"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

PhantomLimb posted 8/5/2013 23:52 PM

I just want to start off by saying you guys at SI have been amazing over the last few weeks giving it to me straight and keeping me sane.

I think I *might* be coming out of my fog. Just a little.

I'm having a rough night. I just need to vent.

So, to review, I have gone from days away from moving out to a part of the country I love to live with the love of my life for the rest of my life in a great job (after a year of hard work in another state, earning the credentials to get a job in WS's office)... to finding out he snapped his cap back in February, started an A with a COW, intended for me to still come out there so he could resume his life with me as before but, when cornered into DDay, went from willing to do whatever it took to R to calling me three weeks later hostile, angry and aggressive (which I had never seen in 10+ years), saying he wants to me "free and liberated" from me and our life together. And I haven't heard from him since.

So this is my life now. Out of nowhere this man who I loved for years, with whom I shared everything (career, interests, goals) has decided to trade it all in for a COW he's known for less than a year. Whom he couldn't even manage to really say one good thing about. Or maybe he just wants to be single. Who knows because he doesn't talk to me. He has abandoned our friends and family. He left me jobless, crushed and alone and never even looked back. Instead he went insane on FB posting status updates about his fabulous life every 10 secs until I finally unfriended him.

So the strong, ethical, sweet, caring, kind man that I knew is actually someone capable of lying to me, making a fool out of me, tossing me aside, risking my health and my career, daring to come see me one more time before DDay to pretend to live his "real life" for one more week before dropping the bomb on me that he was already gone. And, to throw salt in the wound, after I am devastated beyond words, living a nightmare, suffering from PTSD... he has the nerve to text friends that *I* was the problem. He takes the A underground. I asked him to just text me before bed so I could get some sleep... and he can't even do that. So much for making me feel safe.

I wasn't just dumped. I was viciously, cruelly, violently dumped. Some of the things he said to me I know I'll never get over.

And now he's just running. Taking himself off the phone plan. Moving and not sending me any info on where he is. Ignoring scheduled check-ins post my request for 2 mos of NC.

This is really pathetic, but my alarm clock has gone from his kisses all over my face to, usually, the dog having peed in the bed because I'm such an effing wreck that she has lost all housetraining and the vet thinks *she* needs prozac!

I've done everything humanly possible to take care of myself. 180/NC/IC, friends, hobbies, new me, blah blah blah. I think I'm even getting there on accepting he isn't the man I thought he was. I think I'm even getting to a place of acceptance. Generally, I only cry these days when I think about the hurtful things he said (usually when I'm stuck in traffic and my mind wanders).

So my life now is I'm left all alone to deal with this.

This is the thanks I get for being faithful all of these years even though, by all accounts, I was out of his league.

This is what I get for loving him unconditionally-- now I can't even get a decent apology and any measure of respect.

This is what I get for curbing my career for his-- now I have to totally start over in an insanely stressful job that pays peanuts in order to reestablish myself.

This is what I get for accepting his wish to not have children thinking that, instead, I would focus on our relationship.

This is what I get for bringing him into my stable circle of friends/family when his was so crazy-- I get accused at the end of "isolating" him.

This is what I get for supporting him through his OCD and mental health issues-- I get abandoned at the end and have to face his verbal, emotional and, arguably, physical violence.

What a way to find out life is unfair and unpredictable. I know people keep telling me that it's for the best, there's a plan, I'll be better off.... but if THIS could even be possible in a million years... why should I expect anything to get better?

I'm pretty sure this rant is my hope dying. Even if this a-hole tried to talk to me again, lord knows it would be so fake and contrived I would hit the roof... and then vomit.

So his crazy "poofing" NC is a blessing. I'm so disgusted by what he's done that I don't know where I would start even if he *did* want to talk. He's so incapable of helping himself, how could he even begin to help me?

I have the feeling that I'm going to be living with his ghost for a long time. I'll keep moving forward, but it's hard not to remember how good we had it. I wish I knew how lucky I was back then. I would have kissed him a million times more and tried not to take him for granted. I miss that innocence I had.

And I hate who he has become in my eyes. It seems to me that, even if he fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, or is just a coward or all of the above: I deserved more than this.

caregiver9000 posted 8/6/2013 00:36 AM

I'm pretty sure this rant is my hope dying.

That can be a beginning and empowering.

I deserved more than this.

deserve. Present tense. Kick his ghost out. No room for that.

his verbal, emotional and, arguably, physical violence.

No room for that.

I get accused

... You can guess, NO ROOM FOR THAT.

Rant. Let the hope die. Not even a thousand kisses in the time of innocence would have changed WHO he turned out to be. You did not take him for granted, you took him at his word. Unfortunately it wasn't good.

