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What's better for the kids?

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ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 07:27 AM

STBX POS and I were emailing yesterday about my son's glasses, my other son's phone, and the schedule coming up for school, and he starts being rather rude and veering off topic, and all of the sudden I get a text from MOW cursing me out and telling me to leave him alone. I had ignored lots of texts from her lately, but stupid me engaged this time (ducking the 2 x 4's) and told her to mind her own business..

She really thinks she's the wife and kept telling me to "get used" to her being in my life. I reminded her that I'm the wife and mother and she's the mistress and that I will be communicating with STBX about the kids, and she said, "I'm not a mistress," 3 times.

Anyhoo, she kept saying how he's focused on the kids and I'm not (cause I don't want her watching the kids while he's working) and that I'm delusional and I don't know fantasy from reality, etc.. I finally told her that I'm not the one creating a complete fantasy world for the kids where they tell them they are just "friends" yet she's there all the time, takes them places by herself, sleeps there with him in front of the kids, I mean, how much more obvious could they make it??

Since they involved the kids with her and her son in their affair and had them lie to me about it, I've never kept it a secret from the kids. The day I found out they knew her, which was almost a month after D-Day, I forced him to tell the kids that they don't have to keep secrets from me anymore.. The amount of secrets he forces them to keep is just astounding.. He did admit it to them for a while, but back-tracked after we split and started telling them they were just friends, which is the story they continue sticking too..

DS9 knows it. He told me last time they were home how POS had told MOW, "You better play or I'll dump you," and he knows what "dump you" means.. DS6 doesn't really know, care or understand..

I think it's become one of those things to them where mommy says one thing and daddy says another, and they aren't sure who to believe..

MOW said I'm a bad mom and parent for even thinking of telling them, that they were planning on waiting to tell them, that you don't just tell kids things like that.

I prefer the truth, no matter what it is, without the gory details obviously.

I don't think they should be creating this fantasy world for them. Sleeping with each other is not what adult "friends" do.. If they are going to be together all the time, etc., isn't it best if they just tell the kids?

SBB posted 8/6/2013 07:55 AM

2x4 swung with love.

Why the fuck are you making her so fucking important?

She is not.

Who gives a flying fuck what she thinks?

You do. That's what responding tells her.

You don't get a say in what kind of father he is. Unfortunately we all made that choice when we fell pregnant to these parasites.

The XMIL said something to me years ago that stuck in my head "You never know what kind of a father they're going to be until its too late".


Trying to do so is just bashing your head against a brick wall. It will make you crazy. It does no good for you. It does no good for your kids.

Surrender. NC. Surrender. NC. Surrender. NC.

I am not saying its easy. It is hard. So fucking hard. I know it sister. I really do.

Stop petting the Drama Llama.

We can't control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact our lives.

It is shit what he is doing. It is shit what she is doing. They are disgusting, disgraceful human beings.

None of this is news to you.

You cannot change them. You can't shame them into doing the right thing - there is nothing you can do over there.

Focus on your kids. Focus on being the best mum you can be. Focus on you. Focus on the future you deserve.

Live and breathe your values.

My mum said something to me that is also stuck in my head: "My love for them <ie: my girls> outweighs my hatred of him".

The hardest part of all of this is watching our kids get fucked up by these muppets. You'll make it harder on them and on you by engaging in this drama.

The sad clown says confusing shit to the girls all of the time. When DD5 puts something together and asks me why there is a discrepancy I tell her that her dad believes one thing and I believe another. We don't agree but that is OK.

Whatever he does to them, whatever crap he pulls I'll help them navigate through it. I hate it that I have to do it but I'll do it as much as it takes and for as long as it takes.

You will too. You just need to get through the bit where you think you'll knock some sense into either of them this way. Spoiler alert: you have ZERO chance of it.

missmydogs posted 8/6/2013 08:01 AM

Block her. Next hearing ask to implement a program called our family wizard or something similar. You do not have to deal w crazy. No matter how tough it is. Do. Not. Engage. (((Butterfly)))

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 08:35 AM

Ugh. I know you guys are right. I know I need to get to indifference, but yeah, I'm not even close. So much of me just wants to slap that bitch off her high horse..

