top it off, he's back to asking me for sex. I got so fed up that I told him to go find someone else to sleep with if sex is so important to him, because I'm not ready for it. He's all, "'s been awhile since I've had sex..." and I said, "well, me too..."
I just don't know what the right thing to do here is...

[This message edited by SoLost1545 at 7:06 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

hard_yards posted 8/12/2013 22:35 PM

Sounds like he's indulging in a pity party... "oh poor me..." he detonated your marriage and now has to deal with the fallout.

he told me that he thinks our son and I would be better off without him and he needs to work on letting me go

Perfectly designed to elicit a sympathetic response, he wants you to do the heavy lifting here. Instead of him worrying about you leaving him, he wants you to worry about him leaving you!!

And beg him to stay.

Not going to happen. He needs to pull his big-boy pants up and start to show some real remorse, otherwise, you just might decide to leave.

No one wants to be stuck with a man-child, crying poor me. After infidelity, you want a partner who is prepared to shoulder the load, the responsibility, the collateral damage, and be there for you, in whatever form you need.

Behaving like that at his brother's wedding, shameful, still very much all about him. He obviously wanted everyone to notice that things weren't right, and show concern for him.

I'd definitely inform his IC that he's deeply depressed, let him/her know what's happened, and that while you haven't left, unless something changes, you may very well do.

You need to protect yourself, this is a time to be selfish and make you and your child your first priority.

Leave him to the professionals.

Reiterate what you need to move forward in the immediate future, NC, full disclosure on his A, STD testing etc... and then 180 him, hard. This will help you focus on yourself and your child, get stronger and better able to deal with what has happened, and what is yet to happen.

If he repeats the above again, tell him you're sorry he feels that way. Deflect it back on him.

Please get yourself off to a really good lawyer, heck, a few of them, then he can't use them, find out what position you're in, should this all spiral even further downward. Knowledge is power honey.

Be kind to yourself, I'm sorry he's just not up to the job of supporting you while you get your head around what's happened. Hugs honey.

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