I just want to start off by saying you guys at SI have been amazing over the last few weeks giving it to me straight and keeping me sane.
I think I *might* be coming out of my fog. Just a little.
I'm having a rough night. I just need to vent.
So, to review, I have gone from days away from moving out to a part of the country I love to live with the love of my life for the rest of my life in a great job (after a year of hard work in another state, earning the credentials to get a job in WS's office)... to finding out he snapped his cap back in February, started an A with a COW, intended for me to still come out there so he could resume his life with me as before but, when cornered into DDay, went from willing to do whatever it took to R to calling me three weeks later hostile, angry and aggressive (which I had never seen in 10+ years), saying he wants to me "free and liberated" from me and our life together. And I haven't heard from him since.
So this is my life now. Out of nowhere this man who I loved for years, with whom I shared everything (career, interests, goals) has decided to trade it all in for a COW he's known for less than a year. Whom he couldn't even manage to really say one good thing about. Or maybe he just wants to be single. Who knows because he doesn't talk to me. He has abandoned our friends and family. He left me jobless, crushed and alone and never even looked back. Instead he went insane on FB posting status updates about his fabulous life every 10 secs until I finally unfriended him.
So the strong, ethical, sweet, caring, kind man that I knew is actually someone capable of lying to me, making a fool out of me, tossing me aside, risking my health and my career, daring to come see me one more time before DDay to pretend to live his "real life" for one more week before dropping the bomb on me that he was already gone. And, to throw salt in the wound, after I am devastated beyond words, living a nightmare, suffering from PTSD... he has the nerve to text friends that *I* was the problem. He takes the A underground. I asked him to just text me before bed so I could get some sleep... and he can't even do that. So much for making me feel safe.
I wasn't just dumped. I was viciously, cruelly, violently dumped. Some of the things he said to me I know I'll never get over.
And now he's just running. Taking himself off the phone plan. Moving and not sending me any info on where he is. Ignoring scheduled check-ins post my request for 2 mos of NC.
This is really pathetic, but my alarm clock has gone from his kisses all over my face to, usually, the dog having peed in the bed because I'm such an effing wreck that she has lost all housetraining and the vet thinks *she* needs prozac!
I've done everything humanly possible to take care of myself. 180/NC/IC, friends, hobbies, new me, blah blah blah. I think I'm even getting there on accepting he isn't the man I thought he was. I think I'm even getting to a place of acceptance. Generally, I only cry these days when I think about the hurtful things he said (usually when I'm stuck in traffic and my mind wanders).
So my life now is I'm left all alone to deal with this.
This is the thanks I get for being faithful all of these years even though, by all accounts, I was out of his league.
This is what I get for loving him unconditionally-- now I can't even get a decent apology and any measure of respect.
This is what I get for curbing my career for his-- now I have to totally start over in an insanely stressful job that pays peanuts in order to reestablish myself.
This is what I get for accepting his wish to not have children thinking that, instead, I would focus on our relationship.
This is what I get for bringing him into my stable circle of friends/family when his was so crazy-- I get accused at the end of "isolating" him.
This is what I get for supporting him through his OCD and mental health issues-- I get abandoned at the end and have to face his verbal, emotional and, arguably, physical violence.
What a way to find out life is unfair and unpredictable. I know people keep telling me that it's for the best, there's a plan, I'll be better off.... but if THIS could even be possible in a million years... why should I expect anything to get better?
I'm pretty sure this rant is my hope dying. Even if this a-hole tried to talk to me again, lord knows it would be so fake and contrived I would hit the roof... and then vomit.
So his crazy "poofing" NC is a blessing. I'm so disgusted by what he's done that I don't know where I would start even if he *did* want to talk. He's so incapable of helping himself, how could he even begin to help me?
I have the feeling that I'm going to be living with his ghost for a long time. I'll keep moving forward, but it's hard not to remember how good we had it. I wish I knew how lucky I was back then. I would have kissed him a million times more and tried not to take him for granted. I miss that innocence I had.
And I hate who he has become in my eyes. It seems to me that, even if he fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, or is just a coward or all of the above: I deserved more than this.