(((hugs)))

Sparkles posted 8/6/2013 00:54 AM

Your situation is similar to mine. I have read most of your posts and your remind me of myself. Except my stbxh did this and we have 4 kids. In no way do I think that makes my situation *worse* - it makes it different. The only reason I got was "I don't like who I am around you and the kids." Well, he picked a hell of a way to become someone he likes better.

My point is, when it comes to my situation I can go through all the same motions you are. I so understand what you are feeling, I simply don't have the time to follow those thoughts. I don't have the luxury of falling apart and that has become a blessing.

Then, I look at my beautiful, amazing children and think, what kind of person does this to them? A severely damaged person who hides himself so deeply that not even he can understand why he does what he does. A very selfish person who does not have the capacity to put even the most innocent lives before his own selfish needs.

That person is your ex too. It wouldn't matter who you were - you could be a rocket scientist who looks like a super-model and know all his favorite turn-ons whilst being his soul-mate. He would still have screwed you over. They need to run. From themselves, from what scares them, from growing, from loving.... whatever doesn't require them to work or think on it.

You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. I do sometimes too. Try not to give him too much headspace. Think Occam's razor = the simplest explanation is usually they correct one. It's so tempting to complicate it, but when you take it down to the nitty gritty, he is treating you terribly, you did not deserve this, you deserve better. Hold your head up high and be the heroine in this story.

I hope this makes sense - it's late here...

You are hurting now but things will get better. They will get better because you are clearly an intelligent, caring, loving and thoughtful person. He will regret it one day and you won't be around to care.

((hugs to you PhantomLimb)))

[This message edited by Sparkles at 12:57 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

PhantomLimb posted 8/6/2013 00:58 AM

((((Sparkles))))

HurtsButImOK posted 8/6/2013 01:06 AM

You are a deserving and strong person. It is truly devastating to have the rose coloured glasses ripped so cruelly from our eyes. The emotional rollercoaster is just crazy making But it too shall pass

(or so I hear, still looking for the emergency stop button on my sucky ride , pretty sure its a legislated safety requirement here)

I wasn't just dumped. I was viciously, cruelly, violently dumped. Some of the things he said to me I know I'll never get over.

And now he's just running.

He has shown you who he really is, believe him.

Keep focusing on you and your healing, one day at a time. Soon the good days will out weigh the bad ones.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 1:07 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/6/2013 01:06 AM

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry! (((HUGS))))

Yes, this is your hope for your marriage & the future you thought you were going to have dying. This is the thanks you got for all you did. This is what you get.

Take plenty of time to grieve your marriage. Grieve your hope. Grieve your innocence. Grieve your dreams.

I invite you to join the rest of us, though, and be like a phoenix & rise above the ashes to be a new creature. Join us as we try to craft a new & different future for ourselves. We can and will soar again. When you're ready to fly, you will.

dmari posted 8/6/2013 01:52 AM

I know you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I want to reassure you, IT IS THERE. You are working so hard on yourself, feeling and processing the tough emotions, asking the difficult questions, gaining insight, being vulnerable, etc. Many of us weren't where you are until much much later. Continue to do what you are doing. Sometimes, well ... most times, all this craziness doesn't make sense but it will very soon. Your perspective will evolve. Your self-worth will come back even stronger. Soon you will reflect on your posts and smile to yourself and say "Damn I've come a long way!!"

As I am responding to your post right now, I am thinking to myself that your post could have been mine months ago. Now I can smile and say "Damn I've come a long way" and it is such a privilege to see you heal, recover, rebuild and move forward!!

Hugs and hugs and hugs!!! Take care!

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/6/2013 06:06 AM

supporting him through his OCD and mental health issues

PhanthomLimb,

Your xH sounds very emotionally / psychologically unhealthy, maybe more than you ever realized. . He sounds selfish and cruel. You are suffering, as a result.

I understand the need to try and understand how things could have changed so much, so quickly. The reality may be that the change was neither. For example, the kisses on the face (when he used to wake you up this way) were maybe not kisses he was giving to you, but rather something that he was giving to himself. You naturally thought they were for you, but they were maybe a selfish act, in some way that I don't understand.

Like so many people here on SI, myself included, there is just a major, jaw dropping "WHaaaaaaaat the F.................k" involved with believing what has happened. After the believing is there, then there is the attempt to understand. As you continue to try and understand, I encourage you to try hard to get to a few least common denominators. That helped me. For example, "He was much more selfish than I ever realized. There was much about him, as a person, that I misread. I projected onto him more than I realized."

Acceptance will follow. You are doing very well, as you walk one step at a time out of hell. Borrowing from a famous quote (Winston Churchill?),

........keep walking.

ladies_first posted 8/6/2013 07:50 AM

calling me three weeks later hostile, angry and aggressive (which I had never seen in 10+ years), saying he wants to me "free and liberated" from me and our life together.