I don't know why I'm so good at ignoring all his attempts to argue and go off topic and insult me, but for some reason with her I just let it out sometimes..

Maybe it's that I've barely ever talked to her, only seen her twice in my life, and for some reason I still think I can knock some sense into her.. My head knows the ending to this movie, so not sure why I keep watching and participating in it..

I started to look up blocking a number on an iPhone last night, but it said something about needing to jailbreak it first.. I'll have to figure that out.. If I can't stop myself, I should force myself to somehow..

I filed in November, and I recommended OurFamilyWizard in December, but he refused. I guess I'm more frustrated with my former lawyer and my new lawyer and the legal system in general. I should have had a temporary hearing right away to set some rules for child support and visitation, etc., but my former lawyer just took me to mediation in March where we got an 8-week temporary agreement that I completely did not want to agree to given his work schedule, but he promised he would be fixing his schedule. Well surprise, surprise, he lied about that and has been having MOW watch the kids while he works. When I finally got my new lawyer, second mediation was a bust, and we finally set a hearing for temporary orders, which was last week, but we "ran out of time" and there still aren't any orders in place. And I'm told the next available hearings aren't until October. It's taking way too long to get this in front of a judge, and I'm tired of them dicking me around when it comes to the kids and any type of normal schedule. When is all my documenting going to matter??

I guess I feel like no one is really helping me, and I just have to deal with them directly, but obviously that doesn't work either.. I just want out of this mindfuck.. And I want to get the kids out of it without mindfucking them myself..

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 10:15 AM

The sad clown says confusing shit to the girls all of the time. When DD5 puts something together and asks me why there is a discrepancy I tell her that her dad believes one thing and I believe another. We don't agree but that is OK.

That's essentially what I needed to hear.. And how I need to handle all his mind games with the kids..

I guess I'd like to threadjack my own thread and say that I'm feeling really angry. I've been private messaging with another member, and I told him my whole story, which includes childhood trauma, having been raped by my older brother's friend numerous times when I was about 8 years old.. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15 for it, but I'm wondering if I will ever let it go. And I'm just feeling like I'm experiencing another trauma.

I feel like it's all so unfair, and I'm powerless, and I'm so angry, and I don't know how to let it go. I can't fix what happened in my childhood. I can't really DO anything about it anymore. And I'm starting to feel like that now, and I just want to be able to DO something about it. I don't want to sit back and let all this crap happen to me and the kids. Calling CPS wasn't enough. Having lawyers hasn't been enough. It feels like nothing is enough to stop this..

He treats me like crap, cheats on me, forces the kids to lie to me, financially screws me to the high heavens, and then they get to act like total assholes and dick me around all the time and curse me out?? And I can't really DO anything about it??

I guess I'm really empathizing with all the people on here who are told to just let it go, to 180, to go NC. It takes a lot to accept it. For today, I guess I feel like a toddler crying about life not being fair.. Maybe they are right and I am crazy. They were able to compartmentalize their feelings so much, and I just can't seem to do it today..

missmydogs posted 8/6/2013 10:17 AM

I understand. There is a stranger who thinks they are some sort of an expert on you and your life.

Do not request, demand they order OFW. If your service is either Sprint or Verizon, you can block any number. If you have AT&T, you're screwed.

It's not easy all the waiting. My D took almost 3 years. But there will be an end. You'll just have to get through it. Hugs & strength to you.

devistatedmom posted 8/6/2013 10:25 AM

Well, you can switch lawyers again. I know, that's a pain. Or, go into your lawyer, and TELL them, not ask, to get this done. Temp orders should not take months and months. Maybe you need to be more assertive with your L and tell them I NEED this NOW. Don't just say ok to whatever they say. Greasy wheel, and all that...

