Do you love your husband? Then start behaving like you do.
How to stop wanting it? Start respecting yourself.
There is a tremendous amount of support and experience and resources here on SI, and tons more outside SI. Do you plan on using them to become the person who YOU want to be?
From the sound of things, you don't plan on ending this anytime soon.
Along with the fact that you've already had two other affairs that you haven't (that I'm aware of) confessed to your H.
You need to end this if you plan on continuing to post on SI.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
If I have any advice to you, it is to tell your husband the truth. It will set you free. You can't really love or respect yourself, or you wouldn't feel the need to hide who you are from the one who loves you. You probably can't even receive his love, because you don't feel like he even knows who you are. When you can love and respect yourself enough to be truthful with the people in your life, you won't need all that false validation from other men, IMHO.
I am here on this site as a BS, but I also have experience as a wayward. I am afraid that your current situation is going to spiral out of control... quickly. It may start as just talk, but after a while, that's just not good enough anymore. Then it escalates, and before you know it, you are paying for some guy's plane ticket, and a hotel room for the weekend, telling your SO you're spending the weekend studying with friends. Well, that was me - for you it would be even easier, since you see this guy on a regular basis, and you don't need a hotel room for the weekend... just a few hours.
My advice: STOP. Stop now. Initiate your own NC. Tell him it's over and you can't even so much as talk to him any more. And get counseling. ASAP.
Don't lose everything like I did. Quit a 10-year relationship with the greatest guy... moved 1800 miles away... met & married another great guy... got cheated on. The grass is never greener.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
From your posts you sound like you'd drown in a mud puddle. Some folks live their lives with very little depth only registering when someone hurts them.
That's ok. Pretty safe and much more comfortable than any digging or self discovery. That shit is more than just a bit painful.
You've posted how your husband killed the love. Get a divorce. You're single anyway. Might as well make it official. The quality of potential "friends" will go up, at least. People that will fuck around with married people are muy no bueno.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
1-year-old daughter and a child on the way