See, you did have your break-up moment -- he told you he wanted to be "free and liberated" -- you just didn't process it because you were in SHOCK.

Taking himself off the phone plan. Moving and not sending me any info on where he is. Ignoring scheduled check-ins post my request for 2 mos of NC.

He's gone. He's moved out and moving on. (Sounds like he's been detaching since February.)Don't expect any check-in's, you will only be disappointed.

I think I *might* be coming out of my fog. Just a little.

This will be easier if you look to yourself for healing, not him.

((PhantomLimb))

PhantomLimb posted 8/6/2013 08:13 AM

ladies_first

Ultimately, I agree with you, although I've simplified it somewhat here.

He was still on the fence to a degree in that last convo and I can't tell if he was genuinely conflicted, cake eating or what. It left me in enough limbo that I thought I would have heard from him after the NC term.

-- He told me that he had a feeling that he was "free and liberated" from the whole situation without me there and so he felt that he needed to heed that and not R "right now." He admitted it made him nervous because if we didn't R immediately he didn't know when we could and his intention wasn't to go off and be with OW ("I'm not replacing you with her" was repeated a million times).

He was unwilling to leave his job, which is principally run from May-August, because it would hurt him in the long term and he would have to declare bankruptcy. He was afraid if we tried to R during that rush and it didn't go well *everything* would unravel.

Until that last convo, he was talking about leaving the job after August. But he began to walk that back saying that he liked it there and was doing well and didn't want to have to leave. Given how much trouble he's had all year with coworkers, that was a little bit delusional at the time.

-- He said that his decision not to R was largely influenced by his IC who knew he took the A underground one more time. She told him his actions suggested he wasn't as conflicted as he claimed. He crossed my "one red line" as she put it. That was a dealbreaker.

-- Because he had taken the A underground and hid it, he said that he didn't want to expose me to his crap any further than he already had. He said he was going to stick with IC and that he knew he needed to fix himself first before bringing me back in. "I can't let you save me" was also repeated several times.

-- He acknowledged that his desire to maintain contact with OW was most likely because she was easier to talk to and telling him what he wanted to hear. He described any further relationship with her as "punishing" himself. He was clear that he was thrown enough by DDay and the aftermath that he didn't have the bandwidth to deal with my needs.

-- He told me that he did want to R, "hold you and tell you I'm sorry" but that he thought it was "too soon" to face me. He said he feared that he would either overly attach or feel repelled. He wanted to get more clarity before locking himself into either camp.

-- In the days after DDay he called asking if I was still willing to R and *I* was on the fence about it. We were having a vows ceremony in September (we had eloped) and he called to see if he should tell his family not to book the flights. I think it was his way of handing me a "test." I told him they shouldn't. He took that pretty hard at the time.

I can tell as I type this that some of this stuff sounds like crap. But, like you say, I was in shock and it seemed plausible and, dare I say it, loving, not to drag me through the mud any further.

And I was the one to break up with him first. I don't deny, though, that he basically left me no other choice. He had NCed the OW and was going to take a leave from work and take the next plane out, but I stopped him and broke up with him for not being there for me and being the partner I needed. I didn't think he was working hard enough. I felt like I was calling the shots and I wanted to test him to make sure he was willing to do *whatever* it took to R with me. After I broke it off with him, he cancelled his flight, stayed out there, a little over a week later he had slept with the OW again and the rest is history.

That's why I've asked elsewhere how hard the WS is supposed to "work" for it.

I have no doubt-- and my IC agrees-- that had he come out here to see me when he was about to, we'd probably still be together.

I honestly did think that our NC was just a S for us to both get IC and then regroup and reassess. So, in a sense, his not checking in, changing his phone, etc in the last couple of weeks is sort of like another DDay.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:23 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

residencywife93 posted 8/6/2013 08:41 AM

I just want to offer support.... my H is doing the same thing. Recently found out that he came into town (me and OW live in the same city now... woof) and lied to me about it. I haven't talked to him since. NC really is the way to go.

I feel duped too. I feel like my entire marriage was based on a lot of sick lies... but he is showing you who he is. The pretty words don't mean anything until there is action to back them up.

I'm sorry you are going through this :( It really sucks.

Heavy Sigh posted 8/6/2013 09:23 AM

Phantom, don't blame yourself for breaking up with him and assuming he would be back and his old self if you had not.

What you will learn is that men are determined creatures and will call, send flowers, message, email a woman when they really want her. Yours didn't do that.

Yours gave up fairly easily, and seemed reluctantly to agree to reconcile, which you noticed and it's why you broke up with him.