I don't have a good answer for you, but I wanted you to know you are heard...and see if you can demand what you need from your L

SBB posted 8/6/2013 11:01 AM

say that I'm feeling really angry.

Justifiable anger is the hardest to overcome. Moreso when they who should be helping us are not or can not.

Let yourself feel it. When it hits I rage clean. I rage walk. Rage is an emotion I'm very comfortable with but I'm not comfortable about, IYKWIM? I know its not healthy to spin around in it for a long time.

I find a safe time and place and I let the rage roll over me - get that burst out and let it make me clean.

Vent here. Write your responses to them here. Make up nasty ones and funny ones and ice-cold business like ones.

The OW butting in is just a new button they've started pushing - you'll soon see it no different to all of the fuckery he was pulling before.

Do what you can through legal channels, CPS, ICs - surrender to the rest. There are some thing you can't do anything about.

Its not fair. Its so fucking unfair I could rip my hair out.

Your justice and your vengeance will be indifference.

As I said you cannot control what they do but you CAN DO SOMETHING about how much you let it impact you.

I want you to know you are not alone. Not by a long shot. I STILL go through these phases except I stick to NC. They are further and further apart and the episodes don't last very long. NC did that for me. It will do it for you too. That and releasing the rage. Find something that exhausts you besides the day-to-day exhaustions and do it when you feel these rages coming on.

Trauma on top of trauma is what you have here. I don't know how anyone 'gets over' or overcomes sexual abuse - you find a way to release the hurt and rage about it. You see that something terrible and horrific happened to you but that it DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

Have you tried group therapy - talking to others? These old scars run deep and they are torn open with each new trauma.

I get it. I wish to god I didn't but I do.

Focus on you. Your present. Your future. YOUR healing. You will heal from this.

((BG)) Know this. You are a wonderful human being, woman and mother. You and your children deserve so much more than this. You will heal and you will continue to live your life filled with love, integrity, respect, dignity, empathy and compassion and more joy than you can stand. Nothing anyone has ever done to you or will ever do to you can ever change that.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/6/2013 11:24 AM

MOW said I'm a bad mom and parent for even thinking of telling them, that they were planning on waiting to tell them, that you don't just tell kids things like that.

*She's* giving parenting advice.

I would be more worried about you if you *weren't* angry over this. Right now you are 'in the thick' of this crap. And in a lot of ways, you are completely powerless. There is so much happening right now that you cannot control no matter how much you try or want to.
I can see how that would cause your childhood issues to re-surface. Kind of the same feeling of 'powerlessness', right? However this time, you are an adult. You have a voice. And you're using it to speak your truth and the injustice that you see......'your' truth may fall on 'deaf' ears, but I can't help but think that it is a part of what you need to do to eventually *heal*.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/6/2013 11:32 AM

This is what you need to do:

Tell her that you are feeling harassed and that if she continues to contact you, you will be forced to take legal action. Then, stop texting with her ever, about anything. She sends you a text message, or calls (you know she will)? Don't answer. Don't respond. Save every single text she sends you, specifically the nasty ones or if she texts you past 9pm, keep those too.

Save it up, and then contact your lawyer and tell him that you would like a restraining order and harassment charges against her. Make her look certifiably insane, and then use it against her to get what you want with the kids.

The next time she will see your children is through plate glass.

When my DD's dad and I broke up, this is what I did. I said I was feeling harassed and that I would be forced to take legal action against her if she didn't leave me alone. Of course she flipped out, sent me nasty texts, etc... I saved EVERYTHING. The fact that I didn't respond drove her crazy until she finally threatened to kill me and my daughter. She drove by our house. Guess who called the police in tears, and talked up about how I was afraid for my life, and had death threats from the OW? THIS GIRL. I got a restraining order protecting me and DD from her, and OW got sent to jail and pressed with charges for making threats. BEST. DAY. EVER. Additionally, we have it written into our parenting plan that DD's dad is not to bring her around OW ever, for any reason.

She wants to play ball? Play.

Housefulloflove posted 8/6/2013 11:36 AM

She's a delusional POS just like your ex.

