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Newest Member: PacificBlue (46043)

User Topic: What's Wrong with Me?
Amberdawn
♀ 39157
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and a WS. My WH had a PA several years ago. More recently, he had an inappropriate texting relationship. It has stopped and we are going to counseling. Unfortunately, I have now started a very inappropriate relationship with a single guy. I really don't think there are any feelings, at least on his part. We just always talk about sex with eachother. Very detailed. I know it's wrong but I can't seem to stop. I know this sounds so stupid, but I really want this guy to like me, for more than just a friend with benefits. The twisted part is that I love my husband and don't want to be with this other guy long term. I just want him to want to be with me. I know it's stupid, wrong, shallow, etc. I just don't know how to stop wanting it.

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are being used and set up by single guy (with your blessing and assistance).

Do you love your husband? Then start behaving like you do.

How to stop wanting it? Start respecting yourself.

There is a tremendous amount of support and experience and resources here on SI, and tons more outside SI. Do you plan on using them to become the person who YOU want to be?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amberdawn...

From the sound of things, you don't plan on ending this anytime soon.

Along with the fact that you've already had two other affairs that you haven't (that I'm aware of) confessed to your H.

You need to end this if you plan on continuing to post on SI.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199210 | Registered: May 2002
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are struggling with something that my WH struggled with - the constant need for validation from other women. After his affair, and he realized there was nothing more to lose, he began to tell me the truth about himself. It was the most freeing thing he had ever done, and it was the first time he ever allowed himself to trust my love for him. He hadn't even realized what a compulsive liar he had become, or how out of control his behavior was.

If I have any advice to you, it is to tell your husband the truth. It will set you free. You can't really love or respect yourself, or you wouldn't feel the need to hide who you are from the one who loves you. You probably can't even receive his love, because you don't feel like he even knows who you are. When you can love and respect yourself enough to be truthful with the people in your life, you won't need all that false validation from other men, IMHO.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amberdawn,

I am here on this site as a BS, but I also have experience as a wayward. I am afraid that your current situation is going to spiral out of control... quickly. It may start as just talk, but after a while, that's just not good enough anymore. Then it escalates, and before you know it, you are paying for some guy's plane ticket, and a hotel room for the weekend, telling your SO you're spending the weekend studying with friends. Well, that was me - for you it would be even easier, since you see this guy on a regular basis, and you don't need a hotel room for the weekend... just a few hours.

My advice: STOP. Stop now. Initiate your own NC. Tell him it's over and you can't even so much as talk to him any more. And get counseling. ASAP.

Don't lose everything like I did. Quit a 10-year relationship with the greatest guy... moved 1800 miles away... met & married another great guy... got cheated on. The grass is never greener.

Good luck.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing's wrong with you. You don't see anything problematic with your actions, honestly. You're hyperfocused on your husband's. In other words...Tuesday. Welcome to the insulated hypocritical world of the entitled.

From your posts you sound like you'd drown in a mud puddle. Some folks live their lives with very little depth only registering when someone hurts them.

That's ok. Pretty safe and much more comfortable than any digging or self discovery. That shit is more than just a bit painful.

You've posted how your husband killed the love. Get a divorce. You're single anyway. Might as well make it official. The quality of potential "friends" will go up, at least. People that will fuck around with married people are muy no bueno.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Amberdawn
♀ 39157
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I expected support from this site, not to be told what I needed to do or that I had to stop posting on SI. And for the record, I had told the OP that this needed to stop. That doesn't mean the feelings and/or desire stops. Thank you to the others who offered their support in actually dealing with my situation.
We can't all be perfect!

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, that's what I should have told my XH on D-day: "Sorry I ripped your heart out, honey, but give me a break...we can't all be perfect!"


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2373 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that you can't seem to stop, it's that you don't want to stop - big difference. Based on your initial post the only thing wrong with you is that you are incredibly selfish. No different than any other wayward. You say you love your husband - well, prove it. Not to us, but to yourself and to your husband. Does your H know about your A? Is this a revenge affair?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 9

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