My guess from what you've written is that you had inspired him to be a better man in life and to get it together. But he probably feels no self-pressure to live up to that with the OW. He probably is the admired one of the two and she may be the one who's the mess in need of 'fixing.'

Don't think that if you had been more needy or wanted less for him he would still be there. If he met her first he would have probably left her for you, telling OW she didn't have it together.

It's nearly always about issues in a wayward. SAHM's are abandoned by their WS for career women for "being dependent financially and emotionally, and not growing as a person." Working women are left for women who don't want careers, accused by their waywards of "not being nurturing and not spending enough time with family and cooking dinner at night."

Your boyfriend was going to leave whatever woman he was with at the 7-10-year relationship mark, no doubt, and you had no way of knowing that until he left.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:26 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

movingforward13 posted 8/6/2013 15:59 PM

*hugs*
The first few months are always the hardest. However, you just released new information here because I had previously understood that you were only engaged.

If you are indeed married because you had eloped, you need to get divorced. That should be the final nail on this coffin and may help you finally put this behind you.
Since you both have already separated just about everything, it may just be a matter of paperwork. You won't have to break NC if you get a lawyer but filing for divorce can help grasp the reality of it and help you heal by finally calling it done.

PhantomLimb posted 8/6/2013 21:35 PM

I preface this with the warning that I have no idea about money stuff at all. As far as I know, we always kept everything separate except for insurance policies and a college fund for his niece. He and my father did the taxes, so I don't know what went on there. I know we never even signed the same lease. We'd usually have my father sign it and pay him what we could. We were so poor in grad school and we needed my family's help so often, it cut out the middle man, so to speak. We didn't even have the same health insurance.

The ceremony in September was for family and very close friends only. We always said we wanted to do something formal as a celebration of our commitment and, with our big move across the country, now seemed like the right time. And we finally had the money with his job.

We were also going to have to finally merge our accounts, etc. The job in his office didn't come with benefits and I was going to be making SIGNIFICANTLY less than him, so I was going to go on his insurance, etc etc. He sold his car and we were going to use mine, so I asked him to start chipping in for the insurance, etc. Every time we discussed how to begin to pull things together, he would panic.

COW was going through a D for "fiscal" reasons and they started commiserating on financial matters. That was the initial bond. As my father kept calling WS to talk to him about taking on responsibility for more and more, I think he freaked out more and more. I remember calling him at one point to transfer to bill for water delivery to our apartment and he started ranting that he would just drink out of the sink and, if I wanted to keep the bubbler, then *I* had to keep paying for it because I'd be the only one using it. We're talking something like $13 a month here. I was in my father's office when I made the call and I remember hanging up and my dad and I just looking at each other like WTF?

DDay happened because WS brought up the idea of a postnup. He was making six figures now, which we never expected, and he wanted to protect himself because, as he put it, I had a "safety net" and he didn't. I thought that was ludicrous (I never asked him for a prenup and I had the most to lose) and his reasons were just so bad, he got cornered into admitting what he did.

In retrospect, until this, he had really skated on being in a "real" marriage. In many ways I think of myself just like the fiancé he left. As soon as it got real and *he* was going to have to be responsible for the lion's share of our expenses and not my family, he freaked out.

My family has a L and everything is drawn up. The sticking point is a series of loans my father gave him this year. Technically we can't force him to pay it back. There is some strategy afoot to send him some threatening letters or something-- but I haven't been able to deal with it yet. My preference is to just walk away and lose the money and not fight it. I'm not even trying to fight for all of the things he didn't ship from our place. Frankly, to get into who has what, etc etc is just too overwhelming given that we're on opposite sides of the country. So I lose the new furniture, the china, my bike and little things like pictures, candlesticks, stuff for the dog. He loses all of the electronics and I have all of the stuff from our first house that I hadn't sold yet (two storage units worth)! It's just stuff.

I just don't want anything from him, any connection to him.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:40 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

myperfectlife posted 8/6/2013 22:28 PM

And I was the one to break up with him first. I don't deny, though, that he basically left me no other choice. He had NCed the OW and was going to take a leave from work and take the next plane out, but I stopped him and broke up with him for not being there for me and being the partner I needed. I didn't think he was working hard enough. I felt like I was calling the shots and I wanted to test him to make sure he was willing to do *whatever* it took to R with me. After I broke it off with him, he cancelled his flight, stayed out there, a little over a week later he had slept with the OW again and the rest is history.

^^^This happened to me too. UGH!!

First of all, I absolutely loved your first post. You nailed everything. You said it all. Thank you for expressing it so well.
The one thing that struck me was your word "coward".
It was the same word I used today in IC to describe my STBX.
Just simply, a coward.

Hang in there. Please. If you can, I can, and others can...and we will all get through this together.
((((hugs)))))