They are parading their disgusting lives in front of the kids and think it's best to lie about it? In case the horribly selfish decisions they have made don't screw with the kid's heads enough, they decided it's best to lie to them for the hell of it?

That makes perfect sense when you are a broken POS who has detached from reality.

Of course it's better to tell the kids the truth. Just like it's better to not make selfish decisions and turn their world upside down to do what you want at the family's expense. His decisions are based on creating his fantasy world and delaying the inevitable crash and burn of that fantasy.

Keep doing what you know is right. Out of the three adults in this situation, only you have the kid's interest at heart. Those selfish POS can say and do whatever they want but don't base any of your decisions on what those assholes think.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 11:37 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Housefulloflove posted 8/6/2013 11:39 AM

Beyond Breaking that is awesome!

homewrecked2011 posted 8/6/2013 12:20 PM

Butterfly girl,, I am glad you posted. I go thru the same thing, and so do many other people here.

They are trying to deflect anyone from looking at what they are doing.

I try to stay in the day.

I NEVER let her talk to me. Only people who love me/support me get the honor of talking to me.

Please get you children in Counseling.

BTW<<, is she married to someone else? do they know what is going on?

LadyQ posted 8/6/2013 12:55 PM

I hear ya. The kids' father is currently "in lurve" with one of his AP's. He texted not long ago to let me know that he was seeing someone. He told me his crazy ho didn't want me to be blindsided. Funny she didn't mind that when I was married to "her man". Anyway, I texted back (mistake number one), and the crazy ho grabbed his phone and commenced to blast me for being immature and not putting my children first, and "they" were going to be together and "they" are going to be happy. Why can't I be civil. I typed about 6 responses that I deleted and never sent. I realized that she is so beneath me it's not even funny. I said "good luck". And I mean it; they will so need it! I later texted x and told him that he had better never give her the phone again when I'm texting about my children. I WILL NOT discuss my children with her. EVER. I don't give a shit if they marry. I still will only discuss my children with him. He apologized. Shocker!

It sucks. But it is what it is. I'm perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist. I can't stop him and her from "being happy" and quite honestly, I don't want to. She is welcome to his crazy, broken ass. But know this, she better never fuck with my kids

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 12:59 PM

From Abbondad's thread, by FaithFool:

AD, at this point in the game, the roller coaster ride is more like bumper cars....

*nc*nc*nc*nc* CONTACT ****BAM****

*nc*nc*nc*nc* CONTACT ****BAM****

*nc*nc*nc*nc* CONTACT ****BAM****

*nc*nc*nc*nc* CONTACT ****BAM****

*nc*nc*nc*nc* CONTACT ****BAM****

You'll figure it out eventually, but your neck will hurt a little.

Yeah, my neck hurts. I don't know why I needed another ***BAM***, but I'm gonna remember this..

Thanks for all the support. Been really needing it today. I work from home, and I'm supposed to be typing right now, but I've been getting up and using my sons' punching bag and cleaning up some stuff. You're right SBB, I just need to funnel this rage into something else..

And yes, Gonna, as always you made me smile and gave me great advice. Yes, I'm feeling powerless again, and that's probably why it's all resurfacing. But yeah, I'm an adult now, and I'm not gonna keep it a secret and hide and be scared. I just gotta get up and keep on keepin' on..

That is truly awesome BeyondBreaking, and just what I need to do. She wants to play ball? Okay. I'm gonna play. By, uhhh, taking my ball and going home and not playing with her.. I've already got a great text messaging program that saves all my texts in Excel, so I will be saving all these, though I do come off pretty bitchy.. In reality world, she's fucking with my kids, and mama bear's claws wanna come out. But I'll hurt her more if I can just shut my damn mouth and let her hang herself..

HFOL, thanks for the support. I really do feel like I'm the only one with the kids best interest in mind. I try to step back and make sure it's not just me being bitter or vengeful, like I'm sure it seems to them when I want the kids to know the truth. Parents are supposed to set an example for their kids, and they are the exact opposite of that.. And I'm never gonna lie to my kids. And yeah, I think they are trying to prolong their fantasy land as much as possible.. I did say to her, "Well since you want to co-parent with me so much, let me know how the kids react when you tell them you've been lying to them all this time." I'm sure they don't want to face that. Unicorn fart land is just too much fun I guess..

Please get you children in Counseling.

All 3 of us have been going since the early part of this year. They enjoy it.. POS has said a few times that I'm hurting them by taking them, but he hasn't officially told me I can't.. I should be asking him for the co-pays, but I'm not for fear of him telling me I can't take them..

BTW<<, is she married to someone else? do they know what is going on?

Honestly, I really don't know. I know the BH is not the father of the kid she has.. I don't think the kid's father is in the picture.. I know POS initially told me they were only together a few months, then longer, then during a TT session about 3 weeks in, he admitted that it was over a year and a half, but that I better not ever say anything because the BH was abusive and shouldn't know that she had actually cheated on him..

In know in January 2011 (which I remember since I posted it on Facebook cause I was scared) that a guy came to the door just before midnight knocking and staring through the window-like pane on the front door. I was on the couch in the living room, and I knew he could see me, but I froze until he finally stopped knocking and went away. I thought it was very weird at the time, and now I'm pretty sure it was him, and God do I wish I had went up to the door..

In November 2011, both of our cars were totaled by someone pouring a sugar-like substance in our gas tanks. Had no idea who it could be at the time, but of course now I think it was the BH..

Through seeing old text messages, MOW would complain that someone was cutting her brake lines and messing with her car.. She's bad news I tell you..

He went back and forth after D-day on what their status was, they were together, they were separated, they are divorcing, now they are divorced, yada, yada. I really don't know and have never been able to find him or talk to him, though I'm pretty sure he is out of the picture now.. I don't know if he would talk to me given I think he totaled our cars, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to admit to that..

I'm 100% positive she was married during the affair, so I just call her MOW.. Perhaps she should be fMOW? I don't know, but I don't think there's a BH to really talk to..

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 13:04 PM

LadyQ, yeah, that was exactly how it went down. "They" are together now, and "they" love each other, and "I" better get used to it. I told her "Good luck" too, and I meant it as well. They sure are gonna need it..

I can't stop him and her from "being happy" and quite honestly, I don't want to. She is welcome to his crazy, broken ass. But know this, she better never fuck with my kids

All of this ^^ But she did fuck with my kids, and I need an appropriate reaction now.. Calling CPS wasn't enough..

courageous posted 8/6/2013 13:24 PM

Just a FYI you can block a phone number with AT&T. You use the parental control. It cost $5 per number.

I'm sorry you are having a rought time. It sounds like they also get off on getting a reaction out of you.. Like they need you as a common enemy to boost their relationship.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 13:43 PM

It sounds like they also get off on getting a reaction out of you.. Like they need you as a common enemy to boost their relationship.

Yeah, I was just thinking, this relationship is never gonna survive the light of day. It's the perfect relationship for a dark alley (or an empty moving truck after work, barf).

And of course now I want to say that to them, but that's exactly what motivates them to try harder to prove themselves.. Me thinks it's better to not ever comment on their relationship..

I knew all this. Wish I had remembered it yesterday..

LadyQ posted 8/6/2013 14:08 PM

BG, the most important thing right now, today is to learn from this. Learn something about who you are, why you react the way you do, and how to stop it from happening again. By beating yourself up, you're feeding "them" ego kibbles. Don't do it! You are so much better than them. Buck up, trooper! You got this

peacelovetea posted 8/6/2013 14:29 PM

Ok, with the powerlessness -- sort out what you CAN control, and let go of what you cannot. You CAN control your response to her. You CAN control your legal representation. You CAN control what happens when your kids are with you. So focus on that. In each individual situation, each moment of the day, take the power you have and use it to meet your higher goals. Let go of what you cannot control, but make sure that you are using the power you do have most effectively. {{hugs}}

